Can this relationship survive in France? sorry this has turned out long!

[Dirtyyurty]

Hi, wise words of wisdom and honesty requested!!!

I've just written a really long post about how terrible my relationship with my DP is. When I read it I thought whats the point in posting it? I already know what poeple would say if they read it- so I deleted it!!!!The synopsis of my relationship with DP sounds terrible and I guess on the whole it isn't great, but the day-to-day living with DP has been manageable.

What I really want to know it whether there are an mumsnetters out there who live, or have lived in another country and how stressful was/has this been on your relationship?

DP's dream has been to live in France whilst I've been more ambivelant and realistic about the difficulties, especially as neither of us speak french. I've started French lessons and have opened up a french bank account and have been the one to research into the hows of living in france. I'm also the one who has recently received an inheritance which is big enough to use towards any property either here or in france.

So....we've found a propery in france which is everything we would want and we could afford to buy the land (no house on the property) outright with my money and we'd hope to get a mortgage afterwards for the house. We've put in a verbal offer with the owner however I have concerns about how our relationship will fair, especially as its been pretty bumpy this last year since DD was born. If things went terribly wrong I wouldn't be able to live in France on my own- not that I would want to anyway- and I would be afraid of losing all of my inheritance.

I feel that if I expressed my concerns to DP now it would really irrevocably hurt our relationship and I know I shouldn't be feeling this way

Anyone got any advice?

I came to France at the fag end of a terrible marriage. Divorced a year later and now married to a lovely Frenchman.............;

No, this relationship will not survive this. I've lived and worked abroad since 94 - been around the block a few times and had "total immersion" in 4 new languages (plus French I learned at school).

If I were you... and allow me to dream for a moment, I'd buy a chunk of land in northern BC or Nova Scotia. Buying from an English person in France? meep! Doncha read what's going on in the world? He/she will be desperate to sell - they'll have bought at inflated prices (the french certainly saw the brits coming) and he'll be rubbing his hands with glee at the thought of you two rolling up!

As for jobs, lack of language & getting the house built? Not on your nelly!

I'd second what people are saying about renting first. A couple of years ago we moved from a big city in the UK to another part of the UK but in the countryside. It's something we'd dreamed about for years, the opportunity to move came up and we grabbed it.

The difference down here is huge. Getting used to driving miles for small things, getting a new social circle going, settling the children, not having relatives on the doorstep etc. We have a strong relationship, but we have questioned things at times.

So, this was a move to another part of the UK not the huge change you're thinking of with the language issues on top.

Rent for a bit and see if it's for you. If it's not then it will be easier to come back and you can buy here. If everything turns out fantastically then you can look to buy where you are. Either way you've lost nothing.

Also, getting mortgages for houses that are not built is another minefield - where are you going to live while it's being built?

Dirty

It was a childhood dream to live in France - I moved there for a year on a student exchange - I could speak French, had enough money and I lived in a nice town near Paris.

I loathed it - the bureacracy, rudeness, poor driving standards (yes you have to look in your mirror if you are about to go through a traffic light going Amber/Red - as at least 3 cars behind you will want to accelerate through), petty crime and sexism (lads on mopeds pinching your bags or your bum if you're on a bicycle).

Factor in a relationship, frittering away your inheritance, building a house, and trying to fufil someone else's dream and it sounds like a disaster.

anyway, have told DP that i have doubts about moving to France an the basis that our relationship is too fragile.....it ended poorly with him blaming me as the sole source of our relationship problems Maybe i should start a new thread for emotional abuse cause this is what it feels like sometimes. And i know compltetly that living in France would only make things ten times worse.

Yurty, if you start a new thread there'll be support for you on it. From what you've let drop so far, I'm not surprised you're talking emotional abuse.

And I'mso glad you're sensible and strong enough to recognise it before things get too far. Well done you.

dirty You could put the "responsibility" back on his lap for a while and tell him you'll consider it, if he can arrange a mortgage to build a house in a foreign country in which neither of you work or speak the language... Might stall him a while!

thank you so much tortoise....actually i think if i 'let go' and actually begin talking bout our relationship someone will want to shake me. and i dont feel strong and sensible, just cowardly and full of self doubt

Tell him to move to France on his own to "test the water". Then don't join him. Simple.

Arse - thats a great idea!!

Agree with everyone...

but factor in whether the plot of land actually has planning permission. Am no expert on this, but we have a french house and in order to put in a window (looks onto a car park and lots of other windows from other houses already overlook it) we have to get permision from lots of people....you will need to see a Notaire and get in with the Mairie if you are to get to the bottom of this.

Building a house and communicating with French builders when you don't speak French doesn't bare thinking about. My French is good - but it is a whole different language on every level.

Good luck - you need it!

DW and I live in Spain. We moved here for no other reason other than I had a 'gut feeling' I wanted to move to Spain. I was very honest about this with DW telling her when we'd only been together for 3 months that I wanted to move to Spain within the next 2 years. Neither of us spoke Spanish or had even been to Spain at that point. We visited Spain a couple of times together, loved in and moved here in Jan 2009. We started lessons when we got here and now can communicate pretty accurately in Spanish. We're very happy and now have a DD (9 weeks) who was born here.

On the other hand my wife's M and StepD, moved to France 15 years ago in what my wife describes as a last ditch attempt to save their marriage. they both still live in France (in villages 10 minutes apart) but are divorced and are with other people. They are very fond of France however, if not of each other.

Everyone is different but I imagine what matters is how strong your relationship is, not where you have the relationship.

It could go either way.
Some couples stick closer in a unfamliar environement.
Do try and rent first though.

Yurty, do start your own thread and 'let go' if you need to, we won't shake you You sound very unhappy actually, but just as though your unhappiness is bubbling under the surface and you are afraid to let it out because you won't be able to put it away again and pretend its not there. But how you feel matters, and as you are on the bestest forum ever with some wonderful support, you ought to use it and lean on us a bit.

And please don't use your money on his dream: it might be his gut feeling to do so, but I'm betting its not yours is it? Your gut is probably screaming out 'DON'T DO IT!' like most of us on here.
If you ever want to chat, feel free to CAT me. I am in/have recently been in a very similar situation. Suffice to say, I'm not going to France.

Dirty - do start a thread about your relationship. He is expecting you to bankroll this. Get to the bottom of the other stuff first, THEN think about where you should live.

I have lived in France and am married to a Frenchman but live in England. The French are not known for their friendliness to foreigners. They have a knack for tactlessness and always think they know best (sorry to offend but I have a French mother-in-law so trust me, I know what I am talking about!!) I would strongly advise speaking good to fluent French before going to live there - French bureaucracy even confuses the French, so every administrative task is fraught with frustration....

Why don't you go and rent for the summer to see if you like it, if you don't, come back!!

Good luck

Dirty, if you have told him the truth, that you are concerned about your future together and he has reacted badly, it has validated everything you have said to him.

WHY on earth should you sink the only money you have in the world in someone elses dream, someone who isn't married to you, doesn't sound likely that he ever will, nor will you marry him.

Put the money in a safe place. Is it enough to buy something interesting in canada, to rent out to safeguard it and earn you some pennies?

If he has his own business let HIM raise the cash for HIS dreams.

If you give him this money and it all goes tits up, you'll likely never see that cash again...

Better to find out now, end the relationship than lose everything you have and be lost in a foreign speaking land away from everyone you know...

Don't do it.

Such move can put an incredible amount of stress in a helathy relationship, and totally destroy one that is not in perfect shape.

The key issue is what are you going to be doing there, the house, school and suroundings are the least of your problem (my only advice would be not to go picturesque small very authentic little villages/towns, as they are not very open to foreigners moving in, and they won't loose oportunity to make you aware about their feelings. So go and choose a place where the neighbours have a good level of education, have traveled around so they could respect your differences, and failing so, move to a place with a big expat community).

But as I said the problem is getting a job, and if you don't speak French you may find the experience very frustrating, stressfull and above all, isolating.

Don't even think about it if neither of you speaks French. We lived in France for many years and are temporarily back in the UK. Dh (a fluent French speaker) was just recalling how we could easily spend an hour a day on admin in France. It is the most unbelievably bureaucratic country - even if you were just renting. The level of bureaucracy involved in building your own house is unimaginable. I love France and we still have a property in Paris, but I wouldn't pretend for a moment that it is an easy country to live in. Easily accessible from Britain yes, but very far removed from us in almost every other way. As for investing your inheritance in some depopulated backwater - please do some research. France in not Britain - just because something is going for a song doesn't mean there is money to be made. Just have a look at how much mortgage lenders will lend you for a start. Non, non, non!

Just noticed that you are buying land, instead of a property. Bear in mind that if you are buying in an agricultural area you may not get building permission at all. And if you start building in protected land, as many naive people do, they will come and ask you to take everything down and fine you, and then you will find yourself the owner of a fantastic piece of land that nobody can build on. (You may need to own many many acres before you are allowed to build a domestic property in such land.

Having said that, the above is not restricted to France, is the same in this country, some areas are restricted to buyers who will work the land, although I have heard of very rich people insisting in getting the place, getting a herd of 200 cows to be allowed planning permission, just for the cows to disappear the day after it was granted

Yurty. What Cheerful Vicky said

How about doing your issues one at a time? If you want to do the 'relationship' one in France, rent a place and do it from there ... added bonus: you'll be better informed on issue#2.

MrIC, your story is lovely! And very unusual. I imagine you had a healthy enough backup fund, to allow sufficient time to adjust & firm up your decision? Spending your only pot of money on soome land with no house - and with minimal knowledge of language, laws and lifestyles - is a different kettle of poissons, especially when the relationship is already unstable.

I'm not being all "British" here; I move at the drop of a hat, and relish learning other languages/cultures. Still, I find it challenging and I've had a lot of practice. Yurty's partner hasn't even started learning French yet, and knows nothing beyond what he's enjoyed on holiday ...

Hands up who has the scars to prove that a holiday is no indication of life in that country????

[Sticks both hands up and a foot]