Really need advice on what to do next

[jumpingjen]

Have namchanged as not sure if DH knows my normal username.

DH is a calm, quiet man unless he gets very angry, defensive which is very rare. When he does this angry he loses control and nearly always uses threatening behaviour, he describes as a red mist and is always sorry afterwards. I won't let him threaten me or try to intimidate me so when this does happen I try to leave the house.

Last year he blew up, He threw me on the floor and put his hands around my neck. I managed to get up telling me our then 1 yr old ds was watching. Once he let go I tried to leave and he pushed up against the wall so I was trapped, I scratched his face so he moved and I ran out of the front door.I know once I leave and he calms down he will be ok and I know he will never harm ds. After I left he was still raging mad I had gone and he then phoned the police who arrested me for assulting him, I wasn't charged as police could see his wounds were self defence.

It happened again yesterday and this time when he wouldn't let me leave I bit his arm to get him off me and ran out of the door. He was really sorry the next day and has phoned the police to retract his statement.

The thing is I know this cannot continue but he is threatening me, saying if I leave then he will say I am using domestic violence against him and try to prove I am an unstable mother so he can get full custody of ds.

I am 8 weeks pregnant, I have no family I can go and stay with. My dad has passed away and my mum lives in sheltered accomodation. My friends are all 'our' friends.

I am scared that if I leave I wil lose my son as its me that has been arrested twice and I have never reported his behaviour.

PLease help

Sorry for the really bad grammer, I am shaking as I type.

Womens Aid

Call them now. Are you still in the house with him?

He is a violent man, it doesn't matter if it happens once a day, once a week, once a month or once a year. Get out.

Don't worry about his threats WRT your DS, that's all they are...threats

yes,womens aid wil, help you

abusers often do try to turn it around to look different.

would you leave him if possible?

I want to leave but cannot lose ds.

When the police came to the house after seeing the scratch wound on his face the first time the policeman, before even hearing my side of the story, told dh I was obv.unstable and this seems to have given dh the idea that he can custody of ds.

Call Women's Aid.

Did your H tell you that the Policeman had said that about you? Because it smells like pure bullshit to me.

It is highly unlikely that you will "lose" your DS. But if you stay with this man, then you are doing a disservice to him, and to your unborn baby. Please call Women's Aid. Please.

They can help you.

dh did tell me that WhoIsAsking.

I can't leave if there is a chance I will lose ds

jumpingjen, honestly, you're not the first person in this position. It is completely standard for abusive men to blame their victims and to use threats of custody as a means of control. Women's Aid (and the police!) will have seen this thousands of times. You are not going to lose your children.

Putting his hands around your neck puts him in the most serious category of abusers, even if it only happens rarely. All it needs is for him to squeeze too tightly, and your dcs don't have a mother any more.

You have to go. I echo all the others in recommending Women's Aid. You owe it to your dcs.

He is lying to you jumpingjen. He is lying to frighten you into staying. He is lying because he is a dangerous, violent person.

Your DS has already seen him being violent to you once. Don't let him see it a second time. Just don't. Who's to say he won't start hurting your children? He says it is a "red mist" which is just bollocks-speak for not being able to control himself, which is also just BOLLOCKS, but let's say that he is suffering from "red mist disease". What if the mist descends and you're not there and he puts his hands around your child's throat?

Get out. You deserve better than this.

I know it's scary. PLEASE call Women's Aid.

YY if the 'red mist' is real, he is a danger to your kids.

And really, does he ever try to throttle anyone other than you? Anyone his own size? No, I thought not. So the 'red mist' is just ever directed at you.

Women's Aid.

Not sure I have done this properly but this thread may offer you some help or reassurance.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relati onship-but-reluctant

Yes, telling you that the police say you are obviously unstable is a classic line. He is lying. You have never been charged with anything, you have no criminal record, and if the police could see you acted in self defense that will be noted on any file that exists.

Please call Women's Aid, they will be able to help. They're great.

DO call women's aid they are lovely. You can leave him with your son and women's aid will support you every step of the way. I feel for you so much in this situation but I want you to know you can change things so that you and your dcs have a happy life. His violence is serious regardless of how often it happens, you are in danger and it is also damaging to your DS to be living in this enviornment.

i think silver meant you and your son can leave him - please please do not leave your son with him.

he is a dangerous man. there are police records to show he lied the first time...

please calll womens aid. you need to get out - he is dangerous. it is NOT your fault. you cannot risk being around him for the "next time".

he will try and plead and beg you back - dont. this is just tactics. the longer you stay away and he realises it is over the more he will resort to threats and violence again, so you need to ebe somwhere safe. dont meet him on your own again.

also speak to polcie domestic violence unit.

there will be a record - "I wasn't charged as police could see his wounds were self defence"

no one will take your dcs away - not if you leave him.

but if you stay with him and children witness violence - or they suffer it . then there will be questions asked...

Yes thanks cestlavielife, you have read my post correctly, glad you did as I can see that it could read either way.

Your son belongs with you his mum in a calm happy household where he doesn't see his dad throttling his mum.

Women's Aid, and police domestic violence unit are great sources of support and if yo can just pick up the phone and call them I know you will end up crying with relief because they will be understanding, sympathetic, and supportive.