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Original poster

What does family mean to you?

12 replies

MummyDoIt · 04/04/2010 15:11

I've just come back from spending the weekend with family. I have a difficult relationship with them but had a bit of a heart to heart, cards on the table, talk with my big sister. The good news is that we aired a lot of differences and now have a realistic idea of what sort of relationship we can have in the future. The bad news is that the kind of relationship my sister, and every other member of my family, is prepared to give falls way below my expectations of what a family ought to be.

I've now accepted this in my own family and will take them on their own terms but it's got me wondering if I'm completely unrealistic in my expectations or if I'm just unlucky with my family.

My ideal, by the way, given that we are separated by distance and everyone has very busy lives, would be to meet up three or four times a year with people taking it turns to do the hosting and the travelling. And that in case of emergency/trauma/serious distress, someone in the family would drop everything and go to the person in trouble. Is that realistic in this day and age or do I have some hopelessly romantic view of family life?

OP posts:
posieparker · 04/04/2010 15:18

It's realistic.

FabIsGettingThere · 04/04/2010 15:19

I have no idea as I don't have one.

It is good you have cleared the air.

thumbchick · 04/04/2010 15:23

glad you've cleared the air.
I can't say that your view is realistic or unrealistic - but it is obviously unrealistic for YOUR family.
Whereas for other families it is realistic.

My family would fall somewhere between the two; on the low side I think. In the end, the trouble with dealing with family is in NOT accepting them for who they actually are, but in holding onto some kind of "fantasy" family ideal, which they are bound to disappoint.

Let it go - you have different ideals from them - they aren't going to change. Accept them for who they are or leave them to it, but don't stress about it either way.

Original poster
MummyDoIt · 04/04/2010 15:23

Sorry about that, Fab. You can have mine but I don't think you'd be getting a good deal!

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 04/04/2010 15:25
thedollshouse · 04/04/2010 15:27

I can understand why you want what you want but unless everyone else wants the same it isn't going to work is it? You wouldn't want to meet up with family if they are just meeting up out of duty.

I see my mum and sister about 5 times a year but it is always a bit of a rush because of the time it takes us to get there and back. My other sister and brother I see less than once a year, we get on but they don't ever make any effort to get-together so thats just how it is. We are always expected to make the effort to visit family they won't come to see us.

Original poster
MummyDoIt · 04/04/2010 15:28

Thumbchick, that's exactly the stage I've come to. I've been causing myself a lot of heartache, wishing my family could be there for me a bit more. Expecting them to, really, and being disappointed. I've now come to accept that they are what they are and I can take it or leave it. It's hard to let the ideal go but I'll be saving myself a lot of stress in the future.

OP posts:
thumbchick · 04/04/2010 15:32

Yep. It's sad to admit that your family aren't up to your expectations (been there, done that, always wanted a lovely mummy who would call me darling and ask about my day - nae luck there then - she wasn't a bad mum, she just wasn't quite what I wanted) but accepting the reality you have is the only way to deal with it - well done for doing that already.

Now go and find some lovely friends who will fill in the gaps! That's what I have, to some extent - not that I expect them to drop everything (and some of them couldn't anyway) but they would be more likely to help out in a crisis than some of my family.

aSilverlining · 04/04/2010 15:34

What does family mean to you? Well to me my 'family' are the people around me in my everday life who are there for me and vice versa, whose company I enjoy and who I choose to see/visit/ have in my life on a regular basis. In my case these are not genetic relatives.

OP perhaps you can choose to concentrate on other people around you if your relatives are falling short? I have family issues too and realising who they are and they will not change and accepting that has helped me let go a little and focus on other people, letting them know I am there for them and in turn they have let me know they are there for me.

dejavuaswell · 04/04/2010 18:05

They matter a lot to me. I matter a lot to one of my sisters but not at all to the other. Curiously the secular one is loving and caring in a family context while my religious sister is very "off" to anyone not in her subsect of a sub sect of an offshoot of ..... You get the picture.

Ladyscratt · 04/04/2010 18:05

I generally don't do family unless it is my own. Ie DH, DD and me.

ILaws and I don't really get on and my family, too many long issues.

Depends on whether you need that sort of thing.

mumblechum · 04/04/2010 18:35

To me, family is me, dh & ds.

Other rellies, inlaws etc all live hundreds of miles away, we see them a couple of times a year and they're not hugely important day to day

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