Hi, could do with a little help

[WeaverBred]

Hello. I am new to mumsnet, but a friend of mine suggested that I may be able to get a little help here. Some advice would be great.

Basically, I want/need to throw my husband out. I have my reasons, but I don't know how to go about it, or whether I need a separation order, or anything like that. My friends keep telling me I am strong enough to chuck him, and that I can do a lot better, but I don't feel as though I am strong enough, although I am beginning to agree with the latter comment.

He has hurt me, mentally, so many times, too many in fact, and it is not fair on my 2yr old, or myself, for this to continue.

Please, any help would be hugely appreciated.

Just a bump...

.. could really do with the help. Please.

Sorry, i really have no practical advice, but don't want you to feel ignored.

You could try a search, there have been threads in the past with a lot of practical advice.

First stop is, I think, the Citizens' Advice Bureau, who can talk you through the legal stuff.

Weekends are a bit slow, so do bump your thread come Monday if you've had no joy.

Is the relationship definitely over? If it's not, Relate is worth a try. They do sliding scales for sessions.

If it's just being single you're frightened of, don't be - women survive, and more than survive, as single parents. Don't let fear of that put you off.

Good luck.

There are a lot of odd trip trot like threads about when the us is waking??

If you want to physically remove him from the place where you both live, unless he agrees to go you can only get him out with a court order and you are unlikely to get that unless he has been or has threatened violence to either you or your child.

You can apply for an occupation order under the Family Law Act 1996, you are entitled to do this without notifying him but it is very difficult to get him removed from the home on that basis - you would have to have some pretty compelling evidence that he was an imminent threat. Usually these types of order are only made after the Judge hears the evidence of each party.

If it is not an issue of an imminent physical threat or really serious emotional abuse then you will need to discuss things with him, either directly or via mediation or a solicitor about how to deal with your separation, how to divide your assets, how to agree contact with your child.

It probably won't be a quick process. Have you tried counselling? It might be worth a try, given that you have such a small child. That will link you for many years to come, whatever happens to your relationship, so it is definitely worth trying to find a way to sort things out so that at least some civil communication can be had.

good luck

Yes, the relationship has been over for a few months now, but I haven't let myself believe it. I know of at least two other women he has chased, god knows how many more I've not heard about.

Counselling won't help, because he won't talk to me, let alone someone he doesn't know.

There is no issue of physical threat, but he does nothing around the house, does nothing to help me look after our son, and tries to control everything I do - right down to what I wear, at times.

Does he know you want to end the relationship? How would he react if he did know?

Would it be easier for me to take our son and leave?

Only, the majority of the bills here are in my name, and my family are all over 150miles away.

Depends what you mean by 'easier'.

What kind of money do you have/could earn? You could be very vulnerable if you just up and leave and your family are very far away. Where will you go? Is he likely to agree to help you financially/pay for what your child needs?

Counselling may not help to save the relationship, but it may help to let you separate with less hardship and bitterness.

Unfortunately, you can't just click your fingers and make him vanish. Unpicking a marriage, especially when there are children is often a messy, long drawn out business and can leave the woman very financially vulnerable.

You need to think carefully about all these aspects.

Really don't know - depends on your financial situation. Do you own property together? do you have a job where you are now?

If there is any possibility of some kind of counselling prior to separating, Spero is right, it will pay dividends in the long run, because you have a child together.

Does he know you intend to leave? would it make a difference to his feelings about talking?

Have you felt unable to discuss your leaving because of fear of his reaction?

All those things make a difference.

Sorry, I have to go to bed. Hope you're OK and you get the answers you need.

Animula: It has almost ended on various occasions, but he often plays the guilt card, or the "I'll change, you can do what you want" card. Stupidly, I always let him back in, and he always does it again.

At the moment the only money I have aside from child benefit and child tax credit (which I could just survive on) is what he gives me.

I don't have a job - he has always discouraged me from working, because he thinks a woman's place is in the home, making his dinner and doing the housework. We rent from a housing asscociation at the moment.

No, he doesn't know I intend to leave, though I think if I were to tell him to leave he would, once he realised I meant it. He has no aversion to being on the street, though his parents only live across town.

If I were to tell him I was leaving he would try to stop me, to the extent of locking the door and hiding the keys, because that is what he is like. I would have to leave and then tell him when he called to see where I was.

I really don't know what to do, but I can't live like this anymore, and we haven't even been married a year.

You won't be living like this for ever, if you have come to the decision now that its over.

But if you don't have enough money to immediately rent privately or buy property, you will need to spend some time sorting out what your options are if you leave the home. You will need to get some specialist advice, I am not sure what LA obligations are to rehouse you if you are not a victim of domestic violence; obviously if you have a two year old, you will be pretty high on the list of priorities but it all depends how much council housing is available, you could be in a bed and breakfast.

If you want to rent with housing benefit, you will need to find out how to get that, I understand it can take months to get started and some landlords won't rent to tenants on HB.

Maybe find out your options, make sure you have a plan and an escape route and then have a talk with him. He might even be prepared to leave himself.

If you told him you were leaving and he locked you in, how long does this go on for? sounds like this behaviour is verging on a criminal offence.

He would lock me in until I "want" to stay. In the end end I would probably end up acting like I want to stay just to get my house keys back.

I am going to go to my council on monday and make an appointment to find out if they would be able to house me. I already claim housing benefit for this house, so as far as I am aware, I should just be able to transfer the claim to a different address.

If I were to tell him to leave, and he realised I meant it, I think he would leave. The only other thing I can think of is to get his folks involved, and ask them to pick him up from work one day and not bring him here.

Must get some sleep. Night, Mumsnet x

Look up AboardtheAxiom's thread from a few months back if you need some inspiration. Your H and her ex seem similar.

Thanks mathanxiety x

..just a bump in the hopes of getting even more help from you wonderful MNers x

I've just seen this - don't have any experience, but it doesn't sound good - the locking you in. I hope some people come along that can help more.

You seem to be emotionally "locked" and will go through a period of bereavement and it is a challenge to get back into gear as a single mum but if the relationship id dead, then move on. Get counselling to help you emotionally unlock yourself and actively engage with other single mums out there to build your confidence. financial arrangements and lack of money is not a huge barrier. good luck. in the long run, its definately worth it.

btw - start seeking legal advice early on, if you are married esp and to make arrangements around the kids.

Just knowing your legal position will give you a good feeling of confidence. Your H may try to intimidate you by saying you don't have a legal leg to stand on -- never the case.

0808 2000 247 - they'll know your legal and practical issues and be able to advise

the CAB are also very good - another free resource

Did you manage to get any advice from the Council today WeaverBred?