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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can he throw her out?

45 replies

marantha · 27/03/2010 08:31

Right, try to keep this brief. A close friend of mine married a guy about 2 years ago, he has turned out to be a bit of an a* .
Every time they have a serious argument, he threatens to call the police and have her removed from the home.
He owns the house and she is NOT (yet)on the mortgage and they have no children. Still, though, what rights does she have-can he just chuck her out?
This stress is tearing her apart and she is thinking of leaving anyway but in HER own time.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2010 10:25

Well if he tries that one again I suggest you let him get on with it, though men like this are never considerate enough to actually die and get out of your hair.
Bear in mind also that if he does get physically violent, he can be removed from the house by the police, regardless of whose name is on the deeds (though this will only be temporary if it's in his name and there are no DC).

Original poster

marantha · 31/03/2010 09:52

He has surpassed himself this time: he has "discovered" that he has 15K that he did not realise he had.
Don't get me wrong: it is very, very, very good news this "surprise" and I am extremely glad of it- it means he can give me back the 2K I loaned him a few weeks ago and I'm one step closer to getting out.

But I ask: apart from rich people (we are not rich) who the hell forgets about 15 thousand pounds? He is unstable, I can't deny it any longer.

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SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2010 10:01

Marantha, you need to think about getting out of there as soon as possible. This man is dangerous because as far as he is concerned, you are not a person. He thinks he is entitled to do what he likes with you (the idea that he can ring your parents up and tell them to come and take you away, for instance? I hope your parents are the sort who would tell him to stop being such a cock and laugh at him - but are they the sort of people who would take him seriously? Do they think that women are not full adult human beings, but things which men own and pass to one another? If so I can see how you ended up married to this knob, but please work on getting out, men who dont percieve their wives as human very often physically assault them and sometimes kill them.

Original poster

marantha · 31/03/2010 11:35

I am working on getting out, believe me. I can't wait to tell the tosser where to go!

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JaneS · 31/03/2010 11:55

Just read this thread and I am so angry/sad for you, Marantha. He sounds like a horrible person. Can I add my voice to those telling you to leave asap? (Perhaps just after putting your name on the deeds as described earlier in the thread, so he can't sell the house without sorting it out with you).

My ex-partner was nothing like so bad as this, but I am a bit reminded of him. Friends told me time and again that I should leave but because I was trying to get a university place and struggling to find work, I felt as if I 'couldn't'. It was completely wrong and I know now that I could and should have left him much earlier than I did. Really, there is nothing comparable to the way you feel when you get free of a tosser like that.

Original poster

marantha · 31/03/2010 14:02

You know what, I look at him and think, "How can you be so awful to me, when you seem so nice now?" But the facts are there, aren't they?

The threats? FACT.
The communications with other women in a sexual way. FACT.
The "appearance" of 15K (don't get me wrong, I am extremely pleased of this "windfall" but it flabbergasts me that he has "forgotten" about it until now. It worries me a lot, this).
It shows extreme instability, I think.

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Beasknees · 31/03/2010 14:11

why do you have to wait til you'#ve finished your course? if covering the rent somewhere is difficult there are loads of shared houses where you would be sharing the rent so making it cheaper.

Are there cultural reasons for thinking your parents would actually collect you.

i'm sorry i wouldn't like to be with him for too long.

Undertone · 31/03/2010 14:16

I was also in a horrible relationship for a number of years where I felt I couldn't let my family know how miserable I was. I was so ashamed - I thought they would think I was an idiotic weakling to get myself in this position.

I just snapped one day and sobbed down the phone to my mum. It turns out I am still her little girl (even at nearly 30!) and she leaped in like mummy tiger to come and get me - no questions asked. I feel much closer to her and all my family because I shared my pain with them.

So - conclusion is - please tell your family. In a way, most parents feel glad that they are still needed sometimes. Could you complete your course while living at home?!

Condensedmilkaddict · 31/03/2010 15:16

DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2010 15:47

Mind you, why on earth are you bothered about him texting other women for sex? Maybe he will take up with one of them and you'll be rid of him. (And if he dumps you for another woman, you will get half the cost of the house )
I appreciate that it might be on your conscience that another woman is setting herself up to be bullied and abused of course.

Original poster

marantha · 31/03/2010 16:28

That's a very good point, SolidGoldBrass.
I know some people are correct in saying "Get out now", but:
a, There are no children involved.
b, I do not feel physically under threat from him. I must admit, if there is any hint of physical violence, I'll be off.

and, "c", I will NOT let this man undermine my chances of successfully completing my course.
Why should I uproot myself when HE is at fault?
No way.
My hopes for the future? Qualification- cash- and telling him to get off. My dislike of him keeps me going in a way. Sad, I know.

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JaneS · 31/03/2010 17:39

I see what you're saying Marantha. Would it be completely impossible to complete the course if you weren't with him? There are bursaries on most courses, and if you are married - you do have some claim on his assets, especially on the 2grand he owes you.

I am concerned because I can see in what you're doing so much that happened to me. It still galls me that I ended up saying goodbye to several grand that I would never get back from the ex, but (and I say this as someone who is struggling for money at the moment and has been since the split), I am so glad I left before the damage to me became worse.

JaneS · 31/03/2010 17:48

(Sorry, just looked at my post and realized that 'if you are married' sounds as if I don't believe you are! Not at all what I intended - I meant to write 'as you are married'. So sorry.)

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2010 22:50

Marantha: The thing is, living with an unstable and unpleasant man you despise is dangerous. Living in an atmosphere of mutual dislike and contempt is pretty poisonous, and means that rows can escalate fast. From what you have posted, this man sees you as a possession not a person, which may mean that he feels a sense of sexual entitlement where you are concerned, and he may try to coerce you into allowing him sexual access to your body: could you cope with that? Men as misogynistic as he sounds can sometimes sexually assault their partners as a way of 'putting them in their place and showing them what they 'need' from a Real Man', do yo uthink there is a risk of this?

LegendLay · 31/03/2010 23:02

Speak to the Land Registry, they are very good and will advise you accordingly

Original poster

marantha · 01/04/2010 09:15

SolidGoldBrass I don't actually think he despies me- the feeling isn't mutual.
I don't feel under any physical threat from him. I honestly wouldn't be here if I did.
Most of the time, he is like an overbearing, arrogant child and I am numb to him now and just tolerate his stupid behaviour and ideas.
I will continue to humour him until it is time to leave. I shall take a "whatever you say" attitude until I can go.

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Original poster

marantha · 01/04/2010 09:17

I won't compromise on the important stuff, but if he suggests painting the living room magnolia when I think it would look better red, I'll just go along with him- I don't give a fig tbh- let the f**r paint it cream if he wants to. I won't be here to see it.

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cestlavielife · 01/04/2010 11:22

apart from anything else what good does it do to him to hang on in there for another two years? when he could move on and find someone who appreciates him? (not sure who but that is besides the point...)

what does he get out of the relationship? what is the point in prolonging the marriage for either of you?

one day one of you will flip - prob him against you - or you will be ground down so much you break down...

find a way to move out then get solicitor to sort out your financial claim....

SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2010 18:34

CLVL has a point, Marantha, what does he actually want from you? If it's domestic servicing then OK you can possibly keep that up for the time being (though he may wear you donw with complaints and/or aggression if he doesn't think you are working 'hard enough' at it). Does he want 'love' or sex from you? That is potentially more dangerous, as is him wanting obedience and submission from you, because these are things he may try to force from you by means of violence.

Fluffyone · 01/04/2010 23:13

You could use some time to quietly make copies of things like his pension, insurance policies, bank statements... etc etc. Then when he starts lying about what he has or had, you have some evidence.

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