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Original poster

In love with my best friend?

27 replies

LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 01/04/2010 16:10

So background first. My best friend and I have been friends for about 8 years. About 4 years ago he said that he was in love with me but I did not feel the same. I buggered off to England. We have stayed friends but I avoided a lot of physical contact just in case.

Cue two days ago when I arrived home for a visit and he came to the airport. I saw him basically threw myself at him. Hugs galore. I had butterflies a washing maching and jumping frogs in my stomach. All I wanted to do was kiss him.

Last night I told him how I felt. How it had all changed etc. Told him how I was stupid not to realise the best thing I could ever want was in front of me the whole time.

He was shocked but not upset. He did not say no but did not yes to anything happening. I am only home for two weeks and head back to London soon but am planning on beng back in Oz for good in a few months.
We ended up snogging away for a few hours though and he wants to go out for dinner on the weekend.
So the big question (well there are two really) is, has anyone ever had a relationship with their best friend and has it worked?

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 01/04/2010 16:11

There is no such thing as "best friends" between a man and a woman. QED.

Original poster
LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 01/04/2010 16:15

Really? Why not. He is my closest friend and life would be devestating without him.
I have never had feeling for him before this week and it confused me a tad but when we were lying on the couch it just felt 'right' and that I should have been in the position years ago.

OP posts:
upahill · 01/04/2010 16:18

CoteDazur.

My best friend is the person I text everyday, Go out with a couple of times a week, go on holiday with a couple of times a year, talk about problems, support while they had some really bad news, was made up when everyhing was sorted, is on speed dial, ring up when I got locked out and set alarms off and DH was to far to get me, bake cakes for, call round if I fancy a brew on my way home from work, go to the pictures with etc etc

My best friend is male. He does not want to sleep with me EVER nor I him.

So why can't he be my friend? ( I am female by the way)

FabIsGettingThere · 01/04/2010 16:20

My DH is my best friend but we were only friends for a day before he kissed me and we have been together ever since.

I think you should relax and just see how things go.

Be straight about what you want - a fling/one night/long term forever relationship - and don't go changing plans or rushing into anything.

Is he single?

solo · 01/04/2010 16:21

I think men and women can be best friends. I have many male friends, though I'm not best friends with them, but I also know several people who have the opposite sex for a best friend. Don't know about falling in love with them, but I'm sure anything is possible.

OP, if he still feels the same, you should go for it IMO. Good luck!

CoteDAzur · 01/04/2010 16:22

You say you were "best friends" for 8 years, but he has been in love with you for at least a few of those years. Which means you thought you were friends but he was just hanging on, hoping for something more.

upahill · 01/04/2010 16:23

CoteDAzure... Why can't my friend be my best friend because he is male? I don't get it.

Original poster
LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 01/04/2010 16:27

No he moved on after a while but we are still friends. Some friendship can withstand many drams CDA. That was one.
He is not supermodel hot, he is shy and quiet and not the most experienced with women but something clicked the minute I walked into the arrivals dept.

OP posts:
LongDroopyBoobyLady · 01/04/2010 16:42

He wasn't my best friend but was a very good friend and has been in my life for 28 years - 21 of them we have been "together". I don't think the fact we were good friends for 7 years beforehand makes any difference to the relationship working. It works because we want it to work.

mrsboogie · 01/04/2010 17:26

err.. surely the problem is not whether or not friends can be lovers or opposite sexes can be friends but that you will soon be living on the OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET from him??

Conundrumish · 01/04/2010 19:09

Re-read MrsBoogie! She's not from England!

animula · 01/04/2010 19:18

Goodness - life's too short for all this angst. Give it a go - so long as he's in agreement.

And I guess I have form. I have often gone out with bfs. And even when it's fizzled out re. passion, we've been fantastic friends afterwards. And, yes, dh was a close friend (very close) before we became a "couple".

My v. v. bf and I had a fling, or two, and are still really close, 20 years on. He's godfather to the dc, and is fab. If you're good friends, you'll ride it all out, whether it's forever, or not.

dizzydixies · 01/04/2010 19:22

DH and I were best friends for 5 years before leaving uni and going our seperate ways, only then did we realise that we were meant to be together, married for 5yrs now, 3dc and another one on its way

I couldn't be happier frankly and as soon as we realised what was happening we moved to be in the same country as soon as we could and we've never looked back

good luck to you I say!

Snuppeline · 01/04/2010 19:22

I too think you could go for it, just make sure that both of you are open with each other about what you want out of it (fling, long term relationship). Given that you are best friends it would be sad to loose it over hurt feelings but if you are open with each other from the beginning there's no reason why you would fall out. Go for it!

cranbury · 01/04/2010 19:32

I went for it once - I quickly realised it wasn't going to work out. I lost my best friend, he refuses to talk to me 10 years on.

SugarMousePink · 01/04/2010 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 02/04/2010 00:15

Thanks everyone. We are not going to do anything until I have moved back here permanantly which will be in about 6 months. When he told me he loved me years ago we weathered that and still remained best friends. I know I would do anything for him and vice versa.
If we do decide to make it official then I do want to do the date thing. There is a big difference in lunch with your mate to dates with a man.
So far so good though. He is a good kisser .

OP posts:
solo · 03/04/2010 01:01

Good on you both! and good luck! do keep us up to date with your dates and friendship please...

alypaly · 03/04/2010 01:12

my ex is now my best friend....we talk every night even though we have been apart for 17 years

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 01:18

Well, give it a go at least. Daft not to. There aren't any guarantees, you might end up married, you might have one shag and one of you go off the whole idea - but it's worth a try by the sound of it.

Original poster
LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 07/04/2010 01:05

Well a quick update.
It started well. Then I found out how little experience he has with women: NONE! He is a bad kisser and I do not know how to teach someone how to do it really. And he has a really small penis. I know I know I am being shallow. Really shallow and bitchy. Everyone has to start somewhere but he is also acting very insecure and constantly asking me what I am thinking etc...
I know how some men feel now with the constant questioning.
Shit. Up a creek without a paddle for sure now!!

OP posts:
ravenAK · 07/04/2010 01:54

Hang on, he was a good kisser on Friday...

Look, just tell him you made a mistake, & you've been such good friends for soooo long that you got confused over feeling so close to him, but that you now realise that it's a non-starter.

If he's got any sense or self-respect at all, he'll no longer want anything to do with you, poor bloke.

Original poster
LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 08/04/2010 08:11

Hang on, I never said it was a non starter. We never discussed relationships really and I do not know how to go about teaching someone. He was a good kisser but for some reason started trying to lick my tonsils.
I do not know what changed but the first night we talked all evening and kissed (and a bit more) all night. The second night it all changed. He kept acting like we were in a relationship already, kept asking me what I was thinking ALL THE TIME, chucked the shits when I would not sleep wrapped up next to him (I was hot). It has only been 3 days and I am feeling smothered already. I love being with him but I am not sure whether his lack of experience or his constant questions is bothering me more.
I only wanted advice not a dressing down. If I wanted that I would go on AIBU.

OP posts:
ladylush · 08/04/2010 09:19

Have you got kids?

megonthemoon · 08/04/2010 09:37

I think you might both be getting freaked out about the change in your relationship (although a bit that a few hours ago it was all about how he was your best friend and you had butterflies in your tummy and now he is a bad kisser and has a small penis... That is very harsh!)

Anyway, this happened with my best friend at uni. We were just friends for about 18 months then I realised I fancied the pants off him and thought he felt the same. About 6 months later, after ignoring the elephant in the corner of the room all that time, we got drunk and finally snogged. We then had a weird month where it was uni holidays so we weren't together much, and then when we got back together at uni it was weird weird weird for about another month. All a bit uncertain as to what we wanted, and feeling smothered and not really sure if we fancied each other, but then inseparable at other times. Sounds exactly like where you are now We gave it time, got over it, went out for a really great 9 months. He then headed off to the other side of the world to study (this had been sorted before we got together) but we visited and stayed together for another 9 months. But then I got the opp to work abroad too and we decided to split as it was just too hard managing long distance.

We had an awkward 6 months but then were back to being very good friends, and gradually became best friends again. About 3 years later we just realised that there was still more there. We talked, and agreed that we wanted to marry each other! So we decided we should probably start going out with each other (talk about doing it backwards!). We moved in within 3 months and have been back together 8 years now (married for 3) and have a 2yo DS with another DC on the way.

So it can work out brilliantly, but you will probably have some very weird moments on the way as you negotiate the change in your relationship. You'll feel indifferent one day, clingy another, and wondering what the hell you have done. You just both need to relax and accept that the next couple of weeks will be weird, especially with you heading back to the UK soon. Just take your time - there really is no rush (DH and I finally got married 9 years after our first kiss!)

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