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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want to separate, DH doesn't

16 replies

RunningOutOfNames · 31/03/2010 13:51

Have posted many times but a brief recap.

Married over 20 years, I've been very unhappy for the past 5. DH drinks too much (but has been trying not to recently in spite of not admitting that he does), spends too much (we're heavily in debt), excludes me from his life and generally appears to not give a damn about me or DDs. We spend most evenings sitting in different rooms and he goes out alone several times a week. No sex for 3 years, I'm not interested, probably because I resent him so much and suspect he's going elsewhere (several months of texts from another woman last summer - he claims she's a friend. I have to take full responsibility for finances, family, home etc and I want out once eldest finishes GCSEs this summer.

After the "defining moment" threads recently, I finally summoned up courage to say I thought we should separate for all the above reasons. He did his usual trick of trying to act as if I hadn't spoken then claimed that everyone lives like this. Refused to discuss, walked out of the room then hasn't mentioned it since.

I am starting to bore myself because escaping is all I ever think about. He's not a bad man but he lives as if he is single, and always has done. This is his second marriage.

We both work full-time and I could cope financially if he paid half the mortgage plus maintenance for the kids and he would be able to afford a rental property. I'd sell up if he preferred.

I suppose my question is, what do I do when he won't accept that we've reached the end of the line? We've always been bad at communicating - he just gets up and walks out of the room or even the house rather than discuss anything.

Please help, I want my life back. Eldest DD is fairly scathing about him because of his lack of involvement in our life, youngest will be very upset, she's a more sensitive soul.

OP posts:
Plumm · 31/03/2010 13:58

I don't have any experience of this but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Surely you can just leave. You said you're happy to sell up so get yourself a rental place and get on with your life.

It sounds like a horrible way to live.

RunningOutOfNames · 31/03/2010 13:59

It is a horrible way to life, I feel like his housekeeper.

Don't want to disrupt DDs more than necessary so would rather stay in the house till we sell.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 31/03/2010 14:04

Don't leave. Issue a divorce petition based on his unreasonable behaviour.

Ime (I'm a divorce lawyer), the other party generally wakes up and takes things seriously when they receive the petition and even if he does carry on with the ostrich impression you can go ahead and divorce him anyway.

Start collating all financial documentation now. If his stuff is lying around you can copy it but you're not allowed, eg, to open his bank statements or to break into a locked filing cabinet or briefcase.

Get the house valued by 3 estate agents and get an appointment with a divorce lawyer. You can find a local family specialist on www.resolution.org.uk.

Undertone · 31/03/2010 14:06

Maybe if you wrote him a letter or email it would help? He can't 'walk out' from a letter... but then again he may refuse to read it.

But you don't need his permission in order to take control of your life. If it truly is hopeless, then just start acting as if he's already made his decision to separate. Easier said than done

TestPleaseDelete · 31/03/2010 14:11

Message deleted

RunningOutOfNames · 31/03/2010 14:14

I have a letter in my bag - I keep rewriting it (and have been for some time). My sister says I should just state what I want to do rather than why I think it's gone wrong/what he's done, so that he doesn't get bogged down in the detail and start allocating blame. I think she's right, I just keep chickening out of giving it to him - it seems a callous way of ending such a long marriage.

OP posts:
RunningOutOfNames · 31/03/2010 14:16

Test - for the sake of our DDs. I'm not talking long term, just as long as it takes to sell in this market.

Mumblechum - thanks. I've already started collating the financial stuff. He's never opened a bank statement or paid a bill in his life!

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 31/03/2010 14:18

Cripes, that's rubbish Congratulations on having your 'defining moment' - even if it was a whole string of 'nearly-defining' moments!
It's not as if you haven't tried - even to the extent of making excuses for him and turning the full pair of blind eyes.

I'm not a divorce lawyer but my suggestions were going to be exactly the same as mumblechum's above. Go for it; I promise you'll feel better once you've actually started doing something about it.

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with all this. And happy you're about to get back in charge of your own life, and your kids'. Good luck.

RunningOutOfNames · 31/03/2010 14:23

Thanks Grace.

Test, I should add, I'm assuming we'd split the equity too.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 31/03/2010 15:03

You shouldn't be splitting the equity equally if you still have dependent under 18s at home and if you earn less than him, btw.

determined2 · 31/03/2010 15:10

Hi I'm going through something similar. My relationship with my husband of 26 yrs is crap. Well i think so anyhow, he wants to keep trying! He has done so much to me over the years and I can't get them out of my head. Such as: Finding a bag of womens underwear under a draw in the caravan, having cctv camera's installed around the house, communicating with his ex for the last 26 yrs. Never holding down a job for longer than 4 yrs, being a lazy arse round the house, mr angry etc etc.
I've been away to see an old friend and come back home feeling totally down. I felt so good whilst away, although spent most of it bitching about him, but now feel so crap.
Told him that I wasn't happy and he said he we go again, if you want to do something about it then best you leave. Unlike you I have no money!

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2010 16:00

DOn't bother with trying to apportion blame, it's pointless. COncentrate on getting rid of him/away from him. GOod luck. It will feel much better when he's gone.

mamas12 · 31/03/2010 18:10

There's another thread about about never getting the answer either.
you will have to face it if he doesn't agree there still isn't anything he can do about it.
Just do it and look forward.

Karmann · 31/03/2010 18:32

You've made your mind up, there's no going back from that so I would say do it. I think you will feel a massive weight being lifted - it's what you really want. All the best to you.

RunningOutOfNames · 31/03/2010 20:26

Thanks all, you're right, I have made up my mind.

Determined - think I've just realised where my husband goes when he disappears? Rather a lot of similarities there. Best of luck to you.

Mamas - I've accepted already that I'm never going to get answers to all my suspicions, but I'm intrigued as to why we're not enough for him.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2010 22:38

Running: Well, you don't like him very much, so maybe you were always basically incompatible? Really, never mind the 'why', just concentrate on getting rid. Best of luck.

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