Anyone else feeling a bit neglected?

[bossyboop]

I dont know if im just feeling a bit sorry for myself. Went out with DH at the weekend, had a fab time but it was the first time in about a year. We get on really well, been together 11 years, we laugh a lot and hardly argue and even if we do its over trivial things like putting the rubbish out and its soon forgotten.

I only have one close friend and she has a hectic life so hardly see each other tho i talk to my family daily and consider them to be like good friends and people i can depend on. I know i would feel better if i made friends as that would give me something other than the family to think about and enable me to be more than just a wife and just a mother. Im a SAHM and have anxiety so dont get out much anyway and always find excuses for not going out and eventually people stop asking and so I have lost touch with a lot of people tho they are people i dont actually want to reconnect with anyway.

My DH likes to play sports, go to football matches and do go running and meet friends for drinks. Im left at home all the time doing housework and childcare and feel like thats all im good for. It would be nice if he wanted to go out with me. We struggle for babysitters so its not always easy for me to go out. I have spoken to him about it loads of times and he just says i need to make friends, but I would like to go out with him. He often appears to be selfish but really he doesnt understand that by going out for the 4th time this week i might be feeling a bit lonely and forgotten. He is unable to see the bigger picture and the effects his actions have and even when explained to him he doesnt get it. He only thinks he is 'going out' if alcohol is involved which is 2 or 3 times a month but I class every game of footie he plays or match he goes to as going out - its all time for him to do what he wants, time for himself.

Im going through a tough time at the mo with illness in the family and I struggle talking to him about it as he rolls his eyes at me the second I suggest i am depressed. I guess I could do with having a friend to talk to and thats not his fault. I dont know, maybe im just rambling on.

Feeling a bit lost

You have very different lives, don't you?

Unfortunately, the only thing that I think would change this situation is if you change your behaviour. It's impossible to change other people, but sometimes you have to do things yourself, and then they sit up and take notice.

He will only change his behaviour patterns if he wants to, essentially.

I know you have anxiety, but the main thing I would say is to try and get out and about with your kids as much as possible. I know it's easy for me to say, but you must try. Even just walking down to the park every day, going to the library, going swimming. Try not to see yourself as trapped in the house, it's just your base, not your prison.

It's a weird one to get your head round, but once you're doing things that he's not included in, he'll be curious as to what you're up to. And then he'll want to join in. Try and make him feel lonely and forgotten by you for a second, see how he likes it, iyswim?

If you are depressed, the friend's and doctor's advice would be to get more physical exercise. That walk in the park might just be the ticket. Or ask him to look after the kiddiwinks one night a week, so you can go for a run/swim/walk. If you're feeling too shy, stick some nutty disco music on and dance round the house. I do this when I feel pants.
Good luck. Anxiety is a toughie, but you have to face it head-on.

hello, thanks for that, i did smile when i read the bit about making him feel lonely and forgotten, totally get that idea!

Yeah we are very different, but in a way that works, as im a homely person it means i take charge of the housework, the bills and childcare which means he can be more outgoing and do lots of activities. Im happy for him to have interests outside of the home, as it does give me a bit of time to myself when dd is in bed and he is out.

DD starts nursery soon and im looking forward to a couple of hours a day so that i can get out and about more even just to the local shops and library as altho walking distance its a bit far for dd to walk to there and back (too heavy to carry and wont use buggy now) so thats another excuse for me not to go out so be it it is a valid one.

I want to make those couple of hours a day count and not 'waste' them on housework, even if its just listening to music or reading a book. There isnt really time for me to go anywhere else as i dont drive and have no desire to, but i think that could make a difference. A major thing for me (think its to do with the depression) is I feel forgotten and that my needs are never important, cant even watch what i want or listen to music as dh and dd rule the roost. Just wish I could switch myself off just for an hour to have total rest and peace instead of just trying to muddle through everyone elses needs.

If my dh read this he wouldnt know it was about us as he is oblivious. He thinks everything is great and mostly it is. But i just need a bit more out of life for myself.

Well there's a big thing going on for you here, which is your needs not being met at all. Your DH and DD do not and should not rule the roost and have everything their way all of the time.

You need to fundamentally change that way of thinking, as that's just something you have decided in your head. It's absolutely possible to decide you have needs that must be met, and an instant decision to choose a different way of thinking. Why not make that decision today? It's not the way things are, it's the way that you decided to live a while ago, and these things are not set in stone.

You are the only person who can change this, and it is a really important one. If you don't ensure some of your needs are being met, you will be walking towards long term unhappiness.

You know, I once went on an assertiveness course. They taught me that everyone has a voice, and that voice deserves to be heard.

Don't get stuck in a situation where you have no voice! It's more dangerous than you realise. I did, and it escalated and was not good. I advise reading some assertiveness material, or a course if you can afford it.

It does make sense that it is me that needs to change and that I am allowing this to go on, youve certainly given me something to think about thank you.

I think you just need to start scheduling things outside the house for you to do. Start going to an exercise class, or yoga or similiar, make plans to meet up with friends for dinner, or a movie. Check with your DH about timing for your plans, but don't ask(you don't need his permission) just make sure it doesn't clash to ensure he's available to stay at home and mind the kids.

If you don't want to do these things in the evening definitely book yourself into an activity during the day if you have some free time. I find that if i've booked myself into something I am obliged to do it and getting out of the house becomes more comfortable and a more normal thing to do. Its wonderfully liberating even after only the first time!

Another issue is about having another baby, I was all for the idea and he def is, but then i think how many years will i have to wait for the next night out, but i guess if i made friends I could have lots of fun with them even if dh isnt with me and that way i can go out as he can baby sit. But I get put off from having another as i worry these issues would turn into big problems and that i would feel miserable and resentful. I guess if i didnt have another one yet then in 18 months time dd would be full time at school so i could go to work, make some friends, have more money so i could afford to go out and have some nights out with dh as I could afford to and having just one child I can arrange the occasional babysitter but if i had dd and a baby I would have to wait until the baby was a couple of years old before expecting someone to take them both overnight (my sister who babysits has her own children already). But then am i that bothered about going out partying, do i have to decide between extending the family and having a night out with my hubby. I wish we had more options in terms of babysitting. But do i sound pathetic moaning about not being able to have a night out with my hubby, does it even matter...but then again I might not be as bothered if i got to go out with friends, at least i was getting out, maybe that would be enough, at least it would be a break from home and something to look forward to once and a while.

firstly, dads do not babysit - its their kids so equally responsible to look after them.

Secondly, your dh assumes you are constantly available to look after the kids to enable him to go out, this needs to be more equal

thirdly, if dh cut down his indiviual nights out surely this would contribute to cost of babysitter for you both to go out?

I agree you need to find things to do for you too....

Everyone needs stuff to look forward to.

No, you don't sound pathetic. You are suggesting that you would like to do something fun, it's hardly demanding or controversial.

And defo agree that Dads don't 'babysit'. If this is how he sees it, perhaps offer him £6 an hour if that's the deal - you can pay him from the joint account

Arrange a little something on a night you know he will be in, and then tell him that you're popping out.
Even if it's just going and annoying a sibling and eating their biscuits, or driving round the block. Once you start to treat it as perfectly normal that he would do this, he will too.

joint account???!!! separate money all the way and thats another issue in itself lol

True true dads dont babysit, will remember that line!

When i have gone for meals in the past and arranged it on a night i knew he would be in its not so much what he says but rather what he doesnt. He is interested in it, he's at work so i have to rush getting ready while supervising dd so no pampering time, just half an hour to get washed, dressed and do my make up. He goes all quiet and seems sulky but says he's not bothered in a tone that suggests he is, I feel guilty then get upset about being made to feel like im doing something wrong. I come home and he doesnt really ask about it, doesnt really want to know if ive had a nice time and what ive had to eat and what we talked about.

He is always saying that I should go out without him but i never have the money as a sahm.