Trying to understand

[tryingtounderstand]

I am trying to understand why my H was unfaithfull. Is there truth in the belief that if a man wanders it is because he is not getting something he needs from the marriage? My H was not lacking for anything. It was the other way around. He was very selfish and immature but I had learned to let that go. He suffered from very low self esteem. He was also a bully when he didn't get his own way.

I often thought of leaving him because of his selfish ways but I worked very hard to accept him as he was. When I discovered he was unfaithfull it was like something inside of me died. On the outside I am getting on with things but inside I just have this awful grief and pain. Despite his selfish ways I really thought we had a close connection and would never have believed him capable of doing the stuff he did.

The hardest thing of all perhaps is that he has never given me any answers or discussed this with me at all. When I confronted him he turned into a monster and since then has treated me like I am an evil bit*h for what I've done to him. I just cant understand any of it and am finding it really hard to accept. How do I let it go. I cant even feel any anger towards him because I just feel so broken by it all.

There will be others along who will be able to give you far better advice than I can but I didn't want you to go unanswered. But FWIW, here's my two pennorth.

Stop trying to understand him. It really sounds to me like he's got you where he wants you and feels he can behave exactly how he pleases- which is like a tosser, TBH.

Are you getting anything out of this relationship? Because it really doesn't sound like you are.

I just wanted to give you a quick answer because I know what it is like. Now is the time to STOP thinking about his motivation and think about yourself only.
What will make you happy and what do you want?
I put an elastic band around my wrist and when I think about him I snap it an say something like "it is not helpful to think about him what do I want?"
I know now you just think you want him but think of the day in the future when you don't want him and are so happy to be with the man of your dreams who thinks of you and actually works to make you happy LOL

You have to understand that this isn't about you, it about him, his issues, his character flaws, his self-esteem, his immaturity etc.

Me and my DH are a year down the line from his affair, in the beginning he blamed me for everything, demonised me etc as it was the only way he could justify the affair in his head. Eventually (and as we were trying to salvage the marriage with counselling etc) he had to understand that it wasn't all my fault, he had a part to play in the marriage breakdown and it is only in the last couple of months that he has accepted that his behaviour during the whole of the marriage was mainly to blame for what went wrong. He was arrogant, had a hugh sense of entitlement, was manipulated and was manipulative as well, behaved "like a five yr old all his life" (those were the words of the therapist) and had never grown up and taken responsibility for anything. My behaviour towards him was mainly a reaction to his behaviour (but I could have done certain things differently).

It takes a lot of self analysis and self reflection etc to get to this stage, it is a very painful process and very hard to admit to yourself that you have those flaws etc. I have also had to look at myself as well but this has been mainly in a self-improvement way, making time for myself etc, doing things just for me. I had given so much to the DC and the marriage, that I got lost along the way.

You will never get your H to face up to things, it is something he has to do for himself and it maybe something that never happens. The only person you can change is yourself, how you react to things, choosing not to react to things and "play his games", detaching from him etc.

That was one of the hardest things for my DH, he saw me changing (albeit in small ways), realised that in no way was I this ogre, devil woman whatever and had to look at himself if that makes sense.

Good luck and look after yourself.

Thanks for the replies. Shodan we are not together anymore. Sarah you are so right. I'll give the elastic band thing a go. I'm just finding it so hard to accept what happened. No discussion, no explanation, being treated like I am the one that did wrong. I put my heart and soul into trying to make the relationship work for years and to be treated so badly and cruelly is killing me. It's like the happiness was zapped out of me.

Thank you counting, that makes sense. It's the being demonised when I did nothing wrong that hurts the most. I don't understand why he continues to try to hurt me when it was his behaviour that ended the marriage.

TTU

some men are just shits, and always will be

you don't need to understand any more than that

be thankful your self-esteem enabled you to realise you deserved something better than someone who would never accept responsibilty for his disrespect of you

Because it is easier to hurt and blame you than look at himself, face up to his flaws and take responsibility .....

Just don't engage with him anymore, you owe him nothing.

Counting thank you so much you are really helping. Any ideas on how do I get over the hurt of him not taking responsibility.

AnyFucker, I've always had very high self esteem but I feel like I've been torn apart by all of this.

I am not surprised you have been torn apart...your love and trust has been taken, screwed into a ball and flung into the dustbin

is your relationship over for good ?

What's to understand? He was unfaithful because he's a worthless shit who didn't appreciate you.
Don't waste any more energy on him.

(Sorry if that sounds harsh, but am on your side!)

I have a very high sense of what's right and wrong, being kind and treating people right. It is killing me that the person I invested so much in and was supposed to be closest to me has done this.

Anyfucker, yes it's over for good. I had always told him I would walk if he was ever unfaithfull. Even if I had been able to forgive that his behaviour afterwards was unforgivable.

lesson learned

move on, seriously

there are horrible people in this world...is this the first time somebody has hurt you ?

if it is, you are lucky, tbh

Anyfucker, it is the first time I was ever hurt like this. I spent half my life with this man gave him my best years. I feel torn for the pain this has caused to my children also.

that sounds harsh and like you should "just pull yourself together"

sorry

what I meant was, from what you have said about how you pandered to him and overlooked other utterly selfish behaviour, it was only a matter of time before he shit on you from a very great height

but that wasn't your fault

your only "mistake" was to love and trust him, there is nothing wrong with that

what is wrong is that he threw it back in your face

wht would also be wrong is if you allow it to continue to hurt and demoralise you, and blame yourself

you mustn't do that

walk away with your head held high, that you trie your best...he can't do that, can he ?

cross posted, I apologise for my terse tone previously x

Anyfucker, thank you so much. You are right it was only a matter of time. I think I always knew that but I had given up trying to change him.

Anyfucker, you weren't harsh at all. I didn't post this for sympathy. I really just needed help to try to understand and build myself back up again. Thank you.

Do you see him still, does he say mean stuff to you face to face?

I think the trick is to say you know he is trying to hurt you but you won't let him hurt you any more and get him to leave if he starts. If that makes sense. Refuse to engage.

hey, you deserve a bit of sympathy too !

TTU, it's all about letting go. You sound a bit co-dependent to me, trying to change and control things etc. This Book helped me a lot - I was in such a state when the affair came to light - "wired" was how our theraprist described it but hey, my "D"H had abandoned me with 4DC (and £'000s in debt but that's another story) for some woman he had been having an affair with for only 4 weeks (as I said nonsense). My counsellor wanted me to work on myself and for me to "decide how much I was going to put up with". In a way she prioritised me over my H in the therapy, she needed me to change the way I dealt with him etc and myself. In doing that my DH realised I wasn't going to put up with all the crap, I wouldn't let him manipulate me and I would confront his behaviours and not back down as I had in the past IYSWIM. In the words of Dr Phil "You teach people how to treat you".

If you don't engage him, get upset by what he says/does etc, then eventually he will stop doing it or it will cease to matter to you.

The pain of all these things becomes less in time and do small things to make yourself feel better especially if you are having a bad day - treat yourself to some new makeup, a magazine, take a long bath etc. These little things can help. One time I was having a bad day with lots of awful thoughts about DH and OW and I just bought myself some flowers from a flower lady on the corner of the road, she actually asked me who they were for and I said "me, I'm treating myself".

Take care.

Dueling, he refuses to see me or even talk to me about dc's.

Counting, thanks again. I have the book and I was certainly codependant earlier in the marriage. I realised this and went to counselling. I changed a lot and I think this is why he strayed. This has just knocked me for six. I'm finding it hard to sleep and eat but I think maybe I just need to give it time to heal.

But it's not because you changed that he was unfaithful, you have to understand that.

Again, as my therapist said, don't expect to feel better quickly, it's the physical equivalent of being hit by a bus - you expect to be up and running again in a few days. Take yourself back to counselling, it will help to talk it through with someone in RL. It really is about him and not you, do not let him make you feel bad.

One day I was married, then I discovered he's strayed and then he walked as if I was the devil and refused to speak to me again. No answers, no sorry, nothing........

This man used to love me and even though he was selfish and immature he was very kind. From the moment I discovered he had strayed he hates me.