Hi.
I've only just joined Mumsnet and couldn't decide which thread to post on first - swinging couples, I read my dh's diary, or this one - all felt strangely close to my heart.
Anyways, I've been fighting this particular battle for 14 years now and things have changed gradually over that time and more recently, we had a dramatic breakthrough. We have had so many rows about this (exactly the same rows every time).
What changed was that I changed the way I talked about it.
I got less angry, more matter of fact, but the subtext was more stark. I didn't flinch from telling him exactly how I felt, but maintaining an air of calm and control.
And said that I would be organising leaving him as of the next day, because I would never be happy living as we were living and I didn't want to wake up, ten years down the line and feel that I had spent so much of my life being taken advantage of.
We ended up having a real conversation about this for the first time ever and ever since he has been sharing domestic duties. At this point, once I'd got his attention, I had to be careful not to just attack, but to be seen to listen to him too and to ask him about how he felt we could organise stuff so that he could move into the equation most easily. He's really shit at doing the jobs and he does need to be told to do stuff still (although he does do some things without being told). I have outlawed the word "nag". If I have to remind him to do stuff, that's because he has failed to do it - I will not be made to feel guilty about this. And I certainly won't accept being characterised as an ugly person who wants to bring stress into the lives of others.
This might sound great, but it does have drawbacks. It took him ages to recover from the shock of me threatening to leave (a threat which was made seriously and he knew it). In fact we are still dealing with the fallout. A normally fantastically faithful man, he kneejerked into trying to make me jealous by flirting with other women (something which he has done in the past, only when I have hurt his feelings - usually by having a go at him about something unsex-related.)
So, we've ended up opening up loads of cans of worms and having all sorts of hideous discussions, but we finally seem to be on a home straight. We like each other again and we're finding more fun in life, in spite of having 3 children!
Personally, I don't think the going on strike thing will work - mainly because you're more likely to find it awful than he is. Also, he will probably just see it as an attack (obviously a perfectly justifiable one, but you don't want to be justified, you want to change things, right?)
I'm not sure if it's necessary to go as far as I did - I think I might have changed things by talking in a different, calmer, but more serious way about the issue without the threat of leaving.
Another thing that I would add is that it really helps to try to avoid letting loads of other issues creep into these discussions. You're much more likely to get a result if you just concentrate on one issue and if you try to find areas where you can be seen to concede something. If you make him feel really attacked, he will probably just go into defensive mode. He won't want to confront a picture of himself that is incredibly damning, so will probably avoid thinking about the issue and just start defending himself.
Just my opinion, obviously, and based on my own husband who may not be typical.
Best of luck, whatever you do. It's shit to drudge away for someone and find you have no space left to have fun, whilst you watch him pleasing himself pretty much all the time.