I need Dadnetters - boys advice/opinion needed

[Popzie]

Please Dadnetters, help me get into the mind of my male friend that I've known for some years, and who went to school with my DH (they are still considered to be good friends). Recently, this friend announced that he's been in love with me for the last 14 years.

What would it take for you to say this to your friends' wife? My DH knows and can't make up his mind if he's angry about his mate declaring love to his wife or not. I'm also a bit confused as to why he said it and what he expected to happen after the declaration. Do you think this was an innocent confession or an underhand move?

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Sorry but I don't think this is a "what would a man do if..." vs "what would a woman do if..." thing.

I think this is a "what would a particular person do if..." thing, and as such it entirely depends on the person involved.

It could be an innocent, heart-felt confession of undying love. Is this man in a relationship? Has he suffered any significant loss or other life-changing incident in the recent past that might've caused him to re-evaluate his life and where he's heading? It could be a mid-life "Sod it, if I don't say this now I never will and, after all, what have I got to lose?" grand romantic gesture. I did something similar(-ish) when I was in my early 20s and while it hurt like fuck when my advances were rejected, and I messed up a fantastic friendship, on the whole I'm still glad I said something rather than live the rest of my life wondering what-if.

Or it could be some manipulative, underhand attempt to sow discord and create drama. Some people are like that. My ex is one of them - never happier than when there's some drama and chaos about to keep life "interesting" and if none is happening naturally then my ex can be relied upon to stir some up.

I'm assuming that you're happy with your DH and don't intend to take him up on his offer. Just because I'm a sentimental old sod and tend to believe the best about people, I'd probably take it as an honest admission and so gently but firmly tell him that you see him as a good friend but nothing more and that you are sure he will one day find someone who would suit him more than you would.

I was talking to Mrs FT about something similar recently - I don't fancy ANY of my mates girlfriends/ wives - though I fancy plenty of other girls; so I was wondering if there is some evolutionary imperative for this.

Think about it like this... if you fancy your mates wife, it will probably end in a fight in which one of you will die. (Don't forget that we are talking about cavemen here - literally!!) So, maybe blokes who fancy their mates wives will have fewer children than those who don't, and therefore... we have evolved NOT to fancy our mates wives.

Anyways... to try to actually answer the question, it just sounds bizarre - I guess he might have figured he had nothing to loose - a last throw of the dice, maybe? In which case, he would not have 'expected' anything - just 'hoped'. It sounds more desperate than underhand, after so many years.

Thanks to you both. When I asked him why he said it he did say it was a 'sod it' moment as he's really down on life currently. Nothing could ever come of it and he knows that (he's the last person who'd be able to live on happily with a family break-up on his conscience) so, if nothing can come of it, why say it? I just don't understand making a confession for confession's sake.

He had everything to loose from it as well - a number of good friends, a new girlfriend, his self-respect just being three!

Hi Popzie, hope you don't mind me posting on this, not being a dad.

But I have been where you are, or somewhere similar, as you know, so feel able to say the following.

You'll never know why. It could be as simple as because he really loves you and couldn't hold it in any longer. It could be that he fancied a bit on the side. It could have been a moment of madness.

None of that matters. What matters is you and how you are going to move forward - and you aren't going to do that by affording this bloke any more headspace.

Believe me, I know.

Agree with what sadstory said.

Who cares what his motivations were. You decide how it affects you, you can ignore it and just leave it at that.