Really need to talk... about sex

[Ellelie]

Hi,

I don't want to talk about this, because I find it uncomfortable, but I really need some advice.

I've been with my partner for 5 years and we have a boy who's just turned 1. We love each other and him a lot and, despite work and money stresses, have a sweet, happy existence.

However, I've got to say that I'm really not fussed about having sex with him. To be honest, I find it a chore. And, obviously, he picks up on this and is unhappy about it. This morning, he brought it up again. He wanted to know why we're not at it all the time, in different positions, having amazing, exploratory sex.

There are a couple of things that could be contributing to my lack of interest. One, I still feel like I've only just had a baby (even though he's 1!) - although that is getting better. Two, when I had just had a baby (I'm talking 2 weeks in), I started getting pressure from my other half to have sex, which really stressed me out because I was constantly having to explain. And maybe I had sex without wanting to, to please him, I can't remember. But the fact that he was pestering about it a bit in the beginning (which he now acknowledges was bad) I think has really put me off and I think I'm still a bit angry about it and can't seem to get over it. Three, I wouldn't say I've ever been struck down with lust for my partner. It's always been fine - he's lovely, and we've had a good time together in that department (pre-baby), but it's never been the be all and end all to me. So now, when it seems less important than ever, I'm really struggling.

I just need some advice. You might all tell me that you're all at it like rabbits and couldn't wait to start having sex again after your babies. You might tell me that the fact I wasn't ever madly in lust with him is very bad and I was foolish to settle down with him. Or you might tell me this is all normal enough and that we can manage it in our relationship. I just really need someone else's perspective before I speak to my partner again about this....

Thanks very much

There's an almost identical thread here you might want to pitch into. I don't think this is uncommon, I certainly went right off it after dd was born!

Do you still love him and want to be with him? If you do, the most important thing you can do is tell him this, tell him that this isn't about him (as such), but that you are working it all out and may need his help to do this - when you ask for it. Explain to him that you are trying to sort it out and that you are listening to how he feels.

Then you must try to sort it out. You must speak to someone in RL who can help you work out why your feel like this, how you can get your libido back etc

Sex isn't the be-all and end-all - but for some people it is a fundamental part of being in a relationship and it's not fair to deny him this aspect of a relationship without doing your upmost to sort it out.

In the end, if you can't get your sexual feelings back for him you need to ask him if he is prepared to continue with your relationship and to understand if he says no.

Good luck x

I understand entirely what you're saying and very much doubt everyone out there is at it like rabbits and you certainly shouldn't ask him if he wants to walk or not. Our dc's are 10 and 7 now and we're down to about once a month so it's not childbirth to blame in my case, just tiredness, familiarity, complacency? I love my DH totally, we have a long and dramatic love story and waited years to be together. We always hold hands, even watching telly, are always loving and affectionate, I prefer his company to anyone else's, but I just can't get myself in the mood very often. So start with talking, telling him you love him, then small gestures, holding hands etc, then perhaps the 'dating' idea, leaving the babies out of it for a night or two, having dinner, plenty of wine (but not so you drop asleep), candles, soft music in the bedroom. I have a secret weapon, too, an erotic writer called Primula Bond who is published by Virgin and Xcite Books. She is intelligent, poetic, and very very naughty and sexy. I can certainly make it with my DH after reading one of her short stories! She has a new collection coming out on 1st April. Enjoy, and keep loving that man of yours.

Are you still breast feeding your baby? I found my libido increased once I had stopped breast feeding. My weight went down that bit more and I felt a lot more normal, energetic and like how I was pre-birth. Don't get me wrong, I loved bf my children, but felt much more like my old self when I stopped.