Our relationship needs some serious work. I don't know how to start.

[flippedfrog]

Old timer, namechanged (not that it should matter) (iCod, homemade penis ornament, umbilical cord set in fiberglass, Moldies, penguins).

So, we are stuck in a rut so deep I can't see out.

Our children are young, and the youngest is still not really a reliable enough sleeper to get a sitter, so dh and I have not been out together for years.

We haven't had sex for nearly 3 years.

Everything is perfectly friendly, and I like DH very much. We chat about boring things and interesting stories we read in the paper. We sometimes watch a film together, but more often than not he watches crap telly and I surf the net - either end of the same sofa but we may as well be in different countries.

We are tired. We get snippy with each other. We sleep in separate beds because of our children's rubbish sleeping habits (which, believe me, we are trying to sort out. We really are).

I don't fancy him, but I think I could again.

He doesn't fancy me and I don't think he wants to. He's a bit grossed out by sex I think. I'm not sure. We don't talk about embarrassing things. (By the way, I think it is grossly unfair that he doesn't fancy me - I might not be Angelina Jolie but I'm alright, I'm 5'4, size 10, dress nicely, don't have halitosis, 2 eyes, 1 nose, 1 mouth and all in roughly the right place. I think I'm quite pretty I suppose. I work out and go running. Not a bulldog chewing a wasp anyway).

We are thinking about having baby #3. I had vaguely thought that when we wanted another child we'd have to start having sex and things would sort of mend themselves, but (a) we only had sex once to concieve dc2, and (b) we're not sure if we even want another.

I have absolutely NO IDEA how to start mending our relationship. I think it's up to me to get the ball rolling - I could grow old waiting for him to take the initiative.

I don't know how to do it.

TBH I don't really desparately want 9 months of pregnancy followed by 2 years of baby. But in the long term 3 children would be nice.

What if we put all this work into getting back on an affectionate even keel, and then ruin it all again with another baby in a years time?

I suppose it wouldn't kill me never to have a 3rd baby, but in the big picture I tend to think that the sacrafices made now will be worth it.

Oh I don't know.

The will we / won't we have another baby is a separate issue really.

I have to say I wouldn't have another baby without sorting things out either. I am probably in a similar situation to you with regard to being in a rut but not considering a 3rd child. I can see though, that if I did want another one, I would have to sort things out otherwise it would be the end. The additional strain would kill us off completely.

Having a baby won't have to ruin things if you have got your marriage back on track. You will have learnt something through the process of putting things right that will be useful when a 3rd child comes along and you can make sure you don't end up back where you are now when that baby arrives. There is no reason, if you come to understand one another more and you start putting your marriage as a priority that this will happen again. Presumably you wouldn't fix things and then go back to your old way of relating, would you?

If you don't put things right first, you may not survive the pregnancy and first two years of another child as a couple and that isn't fair on the children you already have or either of you

agree with NIECE I was envisaging that in finding your way back to a "full" relationship you would see where you had gone "wrong" if you will, and be able to avoid it happening again.

Obviously all relationships need to go a bit on the back burner when you have a new born but at least you would know not to let yourselves side into years of complacency again.

And yes, just ask him what he thinks of the current situation.See where you go from there.

From what you have described of your life together it sounds like he might feel the same way as you.