I'm depressed. Married dh last august after 8 years together because we decided to ttc. I am 38 and he is 42 so I feel I can't wait any longer before I lose any chance for children. I have a decent job, 1300 per month after tax, student loan, pension payment. After paying rent, car payment and insurance, electricity, tv/phone/broadband, mobile, council tax and professional registration I have about 100 left for the month. He is a chef who hasn't had full time work for a year. He gets one or two shifts at weekends at one restaurant. He is 'looking for work' which means playing games on the computer. When he gets paid we use that for food, petrol. He goes to the pub when he has 'spare' money but doesn't know when to stop so gets really drunk and annoys me when he gets home (talking shite, keeping me awake when I'm up the next day etc). We both smoke cigarettes, I would love to stop but despite trying patches, lozenges, hypnotism, Allan carr, and just plain not being able to afford it, I haven't yet managed. I work in a medical field plus am trying ttc so I know how stupid and unhealthy and idiotic it is as well as draining the finances but honestly feel I need the next cig and the next etc so am blaming myself for being skint. I love dh and know he would love to be earning a full time wage but he won't apply for full time jobs as he likes working weekends in his current place. He says it's because there aren't any suitable jobs going, credit crunch blah de blah. He 'can't' apply for benefits because he's not on the books on the restaurant so therefore doesn't have wage slips. If I ever have a baby he will be sahd while I go back to work full time. His mum sends us money to help out occasionally.
I am depressed and feel as though I am doing all the work, paying everything and still am not getting anywhere financially. I know I enable dh to drink and to continue as he is but short of splitting up I can't see what to do. I love him but have lost a lot of respect for him. I 'nag' him so he says (phone and thank your mum. Get a full time job. Do the dishes while I'm at work - yes even if you did cook the dinner etc etc) he doesn't do housework, dishes, anything like that.
Any words of comfort or am I just a complete loser/doormat/idiot for not wanting to split up. I do know the advice will be leave him. I love him and enjoy spending time with him, I was amazed he wanted me at the start as no-one ever asked me out and my previous relationships, although long, were with either alcoholics or guys who left me for other women. I still have low self esteem and can't face the thought of being alone or starting over (and meeting another loser).
Will stop my rambling/moaning now. In fact there's nothing to be said except leave him, I expect. I feel it's all my fault and want to go to sleep for a month.