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Original poster

Living with an addict . . . . . .

16 replies

thursdaysgirlhasfartogo · 03/04/2010 01:02

Can a relationship ever recover from years of addiction or will it always be over-shadowed by the lies, fear and torment that go hand in hand with day to day life with an addict?

Can the trust ever be regained?

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 03/04/2010 01:09

That's a difficult question. It depends on the people involved and how strong the relationship is. It depends on how deeply the addict betrayed their partner's trust inthe first place. If there was abuse of any kind towards the partner, I'd say that would be hard to recover from.

But I don't think it's impossible for a relationship to recover from an addiction. Just needs dedication, honesty etc from both partners.

Original poster
thursdaysgirlhasfartogo · 03/04/2010 01:14

I know it's a situation that is unique to each couple/individuals involved,

our relationship was strong but now I'm just too tired of the whole thing, that i don't want to fight for it anymore and I feel incredibly hurt and let down that something else is continually more important to him than our DC and me

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 01:23

Is the addict clean, or getting clean? If not, it's time to get out. If the addict is making a serious attempt to get clean (ie has stopped indulging the addiction either with help or, if doing it alone, without rages, violence or other harmful behaviours) then the relationship may be recoverable but it's not unreasonable to tell the addict to move out of the family home until s/he is well on the way to recovery.
However, your post suggests that your partner is still an active addict and (perhaps) at the stage of promising to get clean for your sake. If that's the situation, throw him out or leave and take the DC, because it is NOT your job to save the addict. You can't do it. Addicts only stop using whatever it is when they choose to and TBH many don't stop. But you and your DC matter too, and you have to put yourselves first, let him sink or swim on his own.

Original poster
thursdaysgirlhasfartogo · 03/04/2010 01:39

Thanks SGB

He has been promising for years that he will stop - he has not made a any serious attempts.

This is not the first time he has battled with addiction, he had a problem before we met but was actually clean when we met, he uses different substances now but addiction is addiction I think.

He won't leave the house despite my repeated requests, he is a thoroughly selfish person though. He says it's because he has nowhere to go, so I have decided to leave - of course it's much easier for me to find somewhere with 3 DC under 5 yrs

What you have said in your post reflects exactly how I feel, I don't really actively wish him harm but as far as I am concerned he is on his own now

OP posts:
blinks · 03/04/2010 01:40

yes. with sobriety, work, honesty and understanding.

but you need to make sure that other relationships don't suffer for it. often children's relationships with their parents can become overshadowed by the parents relationship. try to include them in the recovery if they're old enough to be affected.

blinks · 03/04/2010 01:42

posted that before your last post...

totally different.

you need to put your money where your mouth is and focus on yourself and the kids. period. let him save himself. or not if that's what he decided. you can't help him.

Original poster
thursdaysgirlhasfartogo · 03/04/2010 02:05

yes i think my op was a bit misleading - sorry!

i am interested in finding out if other relationships have survived but i know it is too late for me and things are too far gone.

the crunch point is that recently this has started to affect my children in ways that i am unable to manage whilst in this house or around him

of course it did affect them before in terms of very having little interaction from their father, or his lack of patience with them but i was always able to shield them from that or to compensate by giving more of myself to them

but i have no family here and few friends who can help out so i am just worn out from looking after the DCs, managing the house/money (or rather lack of) and working full time but then i have to deal with all his crap on top of it

OP posts:
Original poster
thursdaysgirlhasfartogo · 03/04/2010 02:13

I do however feel so so sad fo my DCs - even thinking about it now I am crying.

they absolutely adore their daddy and it is going to be so heartbreaking for everyone concerned to take them away.

I have to find some way to get through this though because this is how he gets me to stay everytime

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 09:43

WHo owns the house/has their name on the tenancy agreement? If it's you (which wouldn;t surprise me, addicts rarely own property and usually have crap credit ratings) you can tell him to leave and if he refuses, you can have him removed by the police.
You need this man out of your life and at a distance from the DC's daily life as soon as possible. He is a parasite. All addicts are parasites. WHile the DC may adore their daddy, they will also find his behaviour confusing and frightening, and will feel much better when he's out of the house and out of their daily lives.

Original poster
thursdaysgirlhasfartogo · 03/04/2010 10:36

SGB - It's actually a joint mortgage. Like I said in a previous post he was clean when we met and he has been what you might call "a high functioning addict" in terms of working etc but the credit rating etc is now true.

He has agreed to put the house on the market. My reasons for leaving rather than fighting him to be able to stay in the house are because I need some help with the kids, I feel totally isolated (he has always made it difficult for me to make friends here) and I know that if I stay here (even in this city if not the family home) then I will never be rid of him.

What you have said about the DCs is spot on - and I know this but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I know that we can get through this though.

OP posts:
moanyhole · 03/04/2010 10:55

my own dh is in recovery from compulsive gambling and alcoholism for the past 18 months. there is so much im still resentful for. he stole, he ignored us emotionally to the extent that dd and ds wouldnt go to him, he lied, he ran up debts and gambled away our money. But when he finally hit rock bottom after dragging us with him, he went into recovery, attends several AA and GA meetings a week, is back to the decent kind man that he essentially is and his children adore him, i even kind of adore him myself now . it has been very tough, i go to al anon and gam anon meetings myself because ive had to learn to start living with someone in recovery and let go of the past. its still not easy, but we are getting there and i think we will survive. so in answer to your question, yes relationships can survive, but in my humble opinion only if the addict faces up to and deals with their problem and starts putting their family first again. its a long hard road, recovery and dealing with the resentment of the past, and attending AA or the equivalant meetings for life is in my book essential.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 11:00

Thursdaysgirl, you will honestly be so much better off and happier once he is out of your life and you have separated yourself from him financially. Obviously he will have to have access to the DC but you will be able to control this to the extent of insisting on blood tests (if his problem is substances and not gambling) before he sees them if he is claiming to have stopped. ANd you can certainly shut the door in his face if he turns up intoxicated in any way.
OK he may well be sufficiently distressed by losing his family to go into rehab, and good luck to him if he does. BUT if he does get clean, don't alow him back into the family home to live until he has been clean for at least a year. Addicts in recovery are vile to live with, because they will still make family life all about them and their problems - let him recover in a professional environment or with peer support.

Original poster
thursdaysgirlhasfartogo · 03/04/2010 11:08

Moanyhole - I hope things work out for and your family and I can imagine how hard it is to work through these issues. Best of luck x

SGB - I have no intention of taking him back - clean or otherwise. It is just the way I am I guess, I can take so much but when a certain line is crossed with me then there is no going back. I will support him in maintaining a relationship with the DC (if he cleans up his act) but now it's my turn to be selfish.

It is substances, not gambling or alcohol.

OP posts:
blinks · 03/04/2010 20:05

my mum never left and i hated her for it.

Original poster
thursdaysgirlhasfartogo · 04/04/2010 02:08

Blinks - my DCs may hate me for a lot of things when they grow up but that won't be one of them.

Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
blinks · 04/04/2010 11:02

good luck thursdaysgirl.

use all the support you can get. x

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