why is my mum like this? (toxic) & how to handle it

[newmummy27]

Hi
i am hoping someone out there may have a similar experience, but has come to terms and learnt to deal with their relationship with their mother better than i am at the moment.

i am going to councelling at the moment as i have split with DH some am a single parent to a toddler. so i am feeling quite vulnerable anyway.

BUT, my relationship with my mother has had a bad effect on me for years and has erroded my self esteem and since becoming a mther myself i dont understand how a mother can be this way?

she does not talk about feelings and since my H has left she has not acknowledged the situation or given any support, even in practical terms really. she is very harsh to me " i wont be the first or the last" ws her response when i was devestated on my own (not said sympathetically but harshly).
when i have described to my councellor what she is like and given examples, she has described her as "toxic"

she left my dad when i was 14 as she was having an affair with her boss, she is still with him now. the probelm i have is if i try to tell her anything positive about what i have been doing, she ignores me and starts talking about herself! if there is a disagreement in any way she then pretends nothing has happened and never says sorry. she has given me no emotional support through PND or helping to adjust being a mother myself. i feel sad when i see others out with their mothers and children and i am on my own. not to menion the fact i now dont have H around either so it is difficult seeing families out.

i feel she is positive about other people but never about me, i am never good enough. i am a single mum and coping well i think and all she seems to be bothered about is if i have got the ironing done or housework, but never offers any help. i also work.

my councellor says i need to set bounderies with her and limit what i tell her. i am looking for something she cant offer. why is she like this with me? when i mention how i would love a daughter she just looks down? i just dont understand?

can anyone help how i can deal with this?

forgot to mention since i meeting new people she seems to hate it and not ask anything or just show any emotion that she cares about me. HELP!

I have found this web site very useful

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that my relationship with my Mother is toxic. Having my children highlighted, to me, how our relationship is all about her, I am merely the side show.

You have to understand it is not you, it is her.

thank you TCF, yes you have hit the nail on the head it is ALL about her. it is so hurtful that i am not even being treated like a human being, she asks my 2 yr ols questions she should be asking me asan adult, as if he would answer anyway, he cant! i will not let this go on! i will look at he site now.

do you still see your mum and how do you handle the rejection?

just read this phrase on the website about gaslighting "No matter what emotions or memories you bring up, they'll dismiss them." this is exacty what happens

I do still see my mum mainly because I do not want to lose contact with my Dad.

I keep conversation with my mum casual and would now never tell her anything that is really important to me because it is always used against me. (IYSWIM) I am also on my guard as she is queen of the back handed compliment so I don't realise she is being a total cow until a few hours later when the penny drops.

I screen my calls and only pick up when I feel like it. She has no sense of boundaries at all.

To be honest once I found the website I felt a sense of euphoria as I have always blamed myself for my Mum's behaviour.

Your counsellor is right, you need to determine your boundaries and enforce them. This can be quite difficult: if your mother doesn't recognise any real difference between you and her (she sees you as part of herself, is that more or less right?), clearly you will have grown up with a rather vague idea of who "You" are.

Perhaps having your own child has helped define you - as a mother, an individual. This may have made you more aware of your mum's weirdnesses, and more keen to set your limits. In a funny way, it's like doing your teenage rebellion, a little late? Healthy parents realise they have to support their children by letting them go. Now, you're beginning to fight but she won't "let go" - because she can't, or doesn't know how to.

I'm afraid it's more likely that she can't, due to issues of her own that no-one else could resolve for her. You might find it useful to read Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents". Also, have a look through the Stately Homes thread in this forum.

cross-posted with everybody!

yes IGA, i totally get the late teenage rebellion.
i feel like i am having to learn everything about myself again at the moment and trying to find out who i am. i am also trying to alter my response to her and not get so affected or wound up, but it is hard.

she still sees me as a child and not a mother in my own right. the other day she sked me how school was!! ( i think she meant work!) i dont know why she asks as she never listens to my answers and the changes the subject and it is back to talking about herself. argghh

I honestly think i could do a full days work, without any training, at my mum's work because she talks about it all the time.

and how popular she is at work aswell?! i know the feeling.

Are you my sister's secret daughters?? Or, indeed, mine?
hah, I just wrote [sock] That would be a useful emoticon - perhaps?

Sorry, OP. Got blindsided.

OP I know exactly what you mean.
I feel so sad for you, because I know what you are feeling.

I have 3 children and last year graduated from university with a double degree. I even won the university prize for one of my subjects.

But is she even slightly interested? No because "I should've done it right the first time."

She is still angry that I didn't go to university when I was a teenager.

That's just one example...I didn't know how much it bothered me until the mum of one of my friends congratulated me, and showed interest in my studies. I felt myself getting all teary and choked up due to her kindness.

I feel like I keep myself at a certain distance from her emotionally if you know what I mean...
It's a self protection thing.

Be proud of yourself. You ARE doing a great job, and any (normal) Mum would be proud to have a daughter like you.
The problem lies with her, not you.