It's holiday season - the toxics and NPDs are out again

[KoalaSar]

I'm sure I'm not the only one with toxic/NPD people in my life who emerge during holiday seasons....

Christmas, Easter, birthdays.

Just unwrapped a parcel for my children from one particularly toxic relative. The rest of the year I can pretend she doesn't exist but these occasions give her an excuse to be in contact - creeps me out.

Anyone else?

Yep, yep and yep.

Right there with you.

Not much I can say. Would 'I feel your pain' be too much of a cliche?

no, it wouldn't

thank you, thank you and thank you!

Makes my stomach turn - she sends gifts to the children but no longer acknowledges me.

She works in the NHS and I noticed the NHS paid the postage (£2.70) - she has always posted leters and parcels in the post room to avoid paying for them herself (just like she pulls people's notes from medical records to read up on her neighbours and relatives).

For a moment I considered keeping the brown packaging and shopping her - it has our address, her address as sender and a blatant NHS Trust frank marked £2.70.

But that would make me as bad as her....

Just keep it somewhere safe for the future, in case you feel the urge to use it.

Koalasar,

What does your H think about this toxic rellie sending your children a present?.

Have you considered returning the present to her?. I only ask as such gifts are never without unwritten conditions attached to them. Another option is to give said gift to a charity shop.

yeah I know - we've discussed it and the options seem to be

(a) send back - which I think is a bit spiteful and something she'd do (and has done)

(b) charity shop

(c) give to the kids

I've asked on MN before (for opinions) and had lots of replies saying it's wrong of me to deny the children gifts that are rightfully theirs (prob from people who don't know how toxic/NPD types operate).

My strategy so far has been to intercept the parcels, throw away cards and put the presents into the wardrobes/toyboxes wihtout explantion.

H doesn't know what's the best thing. Have considered directly asking her to leave us alone but this is plaing into her hands because she'll turn round one day and say "I did everything right"..

She's poison

I put anything from my "mother" in the bin. And I don't feel no way about it. ( as the young uns say)

Simples.

To be honest I think she needs reporting for looking at confidential information. This is a gross abuse of her position in the nhs.

I agree with GeekOfTheWeek (such a great name). Dog her in to the NHS, it is gross misconduct and completely unethical.

As to presents, charity shop is the only way to go. How can a child be 'deprived' of a present it doesn't even know about?

I know, Geek.

I have deliberately given birth to my children in other hospitals because she works in the hospital in my home town.

Worries me all this stuff about computerised records. I have nothing to hide but it's not the point.

I phoned the NHS helpline number they supplied with the paperwork about the computerisation. Basically, nobody could tell me she wouldn't be able to gain access to my records. I don't think they really understood what I was getting at - just kept telling me that staff in the NHS are well aware that they must only access information that is relevant to their work.

They said I could contact them at any point in the future if I had reason to believe my records had been inappropriately accessed. As I tried to explain to them, there's no way of knowing at what point she would access them - not like my burglar alarm would start ringing, is it?!

I've decided to opt out of having my records on computer.

Queen, I have no proof. I know because she used to tell me about it - for example, she pulled the records of my cousin to find out why she'd been to see her GP.

She also pulled my father's records (she separated from him when I was born) under the auspices (sp?) of finding out my background medical history - said she did it on my behalf but I never asked her to.

There would be no record of her having done this - she would just go to the records office and ask for the files.

Computerisation leaves a trail, at least.

I don't agree you are denying your children anything,
my mother sends cards to my dcs with my dads name on them my dh just throws them out,

at christmas she said this is from me and grandad and I said NO IT IS JUST FROM YOU

so for dds birthday she finally got the hint and just had her name on the card

It is my wedding anniversary tomorrow and our card came today and she had just signed her name, tbh I'd rather she hadn't bothered with a card at all,
I don't want his name on a card but I hate seeing cards to me from just her iyswim, actually I don't even know what I mean

I sort of understand you - if that helps!

koala, I think it just reminds of how sad the situation is,
and mn reminds that I'm not the only one who dosen't speak/see a parent
and that its nothing to feel bad about

TBH, Plum, I'm not sure what I'd have done without MN.

I only know one other person in RL who doesn't see their family - his parents basically cut him off and he has no real idea why.

It is VERY hard. Because of the way she operates, I have lost everyone; cousins, sister, uncles, aunties. She tells them the most outrageous lies and they are, sadly, not bright enough to wonder whether she's telling the truth. She conducts a pretty good hate campaign!

You should report her doing that with the medical records to the Caldicott Guardian at the NHS Trust where she works. Even without full computerisation of clinical info, all hospitals have computerised tracking systems for medical records (case notes) as part of their PAS. Has been this way for many many years.

The case note tracking system should show who requested the case notes, when, how long they had them. Don't know what job this woman does, but if the patient wasn't at clinic where she works or an inpatient in her ward she would need to explain what she was doing with the notes. She could lie and say I needed them for research or whatever. But at least they would be onto her.

Unless she actually works in Medical Records Department and reads them there, in which case the notes wouldn't be tracked in and out to her IYSWIM.

I would be going back about 5 years - you think that would have been computerised?

No, the patient had nothing to do with her clinic and she doesn't do research (well, only on other people!).

Hmm.

Should do. Unless the hospital has changed it Patient Administration System in that time and they might not have migrated all of the data in the Case Note Tracking over to the new system. But otherwise it should still be there.

She would have to be pretty stupid to get notes pulled to snoop. She would have to have a good excuse. It is a sackable offence.

Hospitals have had computerised case note tracking systems as long as I can remember - 20 years plus. I am an old bird

Koalasar sorry lost internet last night think it was the bad weather

Anyway yes it is really hard,
I haven't lost contact with my dads family but they do make me feel bad, sometimes I do think it would be easier to stay away from the whole lot of them

Its all "You know what hes like, just let him see the dcs"

Nobody seems to understand that he shouldn't be giving off about not seeing his grandchildren, he should be giving off about not seeing me!!
But he hasn't tried so he can't complain, just that I'm the cruelist person in the world for not letting my children see their grandfather

And my mums side all feel sorry for her because she doseb't see my dcs as much (because her husband won't let her) and they think I should just sweep everything under the carpet, except one of my aunties who says she completely understand and dosen't know why my mum lets him away with half of it.

And your right I have no friends who don't speak to their parents, my bestfriend I hate confiding in her as her dad is dead and I feel guilty because she would love him to be here, so mn is brill that way

I totally agree with: keep the present and put it somewhere to give later. From you.

You have earned a handout through her behaviour so no need to feel guilty or deceiving.

Chuck the card.

Don't acknowledge.

Let them feel superior.

What they feel doesn't matter. What you, H/dp and your DC does.

That's what I do.

((hope it's a nice preseey - is it a chocolately thing? Share it with dc right now. This afternoon.)

I know what you're talking about Son's birthday this Friday and exN is rubbing his hands with all the fun he will have messing the day. He is not invited but somehow, somewhere, he will show his face. There are such fuckin losers...they never PISS OFF!

I heard from my son today that daddy has been promising some parents a lift. What the hell? he doesn't even know my full plans, it's not a joint venture, arranged and paid all by me. Dreading it tbh.

meant to say they're..opps