Coping with petulant husband...

[blinks]

DH is so unbelievably petulant at times and am struggling to cope.

When he feels unwell it goes off the scale with minor strops from all angles, mainly if he doesn't feel he's getting the adequate amount of empathy/sympathy etc.

He's always been over-sensitive and deals with things by either being huffy and flouncing or via passive aggression.

I'm very 'head on' and deal with things very directly so I've always found it a major struggle to cope with DH's mood-swings.

He has depression, treated pretty successfully with anti-depressants and comes from a horribly emotionally and sometimes physically abusive family (no longer sees his parents, with my full support).

I suppose I over react to his initial over-reaction and take it all very personally... I often want to leave him after he behaves this way but really I want us to make it work as we have a lot going for us, we both love our children dearly and have been through a lot together... in many ways he's thoughtful and kind, funny, caring and loyal etc

Whenever we've spoken about this he never takes responsibility and tends to make it about me- ie it was what I said to him that was the problem, not his petulance. he generally blames others for the way he feels/behaves.

eg last night he told me he thought he had pneumonia base on how ill he's been feeling... now i work in healthcare and he doesn't have pneumonia... maybe a chest infection so i told him to see GP but it could be viral as he had cold symptoms also. this was the wrong answer apparently and i was told i 'always do this' and why couldn't he be 'truly ill'.

he's never going to change is he? it's really eroding our relationship and i can't see things objectively anymore.

fucking nora.

clearly i should be posting more about my vagina.

Are you at all empathetic/sympathetic when he is ill or unwell?

It is good that, as a healthcare professional you can give an 'official' assessment of his ailments - but maybe what he really wants is a bit of extra and kind attention? Much like a child, when they're poorly?

i'm not a doctor... i can't give him a full assessment so told him to see his GP.

i am empathetic to a point but i refuse to treat him like a baby.

Blinks, you might find 'Why Love Matters How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain' by Sue Gerhardt helpful. It goes into how early childhood experiences shape adult behaviour.

blinks, that's kind of the point - you're not a doctor - maybe he just wants someone to say 'oh, that sounds rough/scary' rather than saying, 'see your GP'.

Have you ever come across that thing about men supposed to be more likely to come up with solutions when their partners just want someone to sympathise and listen? Actually I think it's just as likely for women to do this as men. you see it a lot on here - someone will post a sad story, people will respond with loads of straight advice and potential solutions, the person will post another chunk of sadness and reasons why they can't act, and the posters get exasperated that none of their lovely advice is being taken. Fact is the poster probably just wanted some 'poor you, sounds awful, what are you going to do?' posts.

What do you mean, treat him like a baby? Do you mean be nice to him ? I think it can be tough for HCPs to sympathise when they deal with such awful stuff. i know a palliative care nurse whose response to ordinary problems has been rather blunted due to the nature of her work! Do you get any support/debriefing in your work?

My dh has both mood and thought problems. When the problems are bad, he needs to ruminate endlessly over what he feels are the causes of his original breakdown 25 years ago. This can be somewhat wearing but he really really needs someone to be in the pain with him, rather than someone telling him how to deal with the pain - he gets that from doctors, and he knows how to make an appointment at the doctor's.

Sorry, i have really gone on.

Dealing with the illness first, I have been quite ill for the last week or so with a nasty gum infection and a very painful ulcer on my tongue.

It has made me tired, drained, cranky, irritable and short tempered.

Even the antibiotics took longer than I expected to kick in and IO have lost 4 lbs through hardly being able to eat.

Just becase someone "only" has an infection doesn't mean they don't feel like crap.

My OH has actually been working away this week but if all I had got from him was "see your GP" and got the impression that he didn't think I was "truly ill" then I would have bene extremely hurt and upset.

Now obviously I don't know exactly what you said to him but when you are ill you want a bit of TLC and babying from your partner. You want someone to sit you down and say "There there honey, you sit there and I'll make tea/make you a drink/get you a duvet/rub your feet" and put up with your crankiness, because you're ill and it's hard.

Having said that . . .

You don't give any details really of the sorts of things he is huffy about and what you said to him to make him huffy. I usually say with PMT that it's impossible to get PMT in a room by yourself. PMT comes on in (over)reaction to what someone else has done or said. Problems arise when Person B gets huffy over what Person A has said, and Person A doesn't think they said anything wrong, whereas Person B thinks that they have evry right to get huffy.

That's all about learning about people and their triggers. If your behaviour is bringing about certain responses in your OH then maybe you need to change your behaviour. It depends entirely on what he is getting huffy over.

You don't want to pander completely to him and subsume yourself to become some little Stepford Wifey, but maybe a few allowances could be made.

Give us some more examples and we can give a more informed opinion.

Perhaps a sweeping statement, but based on what you have written here, you sound worn out and pissed off with your dh.....and if you'll forgive me, a bit petulant yourself in response to posters who have answered your OP.

It seems you are (perhaps understandably), over-sensitive to this issue, so when it comes up, could it be possible you are less patient and more brusque than is called for because you're fed up? You say yourself that you over react to his over-reaction.

Not suggesting you should baby him or pander, but you seem very determined to make this problem his 'fault'.

When he next complains of being unwell, why not make him a cup of tea/run him a hot bath/etc? What would happen if you were loving, kind and sympathetic instead of agitated?

I am NOT suggesting this is your fault, btw, just wondering if a different response from you might cause a different reaction from him. At the very least, it could slow down the escalating bad feelings between you, and begin to put things on a more positive footing.

i can see how you'd think i'm unsympathetic from the OP. it's not how it is though. often i'll offer loads of sympathy, cups of tea etc but then it only takes saying the 'wrong thing' and that's it.... strop. i'm then accused of being unsympathetic even though i've left him in bed, brought him water, done all the housework etc etc etc.

lately i just can't summon the sympathy because chances are it'll be thrown back in my face.

the other day i stayed up till 2am with him going over an interview presentation for a new job. i gave very rough pointers, general encouragement and helped write his notes.

next day, his presentation went badly mainly because he hadn't timed it properly but apparently it was because he followed my advice to not ask more questions... i never said such a thing. i said not to ask too many so he seemingly asked one question and that was it. he never said it nastily but i felt so upset as i'd given him all that time and effort, cleaned his fucking shoes, made him a packed lunch, got his suit organised.

his mum was a bitch to him and it's like he's programmed to look for others to blame his misfortunes on... he apologised today for being moody but whoever said i'm worn down is right. i just can't summon much energy anymore.

Have you checked out the Narcissistic partner thread?

OK, this is weird. the way you describe your DH sounds EXACTLY like an ex-GF of mine, and the way you reacted sounds similar to how I did...

so basically I'm saying maybe you're being a bit too male about this - i.e. when he has a problem, you immediately offer a solution. he doesn't want a solution (I reckon) he just wants sympathy... it's bloody frustrating for sure having to listen to somebody moaning about their woes and to bite your tongue, but that's exactly what my ex wanted...

dead on MrIC.

i am quite male in that i offer solutions and only have so much time for 'woe is me'... it's fine for a but but then i think 'do something about it'.

and thanks everyone for your responses. i've read them all am grateful for all of them.