it takes two to make a baby so why am i doin everything? advice wanted pls

[michelle89]

hey excuse the rant but its so annoying me!
so me and my dh-to-be have a 10week old ds.

ever since ds has been born my dh hasnt gone back to work full time, he can get away with this as he works for his mum. he goes to work less then half the hours he should be doing (he cares for her- shes an alki and is in a wheelchair)

my dh does the night feeds, volenterly. the past month he wont wake up to feed ds. he sets his alarm but sleeps through it, i try wake him up he ignores me, its resorted to rockin him hard, kicking him, punchin him, shouting at him and even this dont wake him up mostly, he says yeah ok or sits up so i go back to sleep or he goes and does his bottle an hour later ds still hasnt been fed.

i do everything in the house, i cook, do the washing, the pots, feed ds during the day, even when dh is not at work, i get an hour to 2hours sleep depending on ds feed times before i try and wake dh up and about 2hours when i woke him up, its so tiring, i feel like a single mum as im litterly am doin everything! if i didnt cook he wouldnt eat!

iv told him to go to bed earlier (he gets 4/5hours usually) but he says no. i asked the agony aunts on dear cupid and one of them said to me "if dh is such a deep sleeper then do it yourself, if ur dh falls sleep with ds in his arms he could die" so basicly shes tellin me to do all of ds's feeds, do all housework while dh sleeps!! dh's excuse is not that hes tired he aparently just finds it hard waking up, he says he always has. then again when he used to be a policeman he was early to work cus he loved it, it took 2people to make a baby so should be joint responsibilty! if he cant be bothered feeding ds he shouldnt have got me pregnant!

iv said to him if things dont change ill do the night feeds and the day feeds but when he gets back from work im goin straight to bed until 2am ish to start night feeds, which means he'd have to sort his own food out and we'd get no time together, obviously he doesnt like that idea! it seems to be the only solution though! help!

You posted when you were pregnant didn't you? About him wanting you and the baby to go to his mums with him?

I said it then and I'll say it now LEAVE HIM. Yould be so much happier. From what I can remember he is a prize twat.

I thought his mum couldn't look after herself? Who is caring for her the rest of the time?

If he can look after his mum he can look after a baby. However I wouldnt make the baby wait an hour for a feed because of him!

If you didn't cook he wouldn't eat? So, don't cook. Maybe doing stuff with the baby doesn't float his boat but at least he can make himself useful about the place, or at any rate not be an extra burden. At the moment there is no incentive for him to muck in because if he doesn't do it, you will. So don't do it. Just do what you have to for the baby and yourself. Stuff the housework. And stuff the lazy sod.

he sounds really selfish. just to echo what lilQueenie saod - please don't let him make your baby wait an hour for a feed.

This doesn't solve your relationship problems or his unhelpful and selfish attitude, but I was just wondering if he'd be more willing to help if you used ready made cartons of formula at night which just needed pouring into a bottle, so no need to get out of bed and start making up bottles. They were a lifesaver for us when ds was still doing lots of night feeds.

It really does sound like this is a test of wills though, he's basically saying "I'm not going to do it properly so you have to" - many men will do this about things like the washing up (doing it in cold water, not rinsing, leaving pots still dirty so it's easier just to do it yourself) but not many would leave their 10 week old baby to go hungry.

Sounds like my Ex husband who was a very selfish man. He left all the care of the babies to me and after 8 yrs of it i had become very very resentful and in the end i left him. He never bathed, fed, changed or played with the children. Waht was worse was leaving me to feed and change my first baby during a night of severe sickness and diarrhoer i was suffering. Then when our son was 2yrs and i was heavily pregnant again, our son fell over and cut his head on the river bank where my Ex was fishing. He refused to take us to A&E for stitches and just carried on fishing.....BASTARD ! I had to take son to Casualty in Devon where we were on holiday and find the A&E dept ...hell knows where. I went RIGHT off him from then on ......to the point of hate.
I put up with so much selfish behaviour.
Dont be a door mat like i was .. Stick up for yourself and give him some final ultimations..... he either helps out or he is heading for a marriage breakdown. Is this what he wants ?? Trouble is if you let them gt away with being a lazy selfish shit .....then they will and you will build up so my anger and resentment..
Be strong and tell him its your way or the highway !!!!!!
good luck and best wishes XX hugs xx

"if i didnt cook he wouldnt eat"

bingo! perhaps Hunger would make him do more? I remember you posting before and he sounded like a waste of space then too.

What is the point in being with someone like this? They give you no support or respect, nothing but stress, anger and worry. Life is too short for such negative feelings, so get them out of your life.

Cooking? You won't have much of that to do when you're on your own.

One less thing to do, one less mess to clean up.

You're doing everything on your own already, why load yourself with more work?

You've got to take over the night feeds, if your partner is letting his newborn son sream with hunger for an hour.

And if you're kicking, punching and shouting at this man, things have got way out of hsnd already and you all need to take a huge step back and reassess. It's not okay to resort to violence.

So do the night feeds. But stop doing the housework and the cooking, go to bed as early as you need to, make looking after your son in a calm environment your first and main priority.

I don't understand re the night feeds. Is he letting his 10 week old DS scream for an hour in the night because he cannot (read: does not want to) get up?

How often is your DS looking for a bottle at night? Does he have a bit of a routine, or is it still quite random?

My dp doesn't do much to help me with the children, the housework, shopping, cooking etc.
He goes to work and I don't so I'm ok at the moment with how this works.
However, I do find that my dp needs firm simple instruction just like my children.

I would suggest, that when you get the time, write down all of the things that need to be done on a daily basis, including your dp's work commitments and split all the tasks into 2 columns. 1 for you, 1 for him. Try to make sure you have an equal number of tasks. Maybe have set days for things, for example monday youj cook dinner, he feeds baby through night. Tuesday, he cooks dinner and you feed baby through the night. Alternate bath times.
This works mostly here. Dp has to bath the dc's monday and thursdays, he sweeps and mops the living floor every night, we alternate nights to get up with the dc's (although they mostly sleep through). He lays in on the days he is not working and I go back to bed in the afternoon.
When I return to work, things will need to change and he will need to do more around the house to help me, but atm, I think we have an ok balance. I would like more help, but am willing to let a few things slide in order to keep our relationship.
You have to decide what is reasonable.
I'd also get your dp to sit down and do a list too. Give him a copy of allk the things you know need to be done and tell him to split them into fair column, see what he thinks is reasonable and hopefully you'll be able to find some middle ground and comprimise.
Looking after a newborn is hard work, but it does get easier.#
Good luck

I should also add, that you both need the same ammount of rest time.
If my dp works 8 hours a day, I figure out what I'd count as 'work' i.e. cleaning, cooking, shopping, feeding, dressing children and so on for 8 hours and then try to split the rest, but like I said, I don't mind so myuch having full control of house, childcare, bills etc because I don't go out to work. When I do, it will be different.