Please recommend a self help book to save my marriage!

[fuzzyfelt]

Hi - has anyone read a self help book that really has turned things around for them? DH and I at a real low point in our marriage due to that usual bugbear - lack of communication. Have re-read Men are from Mars and am just reading Men Can't Read Maps - both really helpful at pointing out our differences but neither books really tell you how to get over the differences - except have date nights etc etc and I fear we are way past that
Tnanks. X

If you're both up for it (really needs participation of both), I would recommend Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. Not normally a Dr. Phil fan but the book is good. hth

Thanks SHMN! We are both up for it. X

Throw away the books and start communicating with him.

But, if you really need a good book, then read 'The Road Less Travelled' by . Scott Peck.

It is my bible, I read it at least annually and it has helped me change my life dramatically.

I read 'The Road Less Travelled' years ago - I (we!) will re-read it - thanks.

Again one which is best if both partners are willing to read it and do the very useful exercises in back: "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. IMHO tis absolutely light years ahead of the usual self-help advice. Has a proper psychological approach and also involves you having to examine your parents' relationship with you.

Last read it a few years ago but there are still plenty of times I can sort of step back and recognise what is going wrong with our communication through remembering this book.

I wouldn't recommend any, least of all John FUcking Gray, whose advice boils down to 'WOmen, men don't understand you, shut up and stop whining and suck cock more often'.
You say that your problem is communication - does this mean that one of you won't talk, one of you gets aggressive, one of you promises to change an undesirable behaviour pattern but never does change, or what?

Ha ha SGB- I agree with the sentiment in Men are from Mars - similar in Women can't read Maps!

Our problem is that DH does not talk much. He does not do small talk which I think leads to the 'deeper' talk. He talks even less when he's stressed and he's had a v. stressful job for 2 years.

He knows he's no talker and he used to try and compensate. But since this stressful job he no longer has the energy or time.

He says he can't change, although he does want a closer relationship with me wich he acknowledges comes from communication.

I admit that I get angry about it on occasion and I critcise him for this which is not helpful I know. And this definitely makes it harder for him talk.

In more recent months I've given up trying to talk to him as every time I start a conversation he either a) looks panicky, b) fakes interest or c) is expressionless as he has no idea where I'm coming from. We're virtual strangers these days. We've got to sort it out though as we have children.
Sorry this is a bit rembling!

Relate website? Good selection of books on there.

What sort of communication are you looking for?

What's changed in the way you communicate?

Just normal relaxed chat in the first instance! Followed by an interest and understanding of what I have to say about other stuff - I suppose now you mention it I mostly want him to talk about our relationship but he is so defensive and seems cowed by criticism very quickly - even though I don't mean to criticise - I try and say 'we need to go out more' etc.

Nothings changed in the way we communicate really - I just notice it more now that the children are older and I'm less distracted by them!

Maybe if nothing's changed it's a big ask to ask him to change?

When you say, "we need to go out more.." maybe it sounds like you're making decisions for him? What would happen if you said..."I'd like it if we went out on our own..do you think you would...?"

Please stop reading any of that sexist nonsense that peddles stereotypes about men being unable to talk about feelings etc.

I don't think a book will help here much - I think counselling just might, especially if you feel you are past the "date night" suggestions - presumably because such a night would be hellish for the lack of proper dialogue.

In general, open questions are always best - tell me, how, why, what - and genuine active listening to what eachother is saying.

Express what your fears really are here - make sure you're on the same page about your concerns for this relationship.

Thanks all. A proper honesty session is needed! X

Til Death Do Us Part, by J. John. Brilliant book, very different from the men are from mars type books. Very helpful book, I re-read it every few years.

5 Love Languages is worth a read

There's a free quiz on the 5 love languages website which you can both do to find out each person's top languages then share the results with each other. This could then be a good way to.lead into a wider discussion where you both sit and listen to the other person (without interrupting) on what their needs are, how they want the other person to help fulfil that, as well as anything the other person is doing well (which you should start with so it's not all negative). Also have an agreement that each person should come with 3 positive things to highlight about the other person's character/what they do (including smaller things), for every negative thing that is brought up.

I second the Five Love Languages. The basic premise is that people receive (and therefore, usually give/show) love in different ways - I think the book identifies physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gifts as the most common ones.

It's rare for two people in a couple to both have the same primary love language so you can get into a situation where you both feel like you're trying really hard and the other person isn't appreciating your efforts, but if you're not showing love in a way they feel it then they won't "hear" you if that makes sense.

For example, my primary love language is physical touch but my husband's is words of affirmation. If he told me all the time, "I love you so much, you're the most beautiful woman in the world, you're my favourite person ever, I think you're wonderful etc. etc." I would just be thinking he was using words to cover up for a lack of affection because if he REALLY loved me he would hug me. Similarly if I held his hand, squeezed him when I went past him and gave him foot rubs he would be thinking that I couldn't REALLY love him because if I did I'd say it! So now I make an effort to tell him when I think nice things about him (I used to think them but not say them out loud because I thought he knew! But it's important to him to hear me say them) and he makes an effort to be physically affectionate (note: this is not a sexual thing, that's separate ). My husband's secondary love language is physical touch so that does tie in nicely with me and his is quality time so I try to make sure we have time regularly to focus on each other, even if it's only a few minutes after the toddler is in bed. (Her top two seem to be words of affirmation and quality time.)

I enjoy quality time with people and acts of service has become much more important to me since we had a baby but gifts I could take or leave, I don't seem to attach emotional significance to them but my MIL does so we always try especially hard with her birthday presents and so on.

It's quite an easy way to improve the way you relate to one another if you're both willing to make an effort. The book explains the different types and then there's a questionnaire to identify your own.

Other ideas: would he find communicating easier on a walk outside, or via letter to each other?

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