I need some help to get thru this...

[worldcupbaby]

Hi Ladies I need some help to get thru a hard time in my marriage and some advice if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Some background... DH and I met 7 yrs ago, after 10 months I discovered he had been texting someone else, they had arranged a weekend away together and planned to sleep together than weekend but she cancelled. Then I found out and it ended and hes been faithful ever since. We married in 2006 and our DD was born in 2007. Im now pregnant with number 2 due in just over 10 weeks.

We are having a very very stressful time atm as we've had a sewage leak at home and our bathroom and kitchen are destroyed, our home is a health issue and we are living with my parents on a temp basis.

I picked up hubbies Iphone to use the internet on sat morning and when I clicked on his internet the last thing he'd viewed came up which was an adult site to find/advertise services.

I went back thru his history and looked at what he had searched. He had searched for an escort, within 25miles of our postocde, ages, and his preferences... inc going without protection.

OMG i was horrified. I bottled in up and exploided on monday morning... we had a row and I asked him to leave...

He begged to come talk to me for the sake of our children and so on monday night he did. He swears he wasnt looking to actually do anything but out of curiosity of what sort of woman/person would do it... after someone he knew had used to do it apparently.
He swears he has never visited one nor would he ever... he also swears he hasnt been unfaithful.

Do i believe him...? How do I learn to trust him again? Do u think its possible or am I making a mistake in forgiving him.

ATM with being at my parents we are putting on a happy face in public and carrying on as normal... inc the fact we have had sex. I am so confused I really dont know what to do...

Some straight talking advice would be really useful right now... Im so confused and dont know wat to do.

I love my husband soo much (hes the only man Ive ever slept with and we have been together since I was 16)

All advice appreciated xx

WorldCupBaby

I am just so sorry for the pain you are going through. I genuinely don't know what I'd do in your situation but my instincts as a non-involved, non-pregnant, not-in-love-with-him person are pretty negative I'm afraid. But only you can judge his behaviour really. My question would be 'do you think you can/want to spend an indefinate amount of your life being suspicious, doubting or paranoid about your husband?'

If I were able to I'd like to think I'd at least scare the shit out him by kicking him out at least in the short term in order to get some space and perspective. It would possibly be better if you could talk to someone who knows you and everything else you've got going on at the moment xxx

I am not sure why, but I think that your dh may just be telling the truth about just looking to see what sort of person advertises.

He may be seeing if it would be anyone he knows, just from a nosiness point of view. He may just see who would not take precautions just to see how 'dog rough' these people are.

All manner of reasons for him to be looking, but that does not mean he would or has acted. Was it only this time he has been doing it. Is it on a regular basis that he has been searching. Has he had an opportunity to actually go and meet.

Maybe he has just been nosing because perhaps you have been more tired and not so 'up for it' with the latter stages of pregnancy. Who knows, but I would urge caution before any major decision making.

Good luck.

I'm sorry you're going through this, living with your parents and being 30 weeks pregnant.

If you've been sure that for the last ten years, apart from that one time with the texting, that you've had no reason to doubt him, then it makes me think this is a one-off curiosity thing.

Just to make you feel better,DP and I only lately were looking at this together - not for kicks, or to actually use I might add! We were, as PruneJuice said looking for nosiness. Someone DP worked with had been talking about it and said he's seen someone we know online. We had a look and wondered at some of the other people who use it too!

Doesn't always have to be dodgy. But you know your husband, and I don't so hard to commment further.

Hope it all works out.

I think you can work through this personally.

I know people who've been through this sort of situation and with transparency by the partner and sharing of information such as internet history etc, over time trust has been restored.

May not hurt to have some marriage counseling if this is really bothering you though?

If the issue is deeper and he has a porn addiction (not uncommon) then it would be better if he was honest, so you can work through this together and find a middle ground on what's acceptable etc.

SO sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I just don't know OP.

Sounds very suspicious, and even if he isn't cheating it sounds as though he might have issues.

Be very careful - the part about him not using protection is very disturbing, because if it's true, it is putting you at risk.

Is that a risk you are prepared to take?

I think you are going to at the very least have counselling. Also I would be doing a lot more snooping to find out for sure.

So sad, when at this time when he should be taking good care of you, you are having to do deal with this.

Not sure about the brave face thing though OP. I realise you don't want everyone to know, but I'm concerned that if you don't vent and get some TLC you might crack under the pressure...

Take care of yourself. And be smart.

What is the matter with these men??? Just when they should be loving and supporting you the most......

I'm afraid I'm too cross to comment.

you are waaaay more trusting than I would have been - condensedmilkaddict said it too, he was looking at using a sex worker without protection, and then he had (presumably) unprotected sex with you who is pregnant?

I wouldn't have taken the chance that he was lying - if he has picked up an infection I would make damn sure there wasn't a hope in hell of it being passed on to me and potentially my baby too.

I agree with Condensedmilkaddict. Please go to your midwife and ask about std testing as soon as you can.

I think he's a bit of a loser, myself, and am also on your behalf. I don't like all those quick and reasonable explanations. Why would his mind wander to the extent of actually repeatedly looking things up, filling in preferences, ages and details that required him to give the matter some thought?

You're pregnant, you've got your hands full with your child and the house mess, you're putting up with adversity in your living conditions, and he's thinking of unprotected sex with some random skank? At best completely immature, and at worst criminally careless with your life and your baby's life and health.

"He swears he wasnt looking to actually do anything but out of curiosity of what sort of woman/person would do it... after someone he knew had used to do it apparently.
He swears he has never visited one nor would he ever... he also swears he hasnt been unfaithful. "

If you want straight talking I will tell you now, they ALL say that. My exh said it, an old friend of mine whose dh was caught at this said it and also a colleague I knew at work said it.

However even if he did not actually DO it but I would stake a million bucks that he was thinking about doing it and heading that way.

I went through something similar though it got much, much worse and we ended up splitting though there were a lot of other issues. You may have well caught him at the early stages and a big, sharp shock at this time might scare him into behaving himself. Though, really, do you want to spend the next 10 years worrying about what he is up to? He sounds rather untrustworthy to me.

Hope you can sort this out one way or another, what a really rubbish time for it to be happening. Believe me I really do know what you are going through.

I don't think this is innocent curiosity at all. When you found out about his previous assignation, did he use the same defence then i.e. "I would never have gone through with it!"?

Registering his preferences in the search suggests much more than idle curiosity about "what sort of woman would do this". I would have thought it was perfectly obvious, without having to look at a site and register one's preferences.

Really sorry you've got this on top of all your other life worries. It sounds as though you need a great deal more honesty than you're getting - and a long overdue conversation about his attitudes to fidelity.

For what its worth my XH used to have photos and contact detaiols of loads of women, mainly from ghana, phillipines, Russia etc and used to have PENPAL magazines delivered. Tosser. and a quick way to destroy trust. Tbh even if he is just being nosey and theres nothing else to it hes not showing you much respect is he?

Id have a word and let him now that on no account are you prepared to entertain any infidelity. Guys always assume that if you really love them youll be prepared to forgive them whatever. Bullshit. Let him know how you feel and bin him off if hes unfaithful. in the meantime get tested.