I need to talk to him but I'm scared he won't listen

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How do I start the conversation that says "I can't keep on living with you when you don't respect what I say"? I know that as soon as I start it he is going to get angry and disagree with everything I am saying. I know that he will persuade me that he is trying really hard to support me and our children and that there really are no alternatives to our situation. But there has to be as I can't carry on like we are.

I have to work full time because he will only work part time (we job swapped when he was in a really bad work situation 8 years ago and he hasn't wanted to go back to full time work since). I'm pulled in so many directions with a busy job and taking all financial responsibility and then managing the relationships in the house between him and our two children because he is insensitive, undiplomatic and always puts himself first. He doesn't do any housework, rarely thinks about what to cook for dinner, will never do any jobs around the house or in the garden that I ask him to do without masses of complaining first and then sometimes just won't do it.

He has the life of riley but will convince me, when I speak to him, that I am the one who is wrong to expect so much of him. I need to talk to him in the next couple of days as our DCs are away with grandparents. I've also been told today that it is very likely that I am suffering from lupus and am waiting to see whether I need a hysterectomy.

At the moment, I really need his support and love and I'm scared to talk to him because I just know that it won't make any difference. How do I make him listen?

Poor you . Could you maybe make it more of "what do you think we can do about...?" I find my DH gets defensive if he thinks I have waht he calls "an agenda", he sees it as a lecture rather than a conversation. I would try to make it more of a "I would really value your ideas/ opinions/ input, as this situation isn't sustainable" kind of convo. Good luck

Thanks Jooly. There's so much that is wrong I'm just not sure that we will ever be able to put it right. I've also got no faith that he will want to change anything.

What a twat. Have you considered calling it a day altogether? What exactly are you getting out of this apart from an extra (very truculent) child to deal with?

"I can't keep on living with you when you don't respect what I say"?

Do you really mean this? Are you prepared to stop living with him if...? Or have you said something similar before and then things have gone on unchanged? In other words, why should he listen to you now? (Looking for some background to the communication issue here). If you're not prepared to follow through, and not live with him any more, then don't say it.

You seem to have taken on a lot because he simply won't. You mention 'having to' work full time, 'managing' the relationships in the home, presumably getting dinner together every day, and also other chores in the house. He has learned that you will do what he refuses to do, and he has up to now not suffered any negative consequences. He lives the life he wants to because you're prepared to pick up the slack.

I would say to him that you need to talk, you've had some medical news, and the two of you need to sit down and discuss things. This dismisses his chance of accusing you of having an agenda. Then when you sit down, tell him what the possible diagnosis is, and about the possibility of the hysterectomy. Ask him directly, without any reference to the past (and his utter failure to be anything other than a waste of space) what he thinks he can offer in terms of practical support for you as you face this. There will be the operation and the recuperation, and there will be the lupus, which may or may not mean you will have to give up full term work and maybe even forget about part-time. He needs to understand this. He really needs to understand the medical facts here, so maybe you could get some reading materials together. Ask him straight up to be prepared to return to work full time, and also to be prepared to do all the things that you now do for your family. (In other words, grow up, but you will get nowhere saying this out loud).

Even if you don't have lupus (fingers crossed here), returning to work full time is what this lump of yours needs. He sounds either depressed or really lazy, really immature, and really hostile and resentful towards you deep down -- the only explanation for the resistance to reasonable expectations of housework, cooking and sharing chores together is passive aggression to the nth degree.

Has he been supportive in the past? My mum lived with lupus for many years, and my dad was a rock. You do need his support and love. Surely he's got a better nature you can appeal to?

Is passive aggressive where someone is manipulative? I've never threatened to leave him before. I just don't want to let myself down again by letting him persuade me that there is nothing he can do to help.

But there must be something he can do- he needs to see it as a problem that he needs to help with.

Jooly - to everyone he is charming and funny which is what I fell for in the first place. But our relationship has been stuck like this for a long time. He will just convince me that it is best that I continue to work full time and he works part time even though I have these symptoms and possibly operation coming up. My DCs both think he is lazy as well.

Have you discussed your diagnosis/ op with him?? As someone who lived with lupus (via my mum) for a loong time, I know that normal family life does change (obviously depending on severity etc) but has he any idea what it could entail? Or is he sticking his head in the sand? I'm not trying to upset you, but he really does need to be prepared to take over the supporting role just in case.

Article about passive aggression here There's a lot of manipulation involved as far as I can see.

If you ask, and he tries to persuade you that there's nothing he will do ('can do' means will do) to help and support you (and don't settle for less than exactly what you need here -- you're not negotiating/playing games and you can't do with anything less than 100% of what you need), be prepared to give him the boot.

Don't go into your talk convinced you can't win. Tell him flat out that he now has the chance to choose how his life will be (either under your roof and carrying his weight or in a grotty bedsit somewhere on his own). Make sure you put the ball squarely in his court. Keep on repeating that he has the choice, that it's up to him to decide what he wants, but less than 100% of what you need is unacceptable.

What about writing everything you want to say and feel in a letter, and sitting with him while he reads it? My first husband similarly didn't listen and always managed to manipulate the conversation round to getting what he wanted -- but writing a letter when I was absolutely desperate really worked.