I found out my Husband has a Porn obsession

[cantbelieveimsayingthis]

Firstly, please let me say that I am not against porn, but that what has come to light over the past few days has made me feel quite different about my Husband. Please tell me if you think I am being silly, over-reacting etc. as I really don't know what I am doing. This is quite long....

I am currently 6 months pregnant with my second child,run down, tired, stressed and generally miserable and so I think this has hit me hard.
I know that my Husband likes porn, that isn't the issue.

Google has this sign in feature where you can track your google searches, follow history etc. My Husband has set this up, he uses it quite a lot with work and I wanted to use it to find a site I had looked at and could not find again. Scrolling through the history, which is only a few weeks old, I began to come across some strange searches, which when I clicked on, turned out to be porn. The searches are provided with time and date and so I know he has been accessing these at work. When I asked him about it, he outright denied it, and this is probably what is bothering me most, that he lied, at least a couple of times before admitting that he regularly looks at porn at work. I am also hugely concerned and massively annoyed that he has risked his job doing so, and therefore our home. He has since admitted that this is something he has done throughout his education and work life to "unwind". However, this morning he has also said that basically, sometimes all he can think about is sex and it interrupts his work and this is the way he deals with it. Since falling pregnant this time, we have had very little sex or any kind of intimacy and so I think I could understand if this was something that was relatively new, but apparently we are talking 10 years or so.

So my questions are?

1. Am I completely mad to be unnerved by this?
2. Why am I so upset?
3. Do you think this is an addiction?

4.What do I do?

I feel stupid for saying this, but I really don't know if I feel the same way about my Husband now.

All advice/insight is greatly received.

TIA

1. Am I completely mad to be unnerved by this?

No of course not - especially as you are pg/hormonal. But just because you are upset by it doesn't mean that you need to condemn the behaviour... possibly.

1. Why am I so upset?

Because you feel as though he has been unfaithful by taking pleasure in other women's bodies - especially as they are in a situation that you wouldn't consider.

1. Do you think this is an addiction?

Possibly... but he's been doing it at work because he daren't do it at home. Agree that this is totally ridiculous - it's a sackable offence whatever the job

4.What do I do?

You talk about it. You try to understand his need. You reach a compromise - he can access porn at home after the kids are asleep provided he deletes history so no chance of them accessing it accidentally.

I would suggest you get him help with his sexually compulsive behaviour, he needs some therapy to find more healthy, less destructive ways of "unwinding".

I have no issues with porn in general, but recognise that like any behaviour, when watching porn becomes extreme and dangerous then the behaviour needs to change. This is what your OH needs to change.

You are not completely mad to be unnerved and upset by this. That is the natural reaction. What is completely mad is being "ok with porn". There is no "healthy" way of using pornography.

I would try to make your husband see this - probably the reason he "can't stop thinking about sex" is because he's been using pornography for the last decade. And it's obviously affecting your relationship as you're actually having sex less. That's why porn is so bad - it steals people away from real sexual encounters and leads them to want more and more fake ones. Maybe ask him how he'd feel if you went to a male strip club every week or looked at pictures of naked men. But definitely tell him you're not ok with it and will do all you can to restrict and monitor it in your home.

This is uncannily similar to my dp.

What can I say to you? Mine had hidden his porn obsession for a long time; seperate security-access work laptop, seperate log-on for home computer, when working at home had/has his laptop turned so screen can't be seen....he too lied continually about watching porn, watched it on his work laptop, continued to view it despite my explaining why I objected (made me feel unloved, inadequate, destroyed my self-esteem etc etc). He either failed to understand or chose not too, believing he could hide it from me (more computer literate than I was - note the past tense), and lied extensively and elaborately over a long period of time. There had been several episodes of discovery over the years, at each event he was remorseful and so sorry to have hurt me... only for me to find again that over time he had resumed.

To cut a long story short, the final straw was broken when I caught hime watching porn whilst the children were in the same room with him doing their homework (hit the history button before he could clear it). Tears, anguish drama, threw him out, he attended extensive counselling and I let him back.

Now? I don't trust him. I wish I'd never opened the door to let him in again. I don't love him. I suspect him every single time he logs on to his work laptop. I feel I have become a shrivelled bitter shrew. Our marriage is a sham, and I will end it once son leaves next year.

I'm sorry, this may not be what you want to hear. Mine too said porn was a release - a means to de-stress. You feel angry because you've been repeatedly lied to, and all that it entails. My advice would be to seek counselling for both yourself and him, end explore possible underlying issues in your relationship. DO NOT do as I have done and try to make allowances, forgive and move on.

While you are entitled to your opinion of porn, your H is not obliged to share your opinion, you do not own his thoughts and feelings. I do not think any adult has the right to police any other adult's choice of reading or viewing material.

You mention that you have had very little sex or intimacy lately - has your H always had a much higher libido than you? I am not going to suggest that you allow him sex with you despite not fancying it in order to 'stop him looking at porn' but I do not think that, when there is a libido mismatch in a couple, the one with the lower libido is entitled to forbid the other one to masturbate.
If what you dislike about porn is the fact that he's looking at pictures of 'other women' and/or you object to visual porn-featuring-human-beings-performing-sex-acts then how about discussing with him the possibility that he switches to text-based material and reads erotic fiction instead?

Uhhh ... No, you're not being at all unreasonable to get upset about it. Lying about it at home - and risking his job for it - are worrying signs of porn addiction. That is a real addiction, btw, and just as damaging as the others. The fact he's lied about it to you is all you need to know about whether it's threatening your relationship.

However. Survey after survey reveals that well over half of men are unfaithful while their wives are pregnant. I can only guess as to why this might be (same guesses as any intelligent person would make!) and the researchers are no wiser about it than you or me. It's just a fact.

Now, if your bloke is one of the ones who would be unfaithful while expecting - but has sublimated his urge through porn - that might make it more understandable/acceptable? I don't know, it's your call. But it's a thought.

If you can manage a truly empathetic convo with him about it, that would likely put your mind at rest - or, at least, let you know where you stand! Most men don't understand their own sexuality well at al, so you have to be very empathetic to get honest replies ...

... which might prove quite difficult, what with pre-natal oddnesses and all. If you really can't face it, you might be better off waiting to see if the 'habit' fades down again once DC is 2yo or so??

Me, I'd prefer the discussion(s). I'd also do my level best to teach him how to find the body of a pregnant wife and nursing mother sexy! But, before you can do that with feeling, you need to resolve the current issue.

Can't believe, Big big hug I'm going through a similar thing with my dh at the moment. I do know how you're feeling, how awful for you especially as you are pg, what a SCUMBAG.

I always had a feeling that dh prob looked at porn occasionally, like some men do from time to time. I first realised about 18 months ago that there was a bit more to it. He stays up late to w**k off to porn rather than coming to bed with me. I know I am often very tired at bedtime, but I have very very good reason to be and he should respect that. Whatsmore, he rarely tries to initiate anything, it's always me.

I've tried to tell him why I don't like it...The idea that women are just sex objects (he also looks at women in the street alot); Porn can lead to sexual violence towards women and children (and other men); But most of all I hate hate hate that he's choosing porn over me

The stupid stupid thing about the whole situation is that we've always had a few problems with our relationship, but our sex life was good (although we do have 2 dcs). We went to see a councellor once because we were having massive arguments, one of the first quesions she asked was how's your sex life?, it was fine at the time. And now our whole relationship is in tatters

I'm not sure I can offer much advice, but in the short term, make sure you look after youself, gentle exercise, eat healthily, ...do something to make yourself feel special (because you are), even if it's just a good long soak in the bath. Please don't do what I did, don't give up on youself and eat loads of choc , difficult at Easter I know.

Anyway, I'll keep watching and posting as I think we can both gain strength in knowing someone else is going through the same thing . And please try not to take it too personally (difficult I know), you are not the only woman this has happened to and won't be the last.

can'tbelieve are you ok?

I've just reread your post, sorry I was wallowing in self-pity when I last posted!

1. Am I completely mad to be unnerved by this?

No, he is looking at it at work and could loose his job. Plus it's a bit pervy isn't it?

1. Why am I so upset?

Because he seems to be obsessed and he's been neglecting you.

1. Do you think this is an addiction?

Yes, he seems to be using it compulsively and has risked loosing his job if he's caught.

4.What do I do?
Not sure ... a very calm talk and look into therapy? Maybe relate would be a good start.