'in love' with your husband/partner - what does that actually mean?

[skinnyhinny]

Hi all. Me again!!! I'm slowly coming to understand my own thoughts about me and H (with all your wonderful help and postings) and am putting another question out to you all...hope you don't mind!!
This has come from another thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/934511-after-that-quot-defining-moment-quot-how-long-was-i t?msgid=19076865 which stemmed from my original thread about a defining moment....
What I'd like to know is....when you've been in a long term relationship and know you still love that person, what is the fundamental difference to loving them and being 'in love' with them.
I can't decide if I'm in love with my H anymore so was wondering what 'in love' means to everyone else. Thanks and sorry for the ramble!!!

Well I like the Captain Corelli's Mandolin definition:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

I care and love my husband deeply, even though he has cheated on me. But the love I have now is not a heady rush but a deep love. Does that make sense?

I posted this a while back on another thread. It is a leaflet that the Relate counseller gave my DH (after his affair) - it's self explanatory.

In Latin there are two words describing love. They distinguish the two profoundly different ways of experiencing love. Eros refers to passionate love; Agape describes the stable and committed relationship. When we look for thedifferent kinds of love in one relationship with one person it leads us into a dilemma as the two cannot be experienced at the same time.

Eros: Real love is all-consuming, desperate yearning for the beloved, who is perceived as different, mysterious and elusive. The depth of love is measured by the intensity of obsession with the loved one. There is little time or attention for other interests or pursuits, because so much energy is focused on recalling past encounters or imagining future ones. Often, great obstacles must be overcome, and thus there is an element of suffering in true love. Another indication of the depth of love is the willingness to endure pain and hardship for the sake of the relationship. Associated with real love are feelingd of excitement, rapture, drama, anxiety, tension, mystery and yearning.

Agape: Real love is a partnership to which two caring people are deeply committed. These people share many basic values, interests and goals and tolerate good-naturedly their individual differences. The depth of love is measured by the mutual trust and respect they feel toward each other. Their relationship allows each to be more fullyexpressive, creative and productive in the world. There is much joy in shared experiences both past and present as well as those anticipated. Each views the other as his/her dearest and most cherished friend. Another measure of the depth of the love is the willingness to look honestly at oneself in order to promote the growth of the relationship and the deepening of intimacy. Associated with real love are feelings of serenity, security, devotion, understanding, companionship, mutual support and comfort.

Hope it helps.

I think countingto10 has described it very well (though the terms Eros and Agape are greek, not Latin).

I both Love my husband and I'm in love with him like when we first met.

I love him now knowing full well his "bad" side, all the things that annoy me, they're just details that can't stop me from deeply caring for him.

At the same time he makes my toes curl, I think he's absolutely gorgeous even first thing in the morning and that I'm the luckiest woman on earth to have him.

They're two very different emotions, I'd say the former is necessary in a long-term relationship. But the latter is nice to have, it's the spice of life to me :-)

I have fallen in love with my DH over and over. Not quite as intensive as the first time, of course! We wouldn't be able to parent properly like that, for a start. But definitely feeling a rush of love. It ebbs and flows over the bedrock of the love that cements the relationship together. I think I would struggle without either.