Just wondering why we stay with these vile, horrible men...

[EnoughOfThis]

I've been lurking and posting in the relationship section for a little while now. It's quickly become obvious that there are many many women who are deeply deeply unhappy in their relationships, all because of affairs, alchhol, porn, prostition, etc etc

Why do we stay with these scumbags?

Why do we put on a public face and pretend things are ok when it's really really not ok at all?

Are there actually any truly decent men out there?

Yes, there are some I'm sure.

Most people have some issues, some imperfections but often these are not bad enough to be called abuse, or to damage another person...

however a lot of people don't want to manage their family alone, and I can understand why, it's bloody difficult.

Putting up with the odd downside of a bloke is understandable if on balance you get a lot out of it...security, albeit financial rather than emotional, that kind of thing.

Also some people stay because they love the man - I stayed with an alcoholic for a very long time after I should have jacked it in, simply because I worshipped him. I still do, despite his failings.

I ahve my own failings.
Sadly he is long gorn now but I'd never stop actually loving him, don't think I can. Respect went but the love didn't.

I stay with DH for practical reasons. I have no income of my own and nowhere to go and nobody around me who can help. I have set up a plan of action but it will be a while before I can "practically" see it through.

DH is not violent though, I'd hope it would be different if he was.

I think people stay when they are unhappy out of fear of going it alone, breaking the habit, keeping the family together, better the devil you know etc.
Also financial reasons and they have been putting up with 'behaviours' so long they are conditioned into accepting it is 'normal' and even when they realise how wrong it is, they stay for the above reasons.
Self esteem gets erroded and the fear sets in.

For the same reasons that decent men stay with vile, horrible wives I imagine, because of their love for the children.

I think the people on here sometimes forget that there a great many men in abusive or loveless marriages too.

Of course there are decent men out there - 95% of the men I know are loving husbands and fathers who put their families first at all times.

I stay with my vile partner because he has honestly sucked any life out of me. When we are in the same house I feel drained of anything - its what this type of man wants. Luckily I do know that by no means are all men like that. I have just been very unfortunate.

well i left mine.....disgusting man. he's the same with all new girlfriends now,only worse!!

have met a new man,but he's kept at arms length.....no living together or any of that

i have my own place with dc....and thats the way it will stay!!

My mother stayed with my father until I was 30. They eventually split when, after yet another enormous row between my father and I at Christmas, I finally told him about his father had abused me and my brother. He was horrified but it turned out that this awful man did the same to my dad's younger sisters and brother (he used to beat the crap out of my dad but didn't do other stuff). The family had just swept it under the rug as was usual in those days and as, sadly, still happens now. Anyway, the point of this is that my mum could forgive the alcoholism; the regular violence; the constant physical and emotional abuse; etc because she really did love him but she couldn't forgive him for allowing his father to have anything to do with my brother and I.

She even say now that she doesn't believe she will ever love anyone as much as she loved him.

Sadly, of course, I am completely unable to function in a real relationship and, although I've avoided abusive ones (I usually make it clear that even the intimation of physical violence means I'll be straight on the phone to the police, etc) I have no frame of reference for normality.

Anyway, the point of this is that if anyone reading this is staying for love but they have children please consider what you may be inadvertently teaching them.

Phew - that was cathartic. Sorry if it wasn't relevant.

Jazzicatz Oh I relate to that drained feeling. I, luckily am split with my ex and awaiting my decree nisi but even when he comes to see the dc if he is here to long all my energy and good feeling just drains away.........I really feel for you.

A word of encouragement though, I asked him to leave months and months before he actually went and he JUST WOULD NOT GO! I thought he never would and even when he did the first few weeks were just awful full of what ifs but now I am so much more positive, feel so much lighter and the opportunities seem endless. If you feel like that THEN LEAVE HIM ASAP, it will only start to get better from the moment he goes.

MOre women put up with toxic relationships than men simply because there is longstanding and deeprooted cultural myth that women exist for men's benefit, that women must be in a heteromonogamous relationship and should put up with pretty much anything to retain that relationship (because a single woman is a freak and a failure) and 'manage' the man's behaviour (men are abusive because the woman isn't good enough, is disobedient, doesn't offer enough sex or sufficiently adventurous sex, doesn't put the man first at all times etc etc).
It is also true that abusive partners often erode one's self-esteem slowly and steadily (regardless of gender) that it becomes impossible to see a way out, one thinks (or is told by the abuser and sometimes the abuser's friends and family too) that this is just how life is, and you are an immature whiner not to accept it.
THis is why affairs are often a very good thing for people in such situations, even though the new partner may not be much better than the old one, at least an affair boosts the abuse victim's self-esteem to the point were s/he can contemplate escaping.

my DH is a nice man, you can find great guys out there who dont treat women like shit.
i wish there was some way of telling though!

it should be EQUAL. you are all gorgeous, funny, intelligent women who deserve so much better than a man who thinks you are there to fulfill his housework/childcare/sexual duties.
you dont have an obligation to continue with anything that makes you unhappy.
its better to see two parents apart and happy than brought up in a cloud of misery.

Agree about the financial thing. My mum brought us up on her own. She had a choice of living on benefits or going back to work full time. She chose the latter and as a consequence we didn't see much of her and were practically brought up by very inexperienced au pairs. (sorry rubbish spelling today)

I have been determined not to do the same. But it's just so shitty not being in a loving healthy relationship. It feels like such a big sham.

I stayed with XP because I was forever thinking it would get better, Relate would work and life would be easier when the dc's were older. It didn't. He got worse.

But I was able to split up with him with the minimum of hassle as I own my own house and have family nearby. It's still very, very hard work but the alternative would have been dreadful.

The thought of being financially dependent on someone is scary .

lilacclaire put it perfectly - all those reasons apply to my life right now. I have been squirreling money away for a couple of months - no idea if I will ever have the courage to make a break for it but I feel better knowing I've a little nest egg slowly growing and he knows nothing about it

I think fear is the biggest thing. The not knowing you could cope - but of course we do cope.

Being finacially dependent is hard too.

I am so grateful for my h affair (shit as it was at the time) as i now know i can cope and i have also got a job again now.

I also know what i will try and teach my daughters now.

We do all have a choice - but sometimes it is scary to take the responsibilty for our own lives.

There are definately some lovely men but of course some really vile ones and also the really vile that pretend to be lovely. I think its a case of picking a good one by being really, really focused on what you are looking for in a partner (shared goals, personality type, what you want your life to be like etc.) and not getting sidetracked by stuff thats not important to you or a bit superficial. Also not panicing that your on the shelf or not good enough and just ending up with any old crap. Think clearly and don't ignore the red flags - I bet quite a few people if they are honest, in hindsight, did get a few early clues that maybe things weren't going to turn out good.

I agree that its really sad that so many people are unhappy. I've had sad times btw - okay I'm pretty happy now but I certainly don't think I have the answers!

Have to agree with REL. My ex dp stood me up on our third date because he was too drunk to drive back from his home town to see me, he asked me to move in after two weeks and I did (I mean who does that unless a bit nuts!? - both of us I mean) and was crazily jealous and throwing himself all around a supermarket we happened to go into because he had not been able to get hold of me via mobile while I was getting my hair highlighted. All these things happened within 4 weeks of meeting.

Cheers THM, in my rambling way I was just trying to say 'prevention is better than cure'. But - why the hell did we ever go along with this madness??!! I guess a lesson learned the hard way sticks.

I think for some people drama = passion. Not direct experience btw, just what it seems like from friends.

a lot of women would be emotionally better off single than with a man.

There is some kind of statistic that the happiest people are married men (because they get all their needs met) and single women (because they can busy themselves with meeting their own needs instead of worrying about a partner)!

The best thing my DH has given me though is my DS - does that mean I'm using him like a stud horse!?