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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So boring...........

20 replies

inbetweeny · 03/04/2010 21:24

I am so fed up with my relationship with my dh. He has never been the life and soul but every night he just falls asleep in front of the TV and gets very irritable if woken or spoken to.

So here I am on a Saturday night sat on the computer upstairs because he's been asleep downstairs. He woke and was sweating so I said 'why don't you take your jumper off darling' and he said 'no, I'm alright' - his usual response and he gets irritable because I've woken him!

He works nights and he's been asleep in bed most of the day, I have been out most of the day and come home, he sits in front of the Tv and within no time at all is asleep again! I'm so fed up with my boring life.

We have 2 boys at home with us, one off to uni in Sept and the other going to college, they are lovely boys and the only thing that keeps me here.

Sorry, just needed to tell somebody

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 21:26

inbetweeny do you do anything together as a couple? by the sounds of it your boys are grown up enough for you to get some life back in the evenings?

CarGirl · 03/04/2010 21:27

Is he unwell? Does he have sleep issues that make him so tired in the evenings?

Original poster

inbetweeny · 03/04/2010 21:34

I have 2 daughter's from a previous marriage who are now 24 and 27 and a wonderful 10 week old Grandson. I have been with my dh for 20 years and our 2 sons are 16 and 18.

I have had a lovely day out with both daughters and our Grandson while dh has been sleeping. I came home very happy and suggested we go out for a bite to eat and drink tonight together, he brushed it off, I cooked tea and we both sat down to enjoy Sat evening TV, within minutes he was asleep (very usual). He was woken when one of our sons came in and I said something to annoy him and off we went again, being horrible to each other!

He has never been a good conversationalist and I have tried so hard over the years to explain to him how important it is for us to go out together and have a chat now and again but it just doesn't register with him.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 03/04/2010 21:35

Does he snore really badly?

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 21:37

oh inbetweeny this just sounds like such a slog - how long has he worked nights for?

Original poster

inbetweeny · 03/04/2010 21:37

No, he used to a couple of years ago but now he doesn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

inbetweeny · 03/04/2010 21:40

He has worked nights for the last 2 years but has done so in the past and working nights does not affect him sleeping in the day.

He has no distractions in the day on weekdays as I work all week and the boys are not home for most of the time so he has no excuse not to sleep.

Even before he worked nights I used to try and talk to him about going out an finding things to do together but I feel exhausted with it now.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 21:43

I'm not surprised - there are detrimental affects of working shifts for lengthy periods of time which is the only reason I asked - I wondered if he had maybe reached that point but by the sounds of it this has been going on for a long time

is he depressed? does he get enthusiastic about anything?!

Original poster

inbetweeny · 03/04/2010 21:51

dizzydixies - he gets enthusiasm about sport on the TV, he's lovely with our baby Grandson. He is a good dad to all four children and he somehow finds enthusiasm when we have the opportunity to go to the bedroom together, sorry but that's the only way I can describe it!

When it comes to us, we go nowhere together, we have no common interests and he has no enthusiasm to have a night out together now and again.

I am 49, young at heart and work 5 days a week to make ends meet. I just want a bit of a life outside or work (I am a nanny so I am with children all week. I want someone to talk to! If I talk about my work he says he doesn't want to know, it's boring.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 21:56

of course you do, and you deserve it.

have you had a holiday recently? I wonder if a change of scene would force him into taking some action - how you can be bothered making the effort in the bedroom with a man that can't muster a conversation is beyond me though

Original poster

inbetweeny · 03/04/2010 22:22

We last had a holiday abroad 7 years ago. We have had a few camping holidays and I have been trying to get him interested in a camping holiday this year (all we can afford) but he shows so little interest.

Exactly, I don't make the effort in the bedroom because apart from that side of things he shows very little interest in me as a person.

I want to hang on to our relationship and make things better but how can I when he shows no interest even when I scream it at him?

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 22:26

do you think he would consider counselling? if you want to make this marriage work but can't get through to him yourself maybe showing how serious you are and involving some professionals might encourage him to act?

Original poster

inbetweeny · 03/04/2010 22:33

Years ago I suggested this and he was not interested, he doesn't see there is a problem.

I want things to work but have got to a point where I don't think even counselling would work because he wouldn't take notice.

I can't make a life of my own because I worry about the boys and financially I have no back up.

I am so used to feeling fed up, then the next day getting on with it as if nothings wrong.

I guess I just need a shoulder to cry on now and again.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 22:37

there is NO reason for you not to have a life - if he wants to waste his sleeping in front of the tv then let him

is there a group you can join, local drama group/ are you involved with the church/ salsa or belly dancing?!

you get one shot at this, you've raised your kids and have a lovely relationship with them so get on, live your life and hope that at some point he'll want to join in

CarGirl · 03/04/2010 22:38

I 2nd dizzydixies just because he's old before his time shouldn't stop you going out and indulging in some hobbies if he decides to join in later then fab, but if not live your life.

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 22:40

ooh and shoulder is always here regardless of what you decide to do

Original poster

inbetweeny · 03/04/2010 22:47

Thank you both My daughters have told me to find an interest of my own and go out and do it. Every time I try I find excuses not to, which is my own fault I know.

I love being a mum and Grandma but I'm a young 49, I want more than sitting in front of the TV 7 nights a week. There is a belly dancing class I could go to and I have a friend who goes salsa dancing so I could ask her if I can join in.

I am fed up with sitting in night after night drowning my sorrows in a couple of glasses of wine or a few G & T's.

I will make myself look into other things i can do outside of the home. Thank you for listening to me x

OP posts:

CarGirl · 03/04/2010 23:10

Absolutely go and live your life, we will listen anytime because we clearly have very little life

umdefinatelymaybe · 05/04/2010 11:29

inbetweeny I really feel for you I'm in the same boat, am similar age to you and my partner lives entirely in the bedroom, sleeps a lot of the time, all afternoon every afternoon, has no enthusiasm for anything but watching telly, I'm at the end of my tether to be honest it is completely soul destroying, If you fancy a chat contact me we can swap stories. Seriously though I do feel for you I know what it is like xx

KAEKAE · 06/04/2010 16:15

I am in the same boat and I am 31 and my DP is 40. He is only interested in sitting in front of the TV after work and we never go on holiday. We have resorted to sitting in the same room on different laptops. I have considered leaving him, but I have no where to go and two small children. If I were you and my children were grown up then I would either get involved with the things you've talked about, or leave.

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