Was I sexually abused?

[roseability]

I had a verbally and emotionally abusive adoptive father, I am under no doubt about that (I post on Stately Homes)

I was adopted by him at the age of 4. I have been recieving counselling about these issues but recently some troubling images and memories have been flashing into my head. I am struggling with my parenting as a result.

I am going mad because I don't know if these memories amount to sexual abuse, they could be interpreted innocently. I am scared. I also have a feeling that I have repressed memories, that I have forced myself to forget certain things

I also remember him being 'nice' at times and I find it hard to equate this with what I know him to be - a bully and an abuser.

I know he emotionally abused me but I can't answer the question, was I sexually abused? I am very troubled and worried I am forcing this into my head and interpreting innocent things in such a way in order to make him out to be even worse and justify cutting him out all together (we are currently no contact).

For example very ocassionally when I have sex, flashes of him on top of me come into my head. It is very distressing. There are other things as well, fleeting memories which feel wrong

He is a bit creepy and definately crossed boundaries when I was a teenager e.g. around body and diet issues

What can I do? How can I remember?

maybe if you speak to your counsellor and see what they can recommend maybe the more you talk about it the more you will remember??

There must be something there for you to be having theses flashes but you really need to try and get to the bottom of it.

Do you have any siblings? maybe the same thing has happened to them and by you both talking about it you will be able to understand better what has happened in your past.

Sorry the advice isn't great its just what i would do if i was in your situation.xxxx

Are you still seeing a counsellor? Have you talked about it with them?
Is there anyone in your life who was around at the time, eg siblings, could you get their perspective?
There is an organisation with a helpline for adult survivors of sexual abuse, maybe it would be worth talking it through with them. Sorry I can't remember the name of it, but try googling.

Rose, your flashbacks suggest he did - how horrid for you to have that vision during your private, adult moments!

From the ongoing discussion in Stately Homes, you're aware that I share your frustrations over not "knowing" for sure. Others have advised that the mind hides what the mind can't cope with at any given time: this is what responsible therapists will tell you, too. You and I are both recovering our own memories, be it ever so slowly: perhaps we'll be able to feel appropriate anger (over sexual abuse of the children we were) later. Please talk this over with your counsellor.

Whether you "know for sure" or not, it is possible to banish your parents, and any other psychological ghosts, from your bedroom. I did this with the help of a therapist and some visualisations from the Homecoming book. I really hope you find a way to kill the ghost that's bothering you.

xx

rose and grace we've "spoken" on the other thread: I think i'm a bit further on with recovering my menmories and from my experience once you start consistently sensing something and seeing the odd disturbing image, you start gradually piecing things together to make more of the puzzle but I'm not sure you can ever complete it.

you would have been too young to have the language to describe what happened, so instead of storing memories in language form they may well be stored in your body and senses. For me it was a smell that triggered the memories. At first it was a scene that i kept on seeing, then items of clothing until some of the less innocent stuff started popping into my head and staying there..... Now I now what the abuse was and what time of day etc it happened but I'm not sure I'll ever completely remember all the details or whole scenes etc - I don't want to but I can so identifying with you saying you need to know.

At times I have felt I was going mad and I started doubting all the memories, convinced I'd dreamt them up. However through therapy i've realised that I haven't imagined it - it has shown itself in so many ways in my life, i just never knew it before.

I also get the flashbacks during sex. it's horrible and it's been the worst part of remembering all of this.

hang in there. It's not a nice journey but in many ways it makes you whole again.

I don't think any of us can tell you if these memories are true or not, and it sounds like you have been through some horrendous experiences.

Our memories are very powerful and can be recalled at the slightest sensory trigger, but our memories can play tracks on us, so be careful in your interpretation. For example, I have a memory from my toddlerhood which I can 'see' in my mind, but it can't be true because of the layout of the house etc.

I have also had flashes of inappropriate images, it doesn't mean they have happened, sometimes it's just my insecurities/anxieties messing with me. It could be that you are so worried about the thought of something, that it is constantly in the back of your mind and comes out at times when you are vulnerable. Or, it could be an accurate memory.

I certainly don't want to dismiss the distress you feel about this, just to be wary that memory is a complicated thing. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

May I just add that whether or not he did what you suspect, you don't need to "justify" cutting him out of your life if you are not comfortable with him in it. You are already "no contact" for aspects of his behaviour that you do know about, so let's face it, he can't have been a great parent who's being unfairly punished for some dodgy implanted memory. It's not at all surprising that he was nice some of the time. It's how abuse works. That does not justify him bullying a child in his care. He did do that and you don't have to forgive him for it or let him back in your life if you don't want to (never mind justifying it to some hypothetical audience).

Recovering these memories is something you may feel you have to do for yourself, but it need make no difference to how you treat the abuser in future. What he did may be worse than you at first thought, but what you thought was already bad enough. You don't owe him forgiveness for the awful things he didn't do (or may not have done - or can't be proved beyond doubt to have done). You owe yourself the distance from him that makes you feel safe. You have the right to choose who shares your life.

I think that our minds have a 'will to health.' You might be at a time in your life when you need to be able to sort this relationship out with your step father. You don't see him now and there is no need for you to ever see him but you do need to clean out this suitcase in the attic of your mind. You are not mad at all - your mind is finding its way towards peace and serenity. Trust your inner self - you will find dreams popping up and other manifestations of events - write them down. Think of yourself as a huge iceberg. You know the tip of yourself but there is a huge amount of information underneath that you need to explore. You have a jigsaw to solve and you are in control of the pieces. I prejdict that slowly (ask for help when you need it) you will put it together. I cut myself off from my brutal father. I found his sexually inapropriate behaviour confusing as a child and there are still dark areas but I forgave him years ago. He was a product of his own childhood and as much as he had a choice not to be a bully and terrorise his children, he chose to made himself all those things and as a result died without his children around him. Take care of yourself on your journey.

Hi I'm not sure if this has been mentioned before but have you considered regression therapy? It can be painful as you 'relive' experiences but you will know one way or the other and whoever does it will handle you sensitively, hopefully. Hope it helps, just a thought x