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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I unreasonable but too nice?? ( long winded but please help)

7 replies

peachybum · 29/03/2010 16:35

I split with DH last July,we are currently going though a divorce,we were on good terms eventually,he's just started a career in the forces at 32,he's seen the children 6 times since July...there was an important family event on his side, my children wanted to go ,they didn't want to be without me as they still feel insecure,even though they are 13 and 11(i will do anything to support my children and make them feel secure)....I traveled 400 miles away with DH as he didn't have enough money to get there in his giant car,so we went in mine, I went with him and the children,stayed all day in a hotel whilst they were at said family event. I sent him a message at 10pm to say that i was off to bed and to be quiet when they came in(he had booked a family room!),at 11pm he asked for a lift back,as he had spent the money on booze,he was disrespectful and rude,and yes drunk,my children were outside whilst I tried to find them in a strange city..it took me an hour,by then he had called me 18 times,to remind me my kids were cold and tired and to get a move on....I found them and asked him to get out of the car,he was drunk and I didnt want an argument,he was disrespectful towards me, my DS ran off, i have never run so fast,we argued again,my DS got back in the car,Dh then locked me out and got into the drivers seat,DD opened the door and I sprawled myself in the car to get the key....Long story made a bit shorter,i was awoken by DS at 4:30am,his dad had been sick on his bed,(at 9am my DD was cleaning her step fathers vomit from the sink)....A long 9 hr and very painful journey home and he says he's now going for custody of my DS,stopping financial support,DH has a girlfriend and he spends every weekend with her and her children...................Ive booked an appointment with relate,for my children and I...what do i do next? Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Buda · 29/03/2010 16:48

Not quite sure why you need Relate. I would go straight for a good solicitor!

leoleosuperstar · 29/03/2010 16:56

I agree - go see a solicitor. Also I wouldn't do him any favours again soon.

What is his problem? Why is he saying all this?

AMumInScotland · 29/03/2010 17:12

How could you possibly be in the wrong in this scenario? You did your best to help him and he misused that and treated you like dirt.

He can "go for" custody of your DS, but your DC are old enough to have their views taken into consideration, so he's unlikely to get it. He can't stop financial support, as they are his children, and he has a legal responsibility.

As others have said, legal advice will probably do you more good than Relate, but oif you want to talk things through with Relate then that may help you to get a feel for what is reasonable behaviour on his part and what isn't.

Condensedmilkaddict · 29/03/2010 17:20

That sounds like an awful night.

I think at 11 your DS is quite able to decide who he wants to live with.

Do you think your ex partner will go through with his threat of seeking custody? Sounds like he may have just wanted to upset you.

mrsboogie · 29/03/2010 17:24

How could you possibly be in the wrong??

The only wrong thing you have done is to be too nice to him. Did you actually give this f*cker a lift back in the car with you after that disgraceful behaviour? why weren't you at the family event too with your kids? then you could have left with them when he got drunk.

So this guy probably has a drink problem (throwing up in a child's bed - don't tell me he hasn't) he is in the forces (so presumably away from home all the time and he has only seen the kids half a dozen times. On what planet does he think he will get custody?

He probably doesn't even want custody - he is doing to to either hurt you or get out of paying good money towards his son's upkeep that could instead be spent on drink.

Go and see a solicitor and tell them what you have written here. Then get the solicitor to put it all in a letter to him and tell him good luck with the custody battle!!

peachybum · 29/03/2010 18:08

Thanks guys.....Yes he did throw up in his son's bed,yes I did give him a lift back,because my DS stated he would go too. I wasn't at the event because although invited I didnt want to face them tbh,DH is now with his godsister of whom he had an affair with,i'm blamed for most upsets at family gatherings, because they are a bunch of Pi*s heads tbh, and it winds me up...you can never reason with a drunk..I'm seeing the solicitor on wednesday,I though relate may help the children too,to understand why i do things,and as their father always paints me as the bad one....to top it all off I refused to pay for petrol on the way back, he made the children hand over £5 each that their Gdad had given them........I don't need a solicitor,i need a hitman...
As always this is just a pinch of the whole story,if I was to blog the 14yrs I was with him,I would be here for at least 6 months!!!

OP posts:
talie101 · 29/03/2010 18:24

Hmm what sort of a life does he think he can provide for his ds in the forces?

Forces people can move around a lot and be sent on detachments/abroad at short notice! Not saying he will, but forces life can also be about socialising and getting drunk lots! Changing areas, changing houses, changing schools... wow, great life for his son!

You're the one who can provide him with the stability he needs.

Get a solicitor and know your rights.

Good luck.

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