Can he take our kids?

[tiredashell]

I've name-changed as I have some rl friends on mn and would really not like them to know yet.

I'm very worried and hoping somebody can help or at least point me in the right direction. It's a very long story but I'll make it as brief and to the point as I can.

My dh and I have never had an easy relationship. There was some emotional "you're not good enough" mind games that went on early on although they seem to have died down. Nonetheless our marriage looks like is on a complete downward spiral.

My main concern is this: He is the earner of the house, I have in the past 5 years worked as a childminder but have let my registration lapse and besides am no longer interested in doing that. I have gained my degree over the last 3 years and have accepted a place to study a post graduate course starting in september. We have also just moved to the city where I will be studying and it is away from any of my friends or family.

I am concerned that my husband may try and take our 2 dc's. I have little family and support (my mum lives abroad) and as I said we have just moved to a new city. Whereas I feel he may say he can move down to london ane live at home where his mum will care for my dc's (as she doesn't work) and he can work to provide for them and put a roof over their head.

If he leaves, I cannot support myself initially. I have no money, his money has always been his money so I cannot even access any, besides I am in quite a lot of debt (built up as a student). We have just signed a 12 month tenancy which has my name on so he can literally go and not be affected. And on top, I must do my post graduate course to be able to support my dc's efficiently. I do not want to give up the place as it is very hard course to get into.

Can he take them? will courts give him residency? I will be doing a full time course and have to have a childminder look after them whereas he can have his mother look after them and has a strong family network (they are 5 and 3 btw, one is in f/t school and the other in p/t nursery). I am really worried and don't know where to go.

Contact Women's Aid. Your H is abusive. They will be able to help and advise you, but please be assured that it is very unlikely he will be able to take custody of the DC against your will, particularly if there is evidence of abusive behaviour on his part: start a diary of all incidents.

Oh and as to, how do I know that your H is abusive? Because, though you don't describe any specific incidents, the fact that yo uare so frightened of him and what he might do are clear indications of psychological abuse and I wouldn't be a tall surprised if there's been some physical as well (smashing things, pushing you, 'accidentally' treading on your feet etc).

Not sure..... But you've been main carer so that kind of gives you more chance of gaining residency

but are you splitting up? Surely a discussion xnd shared residency, would be best for the dc

no he isn't physical at all. He's very passive aggressive or repressive (not sure which), in that if I have a problem with him and try to bring it up, he just turns it around on me and says it's my fault, I'm too inpatient, short-tempered etc. It's always my fault. He very rarely says what's on his mind and that's why I'm worried. We've been married for 5 years and I don't know him, in that if he was really pushed, I don't know how he would react as he is always so friggin controlled.

TBB I would be happy for shared residency, I don't mind that at all. It is what is best for the dc's. We haven't split up yet and I'm afraid the only reason we haven't is because of the dc's. There is no love there any more (and it was fleeting on his part when it was).

I'm worried that he will try and get sole custody. That is my issue and whether or not he can claim that he could provide a better home than I could due to his family support.

You are married so his money is not "his money" as you put it and he will be obliged to provide some financial support for you and your children. Please go and get some advice as soon as possible, try the CAB as a starting point but it is very unlikely that a court would let your H take your children purely because he has a job and you don't.

Build a life with them..... By the time it got to court they would be happy and settled.

Courts don't generally disrupt a childs life unless there are welfare issues....... Not because a family member is a better daytime care provider than a childminder!

You'll be fine.

I just read they are in school......then he has little
chance of removing them.

ok thanks, I think i'll still go to CAB, was just panicked this morning after a comment he made, last week or so has been ridiculously strained and I just don't want to be blind-sided.

Sounds like he has always arranged things so that he has the power and control and you are in the shit if he walks away. You need to start making a few cunning plans of your own.

Either stash or photocopy key paperwork, birth, marriage certs, pay slips (his), so that is your marriage rapidly unravels then you are not scrabbling around to try and find copies. And knowledge is power, see the CAB and find out what you would be entitled to financially from him and as a single student parent.

No, he would not get sole custody, no can he just up and take them. These days 50/50 is common. Just because he has a relative waiting in the wings who can do childcare does not make him the better prospect - you both will be working parents. Many working parents use a chidminder, you are no different.

Also worth knowing if you're a university student is that you will have access to excellent free counselling and welfare advice from your university. Go and see your student welfare office; you should also talk through your problems with your personal tutor as a matter of priority, especially if your problems are likely to affect your academic work -- you should be able to get special consideration for coursework and exams, which might alleviate the smaller of your worries.

You ought to be able to access some great emotional and even financial support -- there are, amazingly, hidden advantages to being a student in such difficult circumstances.

I wouldn't have thought that he'd be in a better position because of his mum.

I can't imagine that a court would prioritise the care a grandparent can give over a mother?

You sound very scared - get some legal advice now.