A LONG term plan to leave an unhappy marriage

[Enchilada81]

I plan to leave DH. I have for some time now but under my circumstances, I have no chance of being able to do it for another 4 YEARS which is when I should qualify as a registered nurse.

(Unless I managed to get a lower level job after my access course - less money but no need for uni iyswim?)

I'm not sure I can stick this out for 4 years though, the thought depresses me but I really have no other option.

Has anyone else had such a long term plan to end a marriage? did it work out?

While I have not been in your situation, I really think this is a bad idea. Living with someone you don't like is incredibly draining, depressing and scary: if he is a decent man you are simply incompatible with can you not negotiate an aimable separation with him? If he is abusive, you are endangering yourself by staying (abusers always escalate, they never scale down). If you dislike him because he is not monogamous, then he is likely to leave you for another woman before the four years are up.
Have you really looked into all your options? WHat are the worst problems? You will get financial help from the state as well as maintanence from H for any children that are his. If childcare is an issue, the more amicable you can make the separation from H the more likely he is to do his share of childcare.

It's not that he wouldn't let me leave, its that I literally have nowhere to go. Without a job I can't rent a house and even the ones that would accept housing benefit ask for a guarantor which I just can't get.

The council waiting list is about 5 years long anyway!

I just can't see what option I have really. We do get on most of the time, he's not violent ... he's just not the person I want to spend my life with. I feel trapped but don't know what else I can do.

Have you discussed the housing issue with the council housing dept? I'm sure there are deposit schemes/bursaries for nursing trainees etc or some sort of help. WHat do you think would happen if your H did leave you (or ask you to leave)? Or if he dropped dead?
The thing is, staying with a man you don't want to be with is corrosive to your self esteem. Sex often becomes a major issue (unless your H has a low libido or is a serial non-monogamist in which case it's probably not going to be a problem) -in that he may well want sex with you, and if you really can't face having it with him you're being a little unfair to expect him simply to live without sex indefinitely (because you don't find him attractive but want to stay in his house).

Are you planning on faking being happy for 4 years or are you going to tell him that once you're education has been funded you'll be leaving him?

4 years is a bloodly long time to keep up that sort of pretence. And poor him, thinking your happy, thinking that family sacrifices to allow you to study (financial and time to study etc) will be for the long term good for the whole family unit, when all along your just using him and will dump him when he's no longer required.

(BTW - a friend of mine's dad did this, went back to uni, lots of family sacrifices to let this happen, walked out the summer he graduated once graduate job secured and OW happy that she wouldn't have to pay for his education - his kids still see it as him using their mum, 20 years on)

I agree wth SGB (this is becoming a habit, eek).

As he's not actually preventing you from going, can you work something out with him? Does he know you want to quit?

If you posted that your H was abusive, controlling, withheld money etc then it would be reasonable for you to be making careful long-term plans, but it is actually a bit unethical to allow a basically OK man to think that he is happily married when you are using him as a support system but not planning to give him anything in return.

Hmm. A lot of people choose, as couples, to do this ie. put off leaving until dc older/parents can afford to split up and look after dc separately. So "unethical" can be a bit harsh. Though agree that if he doesn't know it is a bit off.

Personally, I really don't think it's the world's greatest idea. I cannot believe you'll manage in an unhappy relationship, having decided you really want to leave, for that long.

It will drain your soul and it will, yes, it will, impact on your dc.

On the other hand

You're right about studying/benefits. Basically, you're pretty screwed if you want to study/get any real kind of qualification. You always hear of wonder-women who've done it but they tend to have had someone in the background helping with childcare, some sort of obscure grant that has provided income, and/or something to help them with the vexed issue of housing benefit/rent.

It's just about manageable if the dc are in school and you can study p/t and have a grant that will cover living expenses (including childcare). But who on earth has that? I can't think of any grant that covers family living expenses these days. And bursaries for childcare from your institution are hard to come by.

Btw - I will probably be reprimanded for this but i don't think you're starting from a completely "ethical" position anyway.

Just because of the huge disparity in power that enters into male-female relationship with the arrival of children, it's often the case that "unhappy" marriages are often more unhappy for women. I suspect that in "unhappy" marriages, a lot of the "unhappiness" stems from the fact that men suddenly find out they hold the cards, (mainly, though not exclusively, down to the fact that women's earning potential dips dramatically with the arrival of childcare and attendant responsibilities,) and, sadly, the marriage is then organised around their "happiness" rather than that of other family members, especially the wife.

So I don't think the analogy with the dh leaving with another woman holds. Ime, male students with families seem to enjoy a lot more "family" (ie wifely) support than women in that position. Who knows why, but it seems to be the case. Strangely, they never, ever seem to be responsible for the childcare. Weird.

So I have a lot of sympathy with your intending to work towards acquiring some sort of long-term security/earning potential whilst within your marriage. If nothing else, it will give you bargaining power, and might even lead to changes within your marriage - as well as security for you and the dc if you leave.

Still, I think 4 years is a lot of time to spend in an unhappy marriage when you know you want to leave.

I second all theat Animula said, word by word.

I decided to leave my studies as I couldn't bear another 3 years of unhappy marriage (I thought that if I continued into the next degree, I would be forced to stay put).

As things worked out, by the time I should have ended my studies I was still at home as I couldn't find a way to get some financial independance in order to maintain the status quo for DS.

Plenty of peopl wait until their children are grown etc before splitting up so this is not that unusual.

But do take legal advice. If the children would choose you / live with you then you'd probably get the house and he would have to leave.

I agree with solid - i think it is wrong to string him along.

We had a friend have this happen to him - just before retirement she left him - he was stunned and did not know what to do - he became ill and unfortunately died - of course she came back for the life insurance!!

If i knew someone was doing this i would see it as lying and could not support them.

Sorry - but getting a life of your own anyway is a good idea and making sure you can support yourself too.

After having read some of your other posts about him on AIBU then he sounds, if not abusive, extremely unpleasant to live with for the next four years.

Can you speak to people who run your access course and find out if there are any options they know of to keep you on your course if you did leave him?

Have a thorough investigation into what support you can get on your nursing course as a solo parent. If you are going to make your decision based on finances alone, make sure they are the right financial calculations. Try the student welfare services, the CAB etc.

The house we live in his rented soley in his name. As neither of us were working at the time when we moved in, the house is guarantored by DH's father. So really I don't have a leg to stand on with it.

Its not actually the money that is stopping me. I've always lived on peanuts, it doesn't bother me. It's the fact that as I'm not working, I need a guarantor but nobody will do it. I just cannot get a house without one.

He is controlling. I have no say in the grocery shopping for instance, he constantly accusses me of having an affair (chance would be a fine thing!!).

I don't know what to do.

Basically my options are:

Find a minimum wage job now but with no experience or qualifications, that could take years anyway.

Do my nurses training, would take 4 years but job after it is pretty much guaranteed and then I'll have a decent wage to support me and the kids.

BUT I don't really want to string him along for 4 years either. Really, I don't. I just can't imagine that, in 4 years time, I'm about to graduate, DH is there making all kinds of plans for our future and I turn around and say "oh btw, I'm leaving you now! cya" - I don't think I could.

Cuold your course help with the housing? They must have some suggestions with regards to that, it won't be the first time they've had to deal with this I suspect.

When is your access course finished? Could you take a job after that for a brief period until you are settled somewhere then go back to studying? Could you study part time and work part time? How old are your kids?

You mentioned the shopping, is he the one who shouts at you in the middle of the supermarket? That is a terrible example to set for your DC for the next 4 years.
I would honestly go and talk to CAB, to your current student pastoral department and find out what your options are, because in 4 years I think your H will be a lot worse, and you might be totally trapped, job or not.

If you plunk down 6 months rent in advance, or take out rental guarantee insurance, or both, you can often find a letting agent/private landlord who will accept you. Obtaining said rent in advance might be quicker than waiting four years to retrain? Just a thought.
Your council may have a housing team who can help you with finding a private rental, it's worth inquiring.

Also, you have posted the same thread on here within days, why did you rephrase your OP and post again? Or am I just losing the plot and mistaking you for someone else?