Need advice, feeling lost and abandoned

[sorryperson]

Hi, namechanged for this, as I am really at my wits end and really need to talk to someone. Unfortunately I have no one I can talk to in RL and I am going to go mad if I keep it inside me any longer.

Background, H and I moved to a different country after a lot of dillydalling. We have a 2 yo DD. I really did not want to leave the UK as I had been building up a life there with a good job and friends, but he hated his job and wanted to move back to his country. I resisted for a long time, as I knew I would not be allowed to work in this country and would be dependent on him for everything. We were having massive rows before we left, the usual, money, sex, who would look after DD etc. I have always been her main carer, and its been me that has balanced a full time job with looking after her. In a way its been made clear to me that my job was only secondary to his.

This does not mean that he didn't spend any time with her, but did mean that the majority of the housework and childcare was down to me. In his defence, he's been ill with ME, but it seems to some extent that its become an excuse to avoid any kind of responsibility.

Anyway, he got a job in his country and we moved here. But its just come to a point where we are having horrible rows, but this time I have nowhere to go and no means of support. My savings are all gone and I don't have any access to our joint savings. My status in this country is that of a tourist, so I cannot work. I don't have any place to live or work back in the UK, and no money for flights. I can't even move back to my parents as they live in a different country and I no longer have citizenship there.

Essentially, I am in a mess. I am not physically abused and a lot of people would think I have it pretty well, but I am so unhappy. I don't know whether to stay and work it out and pretend like all these rows are not happening, but basically by moving I burnt my bridges. I can't go to any women's shelters or know where to get any legal advice from. And H says that there is no way I am taking my DD with me if I leave. And I can't leave her behind, but I have no means to support her.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

I do not know what to say, but my thoughts are with you.

It sounds awful and that you need some real help. Is there a way that you could go to the equivalent of Relate to talk together.

Thanks, tiredmama, I really appreciate that.

Its the having no one to talk to about this that is the worst. I have had no opportunity to go out or make friends, as this is a completely new city and country. And ven if I did meet people, how an I start telling them about my personal rubbish?

So you've discussed leaving with him?

Maybe you need to be a bit devious here, can you plan a trip home with dd and maybe dh...... Then go and get help once here?? Just stay and don't return ?

Where was dd born??

Could you parents help?

Have you talked properly to your h about how you feel?

ThreeBlondeBoys, we've just got here a couple months ago and there is no way H would let me leave the country now with DD. Plus the country we are in has strict laws regarding child protection and abduction, so if I did that I'd be in serious trouble with the UK as well.

DD was born in the UK and has dual citizenship with H's country, but as we did not use the UK passport to enter, for all rights and purposes she is a citizen of this country and the UK consulate won't be able to help me, ie, they can help me but have no jurisdiction over DD.

I meant come back for a holiday/see relatives . Sorry, wasn't suggesting you abduct. I see now the situation

FabIsGettingThere, unfortunately my parents are very traditional and would not even think of helping me leave him. They would welcome me back home, but would expect I went back. Its a moot point anyway, as I will need visas for DD and me to go back, plus I can only stay for 6 months, and the flights there are brutally expensive.

I am trying to talk to H about how I feel, but its awful to be constantly told how good I have it and how I should be grateful for the good life he is providing. Plus, he thinks he has done nothing wrong and its me that has all the problems.

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. May I ask if there are a lot of cultural differences going on here? It would be helpful to know.

One thing at a time, ok?

First, get some support. Are you in a country where you can get cheap calls to the UK? use skype? whatever? I was for years in a position similar to yours. I have spent hours crying on the phone with someone based in Barcelona, or pouring my heart out with a friend in Australia. You can keep your network of support alive if you are well connected. I organise "coffee mornings" with my friends while our children are at school, which basically mean each of us have a coffee and an hour chat on the phone catching up with each other. It works fine, honest.

Second, You are massively misinformed about the legalities of splitting up in another country. Forget the embassy, the only thing they can do for you is to point you in the direction of a good solicitor and that is more than enough.

So go and get an appointment and find some good legal advice before even mentioning to your H you want out. I guess you are in a country that has signed to the Hague Convention, hence why you are mentioning about getting in trouble even in the UK. Well, to put things right, you will only get in trouble if there was a court order specifying where your child should live, but I guess that, as you are married, there is no such court order. Obviously, put the needs of the child first, but don't sacrifice yourself COMPLETELY for those needs because she needs a happy mum to grow happy herself.

Third, be patient, good things come to those who wait... Try to settle down, find the support you need, try to save the marriage if you still have some energy and you can still see in him the man you married. But if nothing of that works, set yourself some goal, a deadline and start working towards it.

Karmann, no there are no cultural difference as such, its a North American country and similar to the UK in many ways. The problem is that I have no support here at all, and I am feeling very let down and miserable all the time. Its brutally cold in this city and I spent most of my week last week crying and unable to go out, as I was so stressed out with all the conflicts.

I love my daughter and relish spending time with her, but I miss having my own space, I miss the mental stimulation of my job and I miss have my own money to spend. Now I have to ask my H for money for groceries. He's not mean at all, but it feels like I am totally powerless in this relationship.

Mongolia, that is massively helpful advice thank you very much. I would like to save my marriage, as in may ways we are well suited. I guess the strain of the move, plus my lonliness is not helping our already rocky relationship. But I still think I need to speak to some legal counsel about the ramifications of splitting up here. I mentioned leaving to H and he got terribly defensive and said something along the lines of 'leave if you want, but I will make sure you don't take DD with you and you will have to fight for access'. I don't know if a court will give me custody with no money and no support.

Its also complicated by the fact that H is sponsoring me for permanent residency here, and he has the power to withdraw the sponsorship, which means that I will never be able to work here either.

I don't really have many friends in RL, and that was what really hurt when I was moving from the UK because I had just started making good friends there and getting to know more people. I still keep in touch with a few of them, but its not easy with the time difference and people have moved on too, iyswim. I also don't have internet at home (working on getting that sorted) and am reliant on using the library's service and the internet cafe.

oh goodness...same situation as i will be in shortly if I DONT GO....hubby has booked flights for us to move abroad but he is an asshole....control freak, selfish, greedy Narcisstic, nasty..the list goes on. Ive had 4 years of the crap but now that I am being blackmailed into leaving the UK, I have been panicking for over 2 months making myself ill. We are due to leave Tuesday for our new so called brill life!!...yeh right. another country is not going to change an asshole. Im 99.9 that I wont go for fear etc. can you not get funds from friends etc to get back home? you would be homeless but you would get help...If your ot getting emotional support from him, then it might never change.
sit down and think about ways you can sort yourself out..phone a helpline or something asap.

You are pretty much trapped at the moment. I really feel for you.

OK you need to make contacts where you are. You may not be able to work, but you can do voluntary work. Also, take your DD to a play group, the library etc and meet other mums.

That way you will develop a support network. You do not have to tell them your situation straight away.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but I highly recommend you meet people where you are. Do not isolate yourself.

All the best to you.

jen...please do not go

take this lady's situation as a warning to to you...although you already realise it would be the biggest mistake of your life

any control-freaky, bastard behaviour will escalate massively, once he realises you are trapped and cannot stand up for yourself

in fact, that is probably very much the reason why he is bullying you to go...

save the marraige ...well suited..

but massive rows, horrible rows...
he threatens you - "if you xxx then xxx"

pleas rethink the well suited bit and get some proper legal advice

Jen, don't go unless you are 100% sure you want to. I was unsure about leaving, but I did because I thought it was the right thing to do and I really hoped we would have a better life. Now I regret it very much, but have to make the best of it, as essentially I have nowhere to go.

The funny thing is that life here is of a much higher quality, but I am not able to enjoy it with all my stress and the constant rowing.

Condensedmilkaddict, thanks for the advice. I have signed up for a library group starting next month, so hopefully I will make friends there. I am also trying to figure out how the daycare system here works, so I can work a way in which I could perhaps do some volunteering. So far all the people I have met have been from H's work, so its been hard to make real friends, iyswim? But you're right, its time to go out and meet people on my own.

cestlavie, yes, I plan to check out some legal websites and see what sort of advice I can get. Unfortunately its going to be limited due to my lack of funds, but will have to check.

Good for you Sorryperson. Exercise groups are another really good way to meet people too.

I think it's great that you are being proactive.

I really hope things improve for you. Please keep us informed, as I am quite worried about you...but very glad to hear that you are getting out and about.
xx

Jen, don't go, a move as such will put the best relationship to the test. One that has already so many problems is bound for failure. DON'T GO!

I don't know how many times I sat in airport waiting areas, hearing my name being called in the speakerphone while I was still hesitating between getting into the plane or just letting it go without me.

I have no words to describe how much I regret getting into the plane. The simple step of not taking it at that precise time would have meant a completely different life for me and DS.

sorryperson, you need to start getting some money together first, can you get your h to give you housekeeping or something and siphon it away?

You need to seek legal advice.

Also prehaps ring the british consulate and ask what, if any, help they can give you in this situation, would you be able to leave with your child?

sorryperson i know what it's like to be stuck in a new city with a small child and knowing no-one; it's very lonely and you start to feel as if you don't really exist....as soon as the weather starts to cheer up my advice would be to get involved in everything. Go to the park and chat to other Mums. Enrol DD in every toddler class going - swimming, gym, music etc. Do some voluntary work - the best way I ever found of being seen as an adult in my own right with something to offer! If you construct yourself a "timetable" and get out every day, eventually you will make some friends and start to make yourself a support network and a life outside the house. If you think the marriage is worth sticking at it sounds like finding a life outside of the house would improve things a lot.

Just want to thank everyone for the advice. I have signed up for ice skating lessons for me and DD. I went to the rink yesterday and liked it very much as there are several mothers and children there. I am hoping to introduce myself, maybe next at next week's lesson.

I have also emailed the consulate and they have promised to get back to me regarding my options in a couple weeks.

I have also persuaded H to make me an allowance (I hate it, but needs must and all that) and am planning to save most of it, in case I need to leave urgently and have to pay for accomodation etc.

Things have been about the same with H, and while the rows have lessened a bit, I still feel nervous and on edge, and hate feeling like this all the time and I am sure its not good for DD to have her mum like this.

So, fingers crossed, and will keep you posted. Just want to say thanks again, because I really needed the support you guys have given me.

Sorryperson, I have a lot of American and Canadian friends, including lawyers, if you need a referral and are happy to tell me where you are (roughly) I can ask around?