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Relationships

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Original poster

"If I find out you've smoked, Ill throw you out"

28 replies

WisforWogarts · 03/04/2010 11:02

What would you do if your DH told you that if he found out you'd been smoking, he'd throw you out?

Or if when you come home from a smokers house, he's sniffing you and makes a massive fuss over it and starts to imply that you've probably had a couple yourself and if he found out you had, he'd go beserk?

What would you do?

OP posts:

ToccataAndFudge · 03/04/2010 11:03

I'd tell him to fck off. (or fck off myself)

wukter · 03/04/2010 11:04

Tell him to f off. It's not up to him.

Fimbow · 03/04/2010 11:04

He sounds a charmer. No advice I am afraid, but I doubt I would want to stay with someone as controlling as he sounds.

Lulumaam · 03/04/2010 11:06

wow, he must really value your marriage and relationship if he was prepared to break up the marriage over a cigarette.

not

i'd be questioning very seriously if i wanted a lifetime with this man

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 11:06

Point out to him that, legally, he can't (you say H so you are married, that means that the house you live in is the matrimonial home and one partner cannot just force the other to leave without due legal process). And that he should stop being a dick because he is neither your boss nor your owner.

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2010 11:22

do you love this 'man'???

do you have dc?

YanknCock · 03/04/2010 11:35

From the other side of this....I told DH I didn't want to get married if he didn't stop smoking. I love him dearly, but didn't want to watch him slowly killing himself, didn't want all the associated stink, discoloured fingers/teeth, smelly breath, and smelly clothes that come along with smoking. Would have seriously put a damper on my ardour for him to live with that.

He HAD quit on his own just after we first met. He restarted after I had a miscarriage and in the run up to our wedding. Would I have called it off if he hadn't stopped again? Very probably not. But I definitely nagged, pushed and expressed my disappointment.

I would never have said I'd throw him out of the house (because as has been pointed out, I couldn't anyway). I admit to sniffing and catching him out when he'd had sneaky fags while away on business trips.

I don't own him, no. Maybe I am controlling, yes. Have just asked him and he agrees it is fair to say he wanted to quit, and my nagging was added incentive not to smoke.

Just another perspective.

UnquietDad · 03/04/2010 11:45

There are more constructive ways of putting it. But he does have the right to say he is unhappy about being in a relationship with someone who is endangering their health and makes the house smell like an ashtray.

As I think people here would more readily agree if it were a woman saying this to a man. Be honest.

wukter · 03/04/2010 11:50

He'e entitled to say "Don't smoke in the house, the family car or around the children", or "I don't fancy the smell of cigs off you - it may affect our sexlife", or "I'm worried for your health".
But the way he is going about it is not on. Too controlling.

2rebecca · 03/04/2010 12:12

Agree with above posters, asking you not to smoke in the house or in front of kids is fine. All this sniffing and threatening to throw you out sounds controlling and bonkers. I have a cigarette every month or so. This doesn't affect my husband or kids and if my husband started moaning I'd feel he was a control freak and would discuss the future of our relationship. I would never have married a 20 a day guy though, just as I wouldn't want to live with someone addicted to anything else.

MitchyInge · 03/04/2010 12:18

I remember a thread in which everyone enthusiastically agreed with the OP that if her husband didn't stop smoking he'd have to go! It was hilarious

emsyj · 03/04/2010 13:03

I couldn't tolerate even a monthly cigarette personally - I would have serious second thoughts about DH if he started smoking. It's a very important issue to me. I do think threatening to throw you out is a bit childish and not very constructive, but can understand him having strong feelings about it. I couldn't (and wouldn't) live with a smoker.

SugarMousePink · 03/04/2010 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YanknCock · 03/04/2010 13:54

Am with emsy, I wouldn't tolerate a monthly cigarette either. DH has an addictive personality. 1 becomes 2, 2 becomes 3....pretty soon he's back to buying the half pack, then the full pack of his B&Hs.

Even if he could have 'just one' a month, I would have a problem with it. I don't cover myself in a foul, nasty smell once a month and expect him to put up with it--so why should I?

KAEKAE · 03/04/2010 14:03

I think asking you not to smoke in the house is fine...my father doesn't like my mother smoking in the house..she still does and I do think it's pretty selfish of her TBH.

I do think your DH is going about it the wrong way...if it were my DH and he spoke to me like that I would 1. do it all the more and 2. tell him to stop talking to me like he was my father and I was his teenage daughter!

ItsGraceAgain · 03/04/2010 14:19

Hold on a second. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. That's not a relationship thing, it's the law.

Very obviously, your H hasn't got a bunch of respect for you and your feelings.

Non-smokers, I would point out that some of you breach my rights when you rant at me about how disgusting my habit is, tell your children to "stay away from that smelly woman" ... and express your disappointment in me, nag me or decide I mustn't do something because I have an addictive personality.

You have the right to express your wishes. But not to insult me or to make my choices for me.

farmerjones · 03/04/2010 14:20

call his bluff. or better yet, leave him first, and screw him for every penny. twat/.

SugarMousePink · 03/04/2010 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YanknCock · 03/04/2010 14:49

Grace, no one said anything about you personally, so stop acting as though anyone has.

Mongolia · 03/04/2010 14:52

Well, it depends, what were you, or the other people, smoking?

ItsGraceAgain · 03/04/2010 14:54

YanknCock, I (over)reacted to some of the comments above - intolerance is unattractive, even when it's about smokers.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/04/2010 17:52

As I said to female poster recently in your H's shoes, he has the right to not be around you when you smoke, to ask that it's not in his or the children's space, but he has no right to tell you that you cannot do something that is perfectly legal.

It's not just about this though is it? This really sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

bronze · 03/04/2010 17:56

I feel like saying this to dh though I havent. Hes quit (quite seriously loads of money on aids) three times for a reasonable amount of time. Each time I go through absolute hell as he does it and he recently just started again. It can't continue as we cant afford it which he knows so the thought of putting up with the fagginess til he runs out of money to fritter and then going through that hell again is ... making me miserable at the thought

and I used to smoke...

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 21:48

It's OK to dislike smoking and to want your partner not to smoke. It's also OK to ask you partner not to smoke in the house, in the car or around the children.
It's NOT OK to threaten another adult and bully them in the way that the OP suggests is happening. FFS, 'If you smoke, I will leave you' is a bit excessive but, OK, if you hate smoking that much it's sort of acceptable but there is a big difference between saying 'If you smoke I will leave this relationship' and 'If you smoke I will throw you out of the house.' You CANNOT make another person leave his/her home for engaging in a legal activity that you don't like, and if you think you have the right to do that, or indeed the right to punish another adult for doing something that is not illegal, you are wrong and a bully.

jasper · 03/04/2010 22:59

what an outrageous thing for your dh to say

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