Desperately need some advice.I am going insane.

[tiredmama]

I do not who to talk to.My sisters and mum will get panicky and I cant trust my friends to keep secrets.I am now in my 30s, married to this guy after a whirlwind courtship when I was only 23.we have one dd aged 2.As time has passed, I have grown up and perhapsd outgrown this relationship.I perhaps was never romantically attracted to my husband but was too infatuated and immature to see that.I feel like I am living with an annoying older brother.We havent had sex in months,although he has a very high sex drive and I have resisted his advances.I just dont feel attracted to hime.If it werent for my daughter,a split would have been very easy, but I do not want to jeopardise the family.She loves her daddy immensely and I do not want to cause a rift there.There is nothing wrong with him, he is successful, earns twice as much as I do, is hard working, caring, loving, does more than his fair share of housework and child care, has many friends, is popular but I am just not committed to this relationship.
I detest the way he looks, the way he chews his food, the way he speaks.I am miserable.I think this has also been compounded by the fact that my sister fell in love with this guy who is handsome, charming, they are always holding hands and I feel only if I could turn back the clock, only if I had made the decision to split before dds birth. I can think of nothing else and it is driving me crazy.I have spoken to my husband and he says although our relationship isnt ideal and we are totally incomaptible, we should stay together and tolerate each other for dds sake.But I dont want to spend the rest of my life in regret.It is now or never.I appreciate there might not be a solution that you could offer me,but I just want to share this with someone.I am so desperate and torn.

sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like its a case of the grass is greener - apart from the comment that your DH says you are incompatible. Good point is that he agrees the relationship isnt working.

you sound a tad jealous of your sister - but remember she is in the first flush of romance, everyone holds hands at first and are all lovey dovey!

you are very complimentary about your DH and then go on to say you detest the way he looks etc.

I really think you should consider relate for joint help to talk things through as you do say so many nice things about him so you must have some feelings for him, even though you may have only been infatuated with him.

Life as a single mum is not much fun. Its hard on your own and harder still to form a new relationship with someone who is prepared to be step dad to your DD and ask yourself how would you feel if your DH remarried and your DD had a step mum? Life can get very complicated.

Can you and your DH rekindle the romance, could you do things together that you both like, can you appreciate rather than resent each others differences?

Please give Relate a go before you do anything drastic.

Maybe I am a tad jealous of her.But they have been together for 4 years now and are still so romantic.We have these blazing rows which leave both of us exhausted emotionally.We say the worst possible things to each other, perhaps which no civilized couple would ever utter.He makes an effort to
celebrate my birthday, get flowers and to be fair does a lot of things to make me happy.But I am not happy!I want attraction, love ,that all consuming passion, sexual attraction, being able to agree on some thing, not coming out of restaurants miserable because an innocuous statement has turned into a heated argument.He calls me shallow but physical attraction is important to me.Did think about relate ,will try to contact them.

Tell him what you need - tell him you want him to be romantic more often, he knows how to make you happy on your birthday so thats a great start.

all consuming passion is what gets couples together and gets them married, its not what keeps them married. Sex is important to help feel close and connected. but it is love understanding, compromise and a live and let live attitude that keeps couples together.

every couple argues and says horrible things to each other. Its how you patch it up, dont hold a grudge and apologise for hurtful words that count.

physical attraction wanes - how would you feel if he wanted to end it with you because of your looks?

Looks change as we get older so trying to base a marriage on physical attraction only is not going to work. your DH is right it is shallow and unrealistic.

You will spend your time chasing good looking men until the good looking men think you are not good looking enough for them!!!!

try relate and in the meantime, try to agree with your dh that you both will try hard to hold fire before a disagreement turns into a full blown row. If you feel it getting out of control just agree time out until you both have a chance to calm down.

good luck.

In a relationship like that with children involved it is worth doing everything you can to make it work and then cutting your losses and walking away with dignity. Knowing that at least you did try really hard.

It is possible you have got past that stage to the bit where you don't want to try, you just want out. In which case, fair enough. I certainly know how you feel as I was in your situation and I chose to end things. I had more crap stuff to motivate me in terms of XP's behaviour being pretty mean as well.

But ultimately if the thought of being with this person for the rest of your life makes you want to jump off a high building, you need to head to Relate or similar pronto. Even if just to get your own thoughts in order before you split.
Sorry for the brisk reply but I am knackered and headed to bed.

Were you ever physically attracted to him. I mean, did you ever fancy him for how he looks?

I divorced my then DH for similar reasons. I wish we had never been divorced but I still don't fancy him so my only regret is that we made babies together (ignoring the fact, for a moment, that I do not regret having our DC of course).

He annoyed me with the way he talked, walked...all because there was no physical attraction.

I dont think there was ever any physical attraction.. just got carried away because of immaturity.Every little thing that he does makes me angry .I know I am being selfish and perhaps I do not even crave another relationship, I just feels like I want out.I then end up blaming everybody who had anything to do with us getting together.Only if I had said no, only if, that phrase keeps reverberating through my mind.I know single parenthood can be very hard and will affect dd, but is it better for children to stay in a house of discord?and you know what the difficult thing is?He is such a nice caring guy who gives so much !
He does so many nice things for my parents and loves them and he is a graet father.But I do not like him.

My DC miss their dad terribly but he does live nearly 300 miles away. I don't think it is less damaging to stay together, particularly as it sounds as though he would be very involved with DD if you did part.

My EXH is a lovely man too. Too lovely perhaps and that I found a little unattractive in him. I'm glad we are apart. We rowed a lot and I think that was pretty bad for our two DC.

It isn't easy to separate and neither is parenting easy when there is only one of you day to day but it is a weight lifted I think when you don't have to spend every day with somebody you kind of detest.

Exactly, it would be like aweight lifted, a deliverable from the dail torment that occurs when you wake up beside somebody you do not love.I shut my eyes when he wakes me up because I do not want to see him.I was so foolish and naive.My parents will be gutted if they ever find out icontemplating separation.They know we row a lot but think that is just us.

I thought a lot about what others would think and I'm not generally one of those people that actually gives a monkeys what others think tbh. Don't waste your time with other people's illsuions.

Broken home, my child, impact on her, finding another man who will be a good dad to her.. all these thoughts are holding me back.

maybe you should confide in your parents, they will want to help and support you wont they? whatever your decision is.

tiredmama,only you know your nature...once you feel like this is it ever likely to reverse?
If not,tell him you see he is a good man but you have fallen out of love with him and need to leave.
Never mind about your parents,you are not married to them

I sort of understand..when i got married i sort of did it for everyone but myself[mainly dh who i felt i couldn't let down] and didn't have the right attraction for my dh...this doesn't usually change with time.

If he thinks you are incompatible as a couple as well, then the time has probably come to end the relationship with as much kindness, fairness and dignity as possible. Relate may well be able to help you with this (marriage counselling is not just about forcing you to stay with a partner you don;t want to be with, it can be about managing a spit amicably) Because letting it drag on will mean you end up hating each other. Remember, being single is GREAT, not second-best to being in a relationship, it's as good as being in an OK relationship and a fuck of a lot better than being in a bad one.
Also, being single but on amicable terms with your DC's other parent really is the best of all worlds - DC have two loving, involved parents, you have someone you can discuss the DC with and someone who can and will look after your DC when you want a night out.

agree with solidgold, relate can help you both to agree to stay together or agree to seperate, much better to do it with help than try on your on.

if he also realises there are problems in your relationship that is a good start and you may both be motiviated to make things better, be that together or seperated.

Yes, thank you.We have not talked much since the last two or three days.This evening we need to sit down and talk it out.Being single is great but I dont know if being single with kids is that great.Hate that I am trying to uproot everything when I could just let it be and carry on.Feel very uncertain and apprehensive about everyone`s future.