This is my first post, so apologies for the silly name, but I hope to post a lot more in the future when I actually have kids and will think up a proper name then
Me and DP got together just under a year ago. Just before we did (we met at work) he moved near to where I lived so that he could be closer to work. He had previously lived here 4 or so years before for the same job before moving in with a friend a bit further away for the interim.
A few months in (maybe 4) he had a random call from a "friend" that he had known when he lived here previously. Said friend is a drug dealer. DP gave up smoking cigarettes (1-2 a day) after we got together - not 100% because of me, although smoking would be a deal breaker for me. So when the friend rang him and duly found out that DP had moved back here, he ended up offering him some of his wares. This hadn't been mentioned in our relationship before and DP asked me if I would like to share some with him. I ended up declining because I felt that I had been there, done that at uni (a handful of times if someone offered me) and us sitting in our flat smoking weed together wasn't something that appealed to me at all. In fact the whole thing made me feel worried and upset and it has done for the past few months - but I have been putting up with it because a) he only smoked at the weekend, after I had gone to bed (we weren't living together then, but spent every night together as we lived so close), b) he only bought some about every 6-8 weeks and it would be gone in a fortnight or so, so the majority of our time together was smoke free. At the time I was unemployed (made redundant in August) and he was still working at the same place, so I felt it was fair for him to need some time alone as we spent all our time together and I was alone during the day. It still made me unhappy as I just hate it, but I felt that this compromise was okay (we had discussed it and come to this conclusion). The only other thing I had a problem with was that whenever the guy rang him to offer drugs, he wouldn't say no, and I didn't know if this was because he always happened to want some when he rang, or if he was afraid of offending the bloke (or something).
Fast forward to February and DP got made redundant as well. A few days after his last day at work, he rang his dealer friend and organised to buy some. I felt horrible about this and realised it was because it was the first time DP had initiated it. As usual when he left to meet the guy, I felt sick and worried, with my stomach in knots. That week, his first of being off work, he smoked every day and didn't even wait until I had gone to bed. I didn't say anything because I would have felt stupid and I knew that being unemployed was hitting him hard. The following weekend, drug dealer rings him to say he's off to Malaysia for a few weeks and does he want to get any? Normally he would have said no as he hadn't quite run out (remember the 6-8 weeks thing!) but of course he said yes, and met him not once but twice that day, to also get some for a friend who was coming over in the evening. That night DP and friend both went into the kitchen to smoke as I sat just outside on the sofa feeling like a loser (why???). The next day, Sunday, I asked DP not to smoke and he said that he wasn't going to anyway because he had a job interview the next day (oh thanks, not because of me then!). The rest of that week he smoked each night even though he had a meeting with a recruitment agent on one day and a second interview on another. At the end of that week we had a big talk with me getting really upset, and ending with him agreeing to go back to weekends "and maybe a few weeknights". I couldn't understand what was wrong with the original deal but knew he was trying to push me, but arguing about it was exhausting and I just wanted to give up.
In the meantime we moved in together on the 1st March. I got offered a job soon after so that was good, as we had been in the house alone together for a few weeks. The weekend before I started, it had got to me so much that I met up with my sister to discuss it and I ended up coming home to write down how I felt, and him reading it. Cue big argument (but not til the next day!) and him agreeing reluctantly to only smoke after I'd gone to bed at 2 nights per weekend (Fri-Sun) plus Wednesday while I was up watching Gossip Girl. One day in my first week of work (week before last), I came home to kiss him and could taste it on his breath. I felt like crying, worried and not knowing what to do - smoking in the evening was bad enough but during the day made me feel like he was turning into some stoner. We had it out again that evening and he said that he had been feeling really down - he had made it into the final 2 of the interview he had, but not got it, and had had no action on the job front since. He was understanding though and agreed not to do it again in the day. He reminded me that his druggie friend was still abroad and he had nearly run out so he would be smoke free from the weekend (last weekend). From then to yesterday, he had nothing to smoke and things were good.
Yesterday he mentioned that he was playing with the dealer friend on PS3, for the first time. Later, just as I said I was going to bed, he said he was going to stay up a bit. I asked him if it was to play COD (sigh, another story there! ) and he looked shifty and said "and have a smoke". I said that I thought he didn't have any, and he said that he got some early in the week. I asked why he hadn't told me, and he got shirty and said that it hadn't come up in conversation, even though I had asked him earlier when he had added drug friend on the PS3 friends list and it was the beginning of the week! So he had bought some on Monday and not told me. I am still waiting to watch my recorded Gossip Girl otherwise I assume he would have been smoking on Wednesday! And it's only been a week or so since he ran out.
We have talked about this so much and I am getting to the end of my tether. I hate hate hate it. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and I have even been tempted to shop the dealer bloke. DP insists it's not illegal to smoke in your own home but I looked it up and it is. He knows I hate it and hate the smell of tobacco in particular. After I went to bed it took ages to get to sleep even though I'm always tired at the mo having been only 2 weeks in my new job. Then I woke up at some point, and could hear him getting up from the sofa, closing windows and getting ready to come to bed. I looked at the time and it was 3am! I went to bed at 12 .
He didn't know that I was awake and he is still asleep now. I feel so shitty about this all, especially as last night he got all defensive when I asked him what day he got it, and accused me of having a problem (no shit!). I hinted heavily that I wanted sex, and that he could even go back to the PS3 and weed after, but he didn't seem keen and said "we can have sex anytime". (Yes, but it's been 2 days, something he can't usually handle as well as me!) When I asked him outright if he wanted sex, he said no I feel like this is the last straw as he chose having a smoke over sex with me?
I think what I hate the most is that for the first 4 months he didn't need to smoke at all and I don't see what's changed He knows I don't want to give him an ultimatum as that's a bit harsh and would breed resentment, but he has told me that he would give up smoking if he had to choose between it and me. I just don't see how that is going to happen without an ultimatum? He also said that me forcing him to agree to certain days was like having to sign a contract, but I know from experience that if I don't restrict it to that extent then he will take the piss (as he has buying it a week after he ran out this time). I feel trapped
Sorry it's long, feels good to get it off my chest. And thanks in advance for any replies, will be v grateful