grandparent rights??

[justwannahelp]

Hi, gosh where to start... I am looking for advice really from anyone who may of had a similar experience I guess, its complicated (families - isnt it always!) so here goes.

Well basically I know my MIL and FIL would like to renew their relationship with one of their GS who is and has been living with ExSIL since the split and divorce both of which were bitter and very complicated (not sure if I can explain properly what went on on here) but basically I want to help them and I don't know what else they can do other than knock on the door out of the blue. Which I just know would not ever happen and is'nt really practical.

They have posted birthday cards for the past 5 years (since contact was stopped - influenced by and in all likelyhood instigated by ExSIL) GS1 has no contact with either his mother (apart from a couple of not very nice facebook messages) or brother or anyone from this side of the family, all of whom have posted birthday cards, invitations to partys etc (none have had replies ever.) Unfortunately for GS2 none of ExSIL side have ever made any contact with GS2 since he ranaway from ExSIL due to physical and emotional abuse / bullying as GS2 wanted to have contact still with his mother (GS1 also wanted to have contact with his mother until...) that says a lot to me about the enviroment that GS1 has been being brought up in and his now attitude towards making - rather not making contact for himself now that he is 16 with my MIL/FIL etc.)

Am rambling a bit I think sorry.

They have no current phone number to use to contact him, are not computer/email savvy and have been reluctant to take instruction, they are worried that if they were to write a letter it may not even get into GS1 hands and are doubtful as I said earlier that b'day cards ever have either.
At the moment GS1 is 16 and in fulltime education but will finish this summer and ExSIL is also due to be remarried in summer (so says the grapevine IYSWIM) and may sell house in which case GPs would have no way of knowing where GS1 is at all. (At the moment various members of the family have to drive past ExSIL house fairly regularly so is quite obvious that they still live there for now anyway.)

My MIL and FIL are getting on and I worry , there must be something they could do??

Your MIL and FIL would probably be best making an appointment with the citizens advice. I think they can apply for visitation rights (or similar) but not sure if at 16 this is possible. Good luck though.

This is a very sad situation all round.

Grandparents in the UK have no legal automatic right to see their grandchildren. They could apply to the Court to see if a Contact Order would be granted for them.

Instead of applying to the court for a contact order, Why don't they stop the car when they next drive past, and get out of the car and walk up to the door and ring on the doorbell????

My children are small but haven't seen their other GP for 3 years. I know that the other GP 'blame' me, but I am not going to take my children round to their house at huge expense when their son contributes nothing. It is up to them to make some effort instead of griping about how they never see their gc. It doesn't sound like your xsil has 'banned' the gp from seeing their gc. It sounds like it just hasn't happened for a long time. Make it happen. Be pro-active. You can track him down through his mum, through his school, or through facebook.

attila and lilq, will look into those suggestions and do some research to see if they would help at all, thankyou

maggie did you even read my post?? doubt it reading your comments

No need to jump down Maggie00's throat... I read the post and reached the same conclusion!

Saw your response and reread the original post. Still think they could do worse than going to the door and trying to make contact.
A visitor at your door is harder to ignore than a Christmas card.

If there's something making a visit impossible it's not very clear in the original post.

I did read your post sunshiney. every word of it. You haven't actually done anything yet to track down this boy. You list off the ways he could be tracked down, and there is more than one way.

I'm the opposite side of the coin here. You should listen up. If my xmil showed up on my door and asked to see the children, I would say yes, come in. But I will not take my children hundreds of miles to see people who seem to blame me for their total lack of proactivity.

Grandparents don't have rights but then neither do parents. Children have rights, adults have responsibilities.

I agree with the others that your ILs should just try knocking on the door first. If that doesn't work then they can explore other options, the child's rights here would be the right to a family life although not sure how it would go with them not having one for the last however many years. Grandparents can get official contact (we're talking about this for my partner's children as she does stop anyone from seeing the children except in her home 200 miles away and won't allow anyone to collect them) but it's best to start the nice and easy way of knocking on the door. Maybe they could drop some eggs in?

No jumping was intended maggie.
Does annoy me though that I make sure I take the time (of which I dont have a great deal spare) when I come on here, if Im interested in the topic or feel I can contribute anything to the conversation to make sure I read the OP properly before I type and it seems more and more some people just are not bothering.

Now if it was as simple as just walking up the path and knocking on the door to say hello and start a conversation like nothing bad has ever happened they would do that, but their situation is just not that simple.
Am not going to go into great detail of the whats where and whos as it would be too complicated and be an even longer post! All you need to know is that he would- if MIL knocked just shut door in her face and if FIL knocked he would not suprise me if he took a punch in the face.
This dad shunted the car carrying his DS2 who had run away from home to get away from his fathers violence and the bullying (that was encouraged by their father) by his brother.

A bad break up is one thing but this man used, abused and treated his own sons as pawns in a twisted game to get back at their mother (and her family) for leaving him - her violent abusive husband!

Divorce is never easy but its always the kids and the extended family who are forced to pick sides and the fallout is horrible.

I agree that the court way is not the best way to go and I doubt if the GPs would do that, especially after all this time.

I guess I just wanted to hear that there was some company or charity or friendly ear you could go to for advice or who would be an intermediary then I could go say to them 'here try this'.
Its been breaking their hearts for years to see GS2 being shunned by his father and family and themselves being ignored by GS1, though they would never say as much, all they say is they miss him and one day... and I hate it so much! They have hung on for years thinking when he gets to 16 he'll pop round cos his dad wont have a hold over him as much at that age but obviously!

I was going to suggest writing a letter to him and delivering it through the school or asking for a meeting with him through the school but I dont know how if that would be an ok thing for the school to do?? would his dad have to give permission?? any teachers / heads about??

There is a grandparents charity. I can't remember what it's called, I'll see what Ican do.

You may find this a useful website:-

www.grandparents-association.org.uk/index.php

Grandparents don't have any automatic legal rights when it comes to their grandchildren, in certain situations they can acquire them (I worked for Citizens Advice for yonks and it was really sad seeing some situations).

I'm a bit confused about GS1 and GS2 in your posts - sorry. Is there nobody that could pass on a letter to the child the grandparents are trying to contact? A school MIGHT be willing just to say "we have this letter if you want it" - I can't see how that could breach any duty of care as long as there is no court order in place.

I'm sorry I donr entirely understand your post, too vague, too rambly!

I'm with Maggie here, on the other side, and trust me no matter how bitter the break up, the GRANDPARENTS need to make the effort, not the ex DIL, its not her effort to maintain a relationship with grandparents who expect the DC to be "delivered" to them!

Agree it's confused. You say in 1 sentence that GS1 has no contact with his mother (who I presume is exSIL although that isn't clear) but then say he doesn't see his grandparents either. It's not clear who GS2 is living with as you say he ran away from exSIL then say none of her family would talk to him as he wanted contact with his mother, presumably her?. The kids' father (? your brother) isn't mentioned anywhere here. Normally GPs see the kids of divorces via the parent ? father in this case.
I'd do the post again giving people pretend names and clarifying relationships and who the parents of the kids are and what their access is.
If 1 child is 16 it's really up to them which extended family members they choose to see not their parents anyway.

www.grandparents-association.org.uk gives out very good advice and support to grandparents.

thanks again Attila and marjoriew, hopefully this website will be of some help and support to my inlaws

I'm confused by this post too. But I think that perhaps the gps need to be more proactive?

A family member's son has split from wife - their view is that the ex is abitch and prevents contact - they live the same tiny tiny village - contact could not be prevented - they need to make the effort.

Get your mil busy trying to make contact - if not reciprocted by the child then not much they can do. If prevented by other people then they need to see what more they can do to get to spend some time with grandchild.