Thank you letters to Granparents DCs don't know?

[lisbey]

We haven't seen PIL of more than 5 years.

DS1 was 2.5 and DS2 6m. After many years of tension, they decided they wanted nothing more to do with us and DH decided life was easier without them, which it is, although I find that incredibly sad. Nothing I say can persuade him to get in touch, although I have tried to keep the lines of communication open by sending birthday & Christmas cards and photos.

To begin with PIL said rather than post presents for our DCs, they would open bank accounts and make deposits at birthday/Christmas, which was obviously their choice, although I never realy expected Dcs to see the money.

Then they started sending cash in the cards. To begin with, I sent thank you notes and paid the gifts into Dcs accounts, without Dcs being aware of it.

Now they're getting older, I feel they should know of their GPs existance and as they are aware of what's going in and out of their bank accounts, they should know the source and write their own thank you notes.

DH doesn't want DCs to have anything to do with them, but doesn't want to send the gifts back and cause "trouble". It's not about the cash - our children hardly go without and TBH wouldn't miss it if they didn't get it, but PIL would take huge offence if we sent it back.

So, on the basis that the Dcs keep it, should they write thank you letters even though they don't know the people they'll be writing to?

Yes, they should. Manners. You don't have to go into a big hoo-ha about the relationship, just ensure they learn to thank people for gifts.

They could always address the GPs by their first names, or Mr & Mrs XYZ, if that makes it easier for you and DH.

Yes, I think they should. I think it's more important to send thank-yoú's to people you don't see than those you do.

If their GPs care enough to send gifts, then you should care enough to thank them

DH's call, to my mind. They are his parents, presumably he has good reasons for not communicating, so he should make the judgement about whether to stir things up. I'm sure you teach your children 'manners' in other ways - if DH wants the status quo to remain the same you should respect that.

If they accept the money then yes, they should write a thank you letter.

If your DH doesn't want this to happen then he should return the money and ask his parents not to send the money again.

lisbey,

Do your cards etc receive any acknowledgement from your ILs?. If they do not, you have your answer really. And no, your children should not be writing thank you letters to people they do not know. Also your H does not want them to know them either with likely good reason.

Why exactly does your DH want your children to have nothing to do with them?. There are likely to be very good reasons as to why this is.

I guess you yourself came from a sort of family where such inherent family dysfunction was thankfully unknown and I can see why you have acted as you have done. Also they made the decision to cut contact (my guess too is that they did this to you before your H had the opportunity to cut them off). It is thus very difficult for you to deal with this as well because you being reasonable do want to keep the lines of communication open. However, if these people are "toxic" they do not play by the "normal" rules governing familial behaviours and your kindness can backfire. I would say you are now left with another problem because the moneies for your children have been accepted.

I feel that the money that is being sent to your children actually amounts to emotional blackmail. This money being sent to your children is not without condition or strings attached. In some ways it is a pity that the moneies have been accepted previously (for the above reason cited). When they first started to send it, it should have been returned. Let them take bloody offence!. Your DH needs to stand up to these people. Its not about the money really, its about them really wanting power and control over your children and by turn you. They can't get at you now as they decided to cut you off so they turn to the children instead.

People generally speaking don't cut contact with parents on a whim; all this was going on long before you came onto the scene and he had reached his own point of no going back. This argument is primarily between him and his parents and I don't think it will get solved at all easily.

You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. It may give you further insight into how and why such people act as they do.

HI Attila, I only just come back to this thread and wanted to thank you for your response.

ILs don't acknowledge just a card, but if I send photos they do email DH to say thanks.

I really don't know. They are definitely very difficult people to deal with and seem to think their DCs "owe" them for all the sacrifices they made to bring them up, but DHs basically has happy memories of a childhood very similar to mine. #

I think MIL (and poss FIL too) suffers from depresion TBH, but you'd never get either of them to accept that, to seek help.

MIL lost her (adoptive) mum at 14 and was estranged from her (adoptive) father for the last 10+ years of his life, so she never really had parents as an adult...She also has a lot of issue because of her adoption IMO, but I can't solve them for her.

My kids get presents from family friends they don't know but i still send thank you card. Do some people really expect thankyou cards to be acknowledged? Do you then acknowledge the acknowledgement? When does all this toing anf froing stop?
If you or your kids accept a present from someone you should say thankyou, either in person, by phone or by letter. One method is enough, don't get people who thank someone for a present and also send a letter.
For me the "thank you" in whatever form is the end of the transaction.
If you don't want to send a card or say thank you then you shouldn't accept the presnet, not that it's really your present to refuse.

You are right, you cannot solve any of the issues your MIL has about being adopted, but that doesn't mean you should not at least acknowledge the fact that she sends gifts/money to your children. From your most recent post, it seems that she didn't have a good role model of what a family could be and therefore, she is putting different expectations on her children because she has nothing upon which to base her actions and expectations. You cannot solve that and I don't doubt she is difficult andthat your DH has made the correct decision for him to break contact. As Attila says, that course of action is rarely taken on a whim. However, your DH has been very wrong to allow them to continue to send gifts etc as there may be an expectation on their part of the possibility of a reconciliation. If your DH is adamant that this will not happen, he must return all future gifts etc with a letter explaining his reason. It really is not fair to allow them to keep sending gifts which he and you accept on behalf of the children but do not have the basic good manners to acknowledge.

sayithowitis - all the gifts have been acknowledged, by me. My question related to whether the DCs should do it themselves now they are older (were only 2yo & 6mo) last time we saw PIL. They are not really aware of the PILs existence

Sorry Lisbey, misunderstood.

FWIW, I do think that if the gifts are being accepted and they are old enough to write a note themselves, they should do so. At the least you will be reinforcing the good manners that you are teaching them, and there are many children who don't see various relatives but still do letters etc. Mine always did whenever they received gifts from people they didn't see, whether that was because of distance or a damaged relationships between the adults concerned.

I'd ask the 6 year old to sign his/her name. The 2 year old is too young.

I misread that. I see now they are 7 and 5, the ages they were when they last saw the rellies is irrelevent re writing letters. I'd get the youngest to sign name and the eldest to write a couple of sentences

I think it all hinges on why your DH doesn't want to see them. I have read your post about their backgrounds, which is very sad, but it depends on how this impacted on your DH.

The problem here is that if they are toxic, contact of any kind will be seen by them as a 'way back in' to your family. As Atilla said in her post, dysfunctional people do not respond in the same way as 'normal' people so if you try to play fair with them they will simply use your fairness and sense of duty and politeness to manipulate you. Unfortunately, by accepting the money in the past you have set yourself up with the difficulties you now have.

It is unlikely - once they receive letters from your children - that they will leave things as they are (ie with them sending gifts and your children replying). As they can no longer manipulate your DH, they will start to try to manipulate your children instead, probably by sending letters at first.

Personally, if your husband has no intention of having any contact with them in the future and feels that they would be a toxic influence on your children, then I think it would be best just to return the money to them, regardless of any fuss it may cause. Otherwise you could end up a few years down the line with stroppy teenagers in touch with toxic grandparents, which is a dangerous combination.

Once they are adults it will be up to your children whether they form a relationship with their grandparents, but while they are children it is up to you to put their needs first and protect them if needs be. They chose to cut contact after all and have made no attempt to see your children, so really the sending of money is just a conscience soother on their part and not really any indication of love of care.

The thing is that a) we don't know whether the GPs are 'toxic'. The Op has chosen to keep details private ( fair enough IMO) and b) The OPs DH and the OP have already allowed the GPs to give gifts and have acknowledged them on behalf of the children, so it is no longer a case of 'do we allow contact', but ' do we stop contact' and that would have to include the OPs DH returning any and all future gifts with a brief note explaining that no future contact will be allowed. Subsequent attempts at contact should then be returned unopened.

I guess in the end it is down to whether the OPs DH can make that break as at the moment he seems happy to leave it to the OP to have contact rather than to cause 'huge trouble'. This sounds quite unreal to me. The decision has already been made to have no contact, what 'huge trouble' would going one step further cause?