Marriage in crisis

[monaghanmum]

Has anyone else, had a longish marriage before having kids only to discover that the husband just can't hack it?
My marriage is sinking fast and just don't know what to do?

didn't want to leave this unanswered, I am sure you are not alone and others will post.

How old are your children?

Yes, well 8 years pre dc's anyway. We're now getting divorced. I can't imagine that he would ever have been happy to be a regular father, the time share option suits XH so well. He just couldn't bear the mundanity of having toddlers around, so short sighted really.

Sorry you are in this position, I know how it feels and it's horrid. Have you been able to confide in anyone in RL?

mine is slightly different.
been with my ex since we were 18, first dc at 26, another followed soon after.
he stayed with me until both over 18 and then left for OW.
he claims he wouldn't have left me if the dc's had stayed around rather than leaving to go to uni!!!!
how selfish, of them!!!!!!! Sorry him.

Jesus partytime, that's awful ! What a git.

mal - how true.
this was just one of his reasons.
his main one was that he couldn't see himself spending the next 20 or so years with the same woman!!!
he cannot explain why he came to that conclusion or when, i think he might feel that he has missed out on some part of his life/youth by being with me since a young age, eventhough we have had a great life together.
i feel sex is a big part of it for him, as i was his first, and until OW, his only partner.
maybe it's a midlife crisis thing - he started affair at 40!

I think sometimes the longer you leave it to have kids the more comfortable and dare I say it 'selfish' you become and its easier for the men usually to walk awya and say they can't hack it.
But with the best will in the world having children can cause the best of marriages to crumble....add to that any speacial needs and complications and its incredibly difficult to remember the reasons you got together beyond the stress

twinker, I completely disagree with your first sentence

I could just as easily argue that if you settle down and have children too soon, then once you hit 40 you will start to hanker for the youth you "missed out on"

DH and I waited to have kids for quite a long time (then infertility made us wait even longer...)

we appreciate our adventurous, child-free time before they came along and have no interest in going back there !

yes and thats the ideal way to do it, live youre life and enjoy eachother before having children and for many that exactly what happens! BUT there is also some truth in the fact that for 'some' having that long period of no real responsibilities and being free to do what you want and go where you want makes it all the more difficult when suddenly a little person comes along

bump

well I think there is a LOT of truth when people say that having kids just shows up the problems that were there before. You could say having a kid split me and my ex up but then again you could say I should have dumped him sooner, or you could say we split up because alcoholics and babies are a bad mix.

On the other hand they have always had a strong bond and missing her was always a big issue for him and I know he has been miserable about it. So I find it hard to credit that some blokes actually resent having to be around their own little ones. It seems strange but I know there are some people like that. Maybe yours is one?

I still think how old your children are is relevant. Babies, teenagers?

I think a lot of people, although loving their children, find the pre-talking phase really difficult - the baby really does seem like an alien sometimes. Then a lot of people, with a big overlap, also hate the toddler phase, maybe because the toddler now CAN talk but apparently wilfully doesn't communicate like an adult would (not saying this is my opinion).

Frankly I think hating your partner for chunky stretches of time is quite common in the preschool years, because so much of your tolerance reserves are used up just remaining patient and good-parenty with the children - you reach a point where you simply cannot make allowances for any more people, and your partner takes the brunt of that. Alternatively, you still love your partner but then can't or won't spare any resources for the children, and they seem intolerable for large chunks of time.

Of course it doens't have to be like that, but having been on here for a few years, I know it's not just me and dh who struggled with the pre-talking years. Things turned a dramatically huge corner for dh when ds was 2 and again when he was 4 and able to entertain himself a bit - all of a sudden they were good buddies.

Anyway, I don't quite know why I'm posting this - I suppose I hope that this is a factor of the children's ages and IMO this increases the chance you will find a way back to each other?