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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's threats.

24 replies

marantha · 07/04/2010 13:49

My husband and myself have just had a blazing row; thanks to the good advice I've received here, I have now been able to call his bluff when the usual threats about "chucking you out" come along, however, he has now threatened to tell the professional body/future employers that I hope to join when my studies are finished that I am not "fit" to be a (name of profession I wish to join is indicated by asteriks).
I don't know what to do, really. Things are terrible between us and I hope to leave him shortly. Any advice? If the b does this, how can I save the situation with the body/employers?

OP posts:
Iklboo · 07/04/2010 13:54

Er..like thay'd take any notice of hysterical rantings from an unhinged, jealous husband?
He is a weirdo!

Karmann · 07/04/2010 13:54

He's swapped one threat for another and I'm guessing that's just what they are - threats.

If he were to carry out this latest threat, I would imagine that the future employers would just think of him as a nutter. Your CV and qualifications will say more about you than a nasty phone call.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 07/04/2010 13:55

So call his bluff on that too. I don't think that he will but tbh he will appear to be a deranged ex-H acting maliciously and no notice will be taken.

It's his last flailing attempt at controlling you, and it will fail

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 13:56

he cannot do that either, marantha

any idiotic stuff he tells them would be ignored in the abscence of any actual proof, and he would be written off as a psycho trouble-causer

why are you still with him, btw ?

thumbchick · 07/04/2010 13:58

and why would they take any notice of him at all? Unless he is also in a similar profession and at a higher level, I can't imagine they'd even listen to him...

...but the fact that you are worried about it shows how your confidence is undermined by him. Stop letting him score points off you like this - and as BALD says, if he says it again, just say "Go on then"!

Original poster
marantha · 07/04/2010 13:58

Thanks, Iklboo, I suppose I could make it clear that he had good reason to diss me and I know that I could just tell them the truth.
Like you say, perhaps they wouldn't take him seriously.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 07/04/2010 13:58

He used a threat which had previously worked on you and you called his bluff - so he had to look for something else to threaten you with. Unless you have done something which does make you unfit to be a member of this profession I suggest that you call his bluff again - tell him to go right ahead as he will be the one looking stupid at the end of it when they realise he was just being spiteful.

I would imagine that if he did report you he would need to have some evidence to back up his claim over and above "she's my wife and I hate her"

but for god's sake get out of there soon!

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 07/04/2010 13:59

I would assume it's highly unlikely that any professional body or potential employer would take seriously such an accusation from a random member of the public. You will have references from your tutors to show that you are fit to do the job, plus you will have your qualification, and those will surely outweigh his nasty comments.

It might be worth talking to your tutors about this, and perhaps contacting the professional organisation yourself, to tell them of the problem you are having and the threats that have been made - forewarned is forearmed. If you know his threats have no 'teeth', you can just ignore them.

I hope this situation improves for you - and am sending you a hug and some positive vibes.

thumbchick · 07/04/2010 13:59

uh, he does NOT have a "good" reason to diss you other than that he is a petty, small minded bully.
That is not a good reason.

Original poster
marantha · 07/04/2010 14:01

Anyfucker He is not making me leave. I am not going to let HIM dictate when I go. I'll go when I'm ready and not when HE says so.
(Apologies, no aggression meant to be towards anyone here).

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 07/04/2010 14:02

Take no notice of his rantings.

You're leaving him anyway, so what if he threatens to tell no you?

thesteelfairy2 · 07/04/2010 14:03

marantha. You don't have dc do you? For goodness sake get OUT of there, just pack a bag and go. Do you have friends or family to stay with? I am in the process of divorcing a horrible man and the only thing that kept me with him so long was not wanting to disrupt dc. If I had not had dc with him you would not have seen my ar*e for dust!

overmydeadbody · 07/04/2010 14:03

Oh course they won't take him seriously.

Whay are you still there though? The sooner you leave him the better.

Iklboo · 07/04/2010 14:03

He sounds like an absolute child - 'I'm going to tell on you'

Hand him a piece of paper with OFYTAD written on him but don't tell him what it stands for (Off You F*ck, There's A Dear)

Get out and get rid, soon. Sending positive thoughts & vibes for you!

overmydeadbody · 07/04/2010 14:04

Please don't tell me you don't have kids but are still not shot of him?

Just leave.

Original poster
marantha · 07/04/2010 14:04

You are all right, I suspected as much that they'd ignore his maliciousness, just needed it confirming, thanks.

OP posts:
Katisha · 07/04/2010 14:07

I once was in a situation where someone (not DH) was threatening to call my workplace and make allegations about me. It was all to do with controlling someone else in the family - complicated.

Anyway I went to management and told them that it was possible they might get a funny phone call. They were very supportive, and of course nothing happened.

I would second the call to tell your tutors. Don't stew about it. Don't give him the ammunition.

thesteelfairy2 · 07/04/2010 14:11

I know you can never be 100% in someone elses shoes but I genuinely believe that if I was in this situation with no dc I would be packing my essentials right this minute and getting out of there if only to go to a BnB.

Just think OP, never having to listen to his nonsensical threats again. Bliss.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 14:23

do you have dc, marantha ?

I am sorry, I only have a vague memory of your previous threads

Aussieng · 07/04/2010 14:52

I think my recollection is that there are no dc and Marantha does not feel physically threatened and prefers to stay in the marital home (as she is entitled) while she completes her studies (sorry Marantha if I have got that wrong).

Just to say, I did a secondment with the Institute which regulates my profession and any ranting letter or phone call from an unhinged D would have just been ignored. We would not even have looked up the individual on our register unless it was an allegation related to their profession and the person making the allegation had "standing" (ie a legitimate position of compliant such as being a client of the individual or some such). Nowadays I guess if the allegation related to proceeds of crime they might have to refer that to an appropriate body but on the whole I would really say not to worry.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2010 15:31

Marantha: no one will take any notice of this tosser, particularly if you forewarn them that you are in the process of leaving yoru abusive partner and he might make malicious phone calls.
BUT you really, really need to get out of there. His threats to throw you out didn't work (good for you), his threats to tell your future employers what a bad person you are won't work either...
So this man, who has no respect for you, considers you his property to control and punish, who actively wishes you harm, is ALMOST CERTAINLY going to escalate to physical violence. Please don't let it get that far. If you decide that, OK, you can put up with a slap or two, then it will be a slap or two, and then it will escalate some more, because that is what happens with men who think they own their wives and are entitled to abject submission and obedience - the more the wife stands up for herself, the more bullying and aggressive the man's behaviour becomes.

BaggyAgy · 07/04/2010 16:02

Marantha.

Your husband should realise that slander or libel when it affects your career or earning potential can be very very expensive in damages unless he is telling the absolute truth. Besides, if he compromises your earning potential he will have to pay more to you by way of maintenance than if you were earning well yourself. Do tell your solicitor as no Judge will like threats against a wife, even if he is telling the absolute truth. It shows what a toxic person he is and that he is hell bent on harming you. Get the threat in writing, or at least write to your husband yourself expressing concern that he has threatened to compromise your future ability to finance yourself and children. You may have to ask for an undertaking from him that he will not carry out his threat or get an injunction order. A strongly worded letter from your solicitor will probably suffice. This threat is a very foolish thing for him to have made. Good luck.

LeQueen · 07/04/2010 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 17:39

someone I used to work with had an ex-P
who tried to spread rumours about drug use and having sex with young girls

nobody took a blind bit of notice, tbh

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