struggling with life after abusive ex

[paddysgirl]

I left my ex husband when I was 3 months pg as he was abusive and put the pg at risk. He went on to make serious threats towards myself and DD resulting in him being charged with harassment. Since then he's decided that he does actually want to see DD. We've been through a lengthy court battle and he's currently going through CBT which will be re-assessed on a yearly basis and which he needs to complete before he gets contact. The most frustrating thing for me right now is that the legal system seems to be geared around HIS human rights, despite it being him who's caused all the problems. I have had to give up work because due to the tax credits I would receive, even working 16 hours a week in a basic wage job would take me over the threshold for Legal Aid. If I choose to work I have to find £200 an hour for my solicitor plus court costs.

Apart from that I've had to withdraw my DD from her nursery because I can't afford it anymore, which has meant that I've had to give up the voluntary work I was doing as I can't take DD with me. This was my only 'me' time and I really loved going. I've also been really struggling on benefits with debts I was paying off but now can't even manage the minimum payment anymore and all the time I'm having to read the letters he sends which go from laughing at how nice his life is and how he's going on lovely holidays this summer to being downright nasty and insulting to me.

I am trying to stay positive and looking for ways our of the mess. I'm setting up a support group for other mums in my area who've been through dv situations and I'm looking to apply to uni for next year but even that could be difficult as it's a full time course so I believe I'll lose my benefits. In the meantime I feel so lonely and that everything that possibly can go wrong in my life is going wrong and the only thing that gets me through each day is DD. I just don't know how much more I can take. All I want to do is get on with my life and raise DD in the best way I can.

I'd love to hear from anyone who's been through a similar situation or just anyone really. Thank you for reading!

Does he contribute to the DD financially in any way?

Maybe you should mosey over to the NPD thread part 2 here in Relationships. Your ex's nasty letters sound like there's something in his personality that's decidedly 'off'.

Sending you best wishes at any rate. It's great to stay positive and make plans. Maybe when your DD gets a bit older you'll find you have a bit more flexibility and time for your own future, as she will go off to school. It's hard when you have the LO to take care of and are being so squeezed by senseless regulations, misguided pro-men public policy, as well as a nasty ex.

Thanks for your reply. Yes at the moment he is paying maintenance through the CSA but he cut his hours down to minimum so he only pays the minimum amount and he's only paying that because he thinks he's going to see her at the end of the year. I'm really not sure how he'll take it when he realises this may not be the case.

And yes, he has been assessed as having a personality 'defect' which is combined with anger issues.

It's not so much that I've had to give up these things for DD but that it's because of him. I feel like even now he's controlling me and I've had to give up so much in order to protect my DD whilst he lives a comfortable, secure life. It's so frustrating! I will definitely look through the NPD thread. Thanks again.

It is very frustrating to see him getting away with all of that. If it's any consolation, you can hold your head high knowing you're the best parent a DD could have, and also knowing that you'll make a better life for her and for yourself, while he'll remain a miserable twat for the rest of his life. Just too bad you'll have to deal with him until he loses interest in making your life miserable and gloms onto someone else.

I think you are doing remarkably well. The loneliness will pass with time and, I know it's tiring, but stay as positive as you are. You really, really are doing well.

I wish he would be he's now got a criminal record and he's ugly as sin so there's not much hope lmao. Sorry, couldn't resist!

I think you should try the CAB for advice on your financial/legal situation - they are really really good. They can help you with the debts. Since you are on benefits they can act as your third party and negotiate the minimum payments down.