Supporting a distressed daughter

[judthepud]

I rarely use forums and am a newbie on here. I am getting desperate. Please can anyone give me some advice?
My daughter's husband has just left her again. He left her when she was pregnant but returned, after not having any contact for 3 months, when her baby was born. She was distraught during her late pregnancy and has been very traumatised by this experience. She doesn't trust him now and rightly as he has just gone again. At first he appeared to be sorry for what he had done and tried to help out but doesn't seem to be able to maintain any sort of commitment. Says he isn't happy and has gone back (again) to his mother.
This last year has been so emotionally draining trying to support my daughter while myself recovering from cancer treatment. My daughter needs so much practical and emotional help from me and I am beginniing to get so exhausted by it. I love her 2 little boys and would do anything to make sure they are OK. I feel so sorry for them and for her.
The problem is that sometimes when I try to explain to my daughter that I need some space she gets angry with me. The more I do for her the more she seems to expect. If I say anything she doesn't like or agree with she sometimes becomes unpleasant - often cutting me off mid sentence in a phone call. I know she is very upset by her situation but I am feeling that I am no longer coping and that I am not supporting her appropriately.
How can I cut through this emotional tangle without hurting her? Any thoughts?

Oh dear, how extremely difficult for you

I sympathise very much with your daughter, who must be feeling she screws everything up + the whole world's against her + nobody understands. I know you feel for her, too. But I also think you know it's simply impossible for you to carry it all. Even if you were bouncing with health, it would be impossible.

Support means helping someone to become stronger; more independent. That isn't happening currently, and you must take sufficient care of your self. I can't give you the right solution, I'm afraid, but I'd like to think that - with the help of this forum - you'll be able to hammer out a programme that will buoy your daughter up when she's really in trouble ... and encourage her to start living.

If she really can't talk to you, you might need to write a letter. But start on here: see where it takes you?

Thank you for your response itsgraceagain. I know my daughter needs to develop more independence but it is how to get her on the road when she is in such crisis and yet keep my own sanity!

has she had any counselling to help her talk things through ?

she is possibly depressed...could you get her to see her gp ?

I can see you want to help her, and she has had a rough time, but surely not at the expense of your health

she is being very self-absorbed, IMO...and will get a very nasty shock if you peg out

what about friends ? siblings ?

you obviously cannot carry on like this...at some point she is going to have to buck up...or get professional help

You must be exhausted.

Although you are clearly worried about your daughter, as any mum would be, you really do need to take a step back - even if it's just a little one. Would it be fair to say that you are very 'available' for her? Next time she makes a request from you, if it's really not convenient or you are not up to it could you say no?

You see, I'm not sure that you doing so much for her now will actually help her in the long run. Hard though it is for her, and you, she is an adult with children and must learn to stand on her own two feet.

I really hope I don't sound harsh - I don't intend to be.

Great post Grace.

I really feel for you Jud. I think you are going to have to prioritise.
It sounds harsh, I realise. But it's necessary.

Right, first is YOU. If you don't put yourself first you won't get healthy, it's as simple as that.
So make sure you have daily time outs for yourself. Are you a member of a cancer support group? They can be really good. Ask your GP, or alternately you could join an online one.

Right, next are the boys. They are children and therefore come before your daughter. The best thing you can do for them is to love them.
Spend time with them doing new things, cook with them, craft work, feeding the ducks - all the fun stuff that their mother is probably too wired to do with them right now.

Third on the priority list is your daughter. As a healthy adult, she has to come after you and the boys.
Please ask her to attend counselling. (I assume) You are not a counsellor. You can't be expected to say and do the right thing all the time.

I know as her mum you want to 'fix' this for her. But you can't.

She doesn't sound that she is acting entirely rationally at the moment.
BUT that doesn't mean that you can't have boundaries. Next time she is rude to you I would say something along the lines of "I know this is hard for you and I will help you in any way I can. I love you, but please don't be angry at me."

Try to get her to focus on the boys, rather than on her butthead ex.
Praise her parenting. Praise her children. Praise her.

All the best. You are being a good mum.

Sorry to hear of your daughters distress and I really like Condensedmilkaddict's advice re your grandchildren, i.e. doing all the things their Mum is probably unable to do for them right now, it brough a lump my throat.

Your daughter is going through the toughest part right now and even though she can't see it at the moment, things WILL get better in time. She is stressed & angry and unfortunately taking it out on the wrong person - you (remember the say "you always hurt the one you love").

As regards all the practical help she so badly needs, what about her husband ??? He may have left the family home but that doesn't mean he doesn't have responsibility to those kiddies. And what about his Mother ? Has she offered to help out ?

Thank you everyone for your wise words. I don't want this to become a 'poor me' discussion but your suggestions are giving me things to think about.

I must add that I have a very good and supportive husband who has been trying to help in a more objective way. He doesn't get so intensely involved in the distress bit and is practical in his suggestions.

Showmeheaven's suggestions about the involvement of the husband and his mother are good but they already are taking the baby and sometimes the little boy for half a day every so often. The problem is that when the husband arrives to get the baby he is very cold towards my daughter which hurts her so much. He veers from this coldness to saying he loves her and doesn't mean to hurt. The support she needs is more with how to cope with her feelings about the situation as she is a very good mum to her children but falling apart emotionally with the erratic behaviour of her husband. They had started to attend marriage counselling (have had 1 session)but when she contacted him about going to the next session he said there is no point.
Karmann you have hit it exactly by saying that I am 'available' to her, probably too much but it is really difficult to back off when she is so distressed and feeling she can't cope any more.
She has really good friends who have been very supportive, but when the real emotional pain comes out it is to me and I am too close and involved to deal with it objectively. I seem to be saying the 'wrong' thing more and more. Her reaction is anger which is causing me to dread the phone calls knowing it will probably end with her cutting me off. Vicious circle!

"My daughter needs so much practical and emotional help from me..."

She doesn't need extensive support from you, it might make things easier for her but nothing terrible is likely to happen if she doesn't receive it.
She does need to start to stand on her own two feet more. In the long run it will be so much more positive and productive for her and her children.

"I love her 2 little boys and would do anything to make sure they are OK. I feel so sorry for them and for her."

You undoubtedly mean well but in doing anything you can to make sure they are ok but in doing so you are facilitating her neediness.
This isn't empowering her, it's doing the opposite which is going to be very limiting to her recovery. She might at times feel like she can't cope anymore but until she has the freedom to realise she can cope, she might never believe it.

I have the feeling you know all of this already! I do think you need to toughen up, for both of your sakes and for the sake of your relationship.

Decide on your boundaries and make them clear to her. In practical terms, how many lifts/sessions of babysitting (or maybe housework?) are you prepared and able to offer? Make this clear to her in no uncertain terms and close yourself to any form of emotional blackmail.
What is the catalyst for your conversations going awry? Is it a particular subject you can pinpoint and choose not to discuss?

FWIW, I do feel she should display appropriate manners towards you! (Hanging up is so rude IMO!) ...but this is symptomatic of her current state of taking you for granted.
Do address this with her (the manners thing) it's important that you maintain clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour and it's important that she respects that.

Thanks Ecomouse. All sensible comments and suggestions. I do know these things - it is just acting on them I find so hard. I will try to toughen up more and decide on boundaries.
My daughter has a strong personality and can ring my bells at times.

I'm trying to identify what triggers the ringing off thing - usually when I give advice, something I don't generally like doing but at times she pushes me for it. Also, now I think about it, it is when my tone of voice betrays my frustration. I need to keep a more measured tone I think - like my husband.

You've had good advice so far but I think also you've realised that there are triggers which cause things to escalate.

I can't believe it but it still happens with me and my mother and we're 52 and 78 respectively. I just have to say one thing the wrong way (for her) and vice versa and a conversation that started amicably ends up with frustration and raised voices. It's as if your daughter both needs you and resents you at the same time - and she probably resents you because she needs you so much!
What to do? Just maintain your boundaries as others have said and she'll be the better for it.

And it's so selfish of her husband to act cold one minute and then regretful the next. If she still loves him it must be torture. He doesn't sound decent but there are so many of us on here who have survived similar situations so do take heart that your girl will be OK.

I realise you have probably already done this -- but what about sitting down with your husband & writing (another) list/plan/strategy of what to deal with, how, and where your bottom lines are? He sounds considerably less controllable by your daughter's string-pulling, and I'm sure he's acutely aware of your particular vulnerabilities.

This really is about boundaries. Firstly there's the matter of your own health. You'll be neither use nor ornament to your family if all the stress makes you worse! It would be nice if your daughter were equally concerned about you, but let's push that idea out of the way because it's not happening.

Manners do matter; get your H to figure out some calm & neutral responses to your 'bell pushes' - and/or post here; most of us are experts, unfortunately!

EcoMouse's ideas are good. Fixed arrangements for childcare, shopping & what-have-you will both help your daughter to feel her life is gaining structure, and allow you to plan your own time and recovery more constructively.

Requests for advice, especially coming from a distressed woman, often mean "I feel I can't cope / can't go on!" rather than "What should I do?" It might be worth making sympathetic noises instead of replying to the question she actually asked ... that is, reply to what she meant not what she said.
I bet your husband knows all about that