What should I do?

[M08]

I have been married for 3 years and have a daughter who is the most beautiful, most cherished little girl i can ever imagine. She is 21 months old now and i would never change a things about her. The problem is that i have an irresponsible, gambling husband who is nothing like the man i married. He lost his job in January due to him being utterly irresponsible. He has gambled away every penny that I have, to the point that we are have serious credit problems,and have had to give notice on our lovely flat. With nowhere else to go as I have no money to move at all, i am supposed to be moving out on Friday (26th March). To make matters worse i have found out that i am expecting a baby in October. I have fallen pregnant by mistake. I am alsmost 12 weeks now and have not enjoyed a single day of my pregnancy and just want to cry all the time. I feel completely trapped with no one to turn to. I feel like i want to leave my husband and i think i would if i wasn't pregnant! But i also look at my daughter and know that she is amazing and that she would love to have a younger sibling to grow up with.
I am worried about being on my own with two children. But am also considering ending my marriage and ending my pregnancy but am unsure how i will feel years down the line knowing that my daughter could have had a brother or sister. What on earth do i do? Does anyone have any advice at all? I feel really alone

You have a lot on your plate don't you .

do you have family you can stay with?

has your DH admitted he has screwed up financially and will get help?

Hi Thanks for taking the time to reply. If i went back to my family i would feel like a complete idiot. They have always reminded me that we rushed into things when we met, ( we were together for a year and then got married) and they have always dissaproved. I guess they were right. If i went home i think i'd feel worse.

Yes my H has admitted to scrwing up financially, but he has admitted this before and i feel that sorry is just an excuse now that has worn very thin.

Tell your H he must either seek professional help for his gambling or leave the family home. And stick to it: if he won;t get help, he has to go, because otherwise he will drag you down. Get some good legal/practical advice from the CAB about separating your finances from his, and some support (start with your GP) on living with an addict, which is awful for anyone to have to put up with.
But please bear in mind that you can't cure your husband's addiction, he has to do it himself, and you HAVE TO separate yourself from him if he won't do anything to help himself. Don't cover up for him, either. It's HIS FAULT and HIS PROBLEM, now you need to put yourself and your DC first. Best of luck.

Thanks for your advice. problem is i have no family home as off friday for him to leave. But yes i think you are very right, i think his issues have dragged me down enough and i cannot believe how good my life was before compare to now. i feel completely cornered, and unbelievably dissapointed that he has let me and my daughter down so badly. i think the only way he is going to learn is for him to be on his own for a while and get control of himself. Any one got any advice about my baby situation? i am so confused with my emotions here.

Of course, we don't know your situation with your family, but you may be surprised by their reaction if you ask for their help?

My Dsis married someone that none of the family liked (who was also a gambler as it happens) and when they finally split up, nearly 2 years ago, they helped her move out and get her own place with her daughter and they've never ever said, "I told you so".

Is it worth a shot? It would give you some space away from your H and maybe some time to consider your options.

Obviously only you know how you think your family may react, but sometimes families can really surprise you. They may well just be grateful that you've seen the light, if that's the way you feel now?

Good luck, I really hope that you get the advice you need.

You will not look an idiot if you turn to your family. We all know how blind love can be and many of us have fallen for the wrong man at some point.

Give your family the chance to offer you support and love, it will be good for you and for your dcs too.

Your family may have given you a hard time in the past, but I think when times get hard most families always rally around. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose, and they may surprise you with their support. Call them, and explain, and see if they'll help out.

Its very complicated. my parents have major marital problems too and its a very negative environment at the moment. One of which i feel i have contributed to with my rash decision making.
I haven't even told them i am pregnant either.

I know that my family would be devastated if they thought i couldn't turn to them, but i just feel ridiculous with an unplanned pregnancy to add to this awful situation.

Any chance that your unplanned pregnancy could actually change things for the better for your family? Sometimes an event like can sometimes make people feel differently about situations?

Just a thought...

hugs to you M08

please don't feel embarrassed about telling your parents. even if they are having their own problems, they are still your parents and should be there for you. TBH, if things are so bad with this man, they're going to find out sooner or later, don't pretend everything's ok for their sake. you and DD/baby being happy is the most important thing and they will realise that, even if they are angry/upset at first they will get over it!

Yes I have thought about that too. And i do wonder if this other baby might help things, but then everyone always says that babies don't mend broken relationships, they only add more strain.

i am worried about how i will cope with another baby if this situation with my husband continues bulldozing his way through life.

i feel sure that if i wasn't pregnant right now, i would just leave my husband, go home, go back to work full time and concentrate on raising my daughter. but i'm so scared to make that decision. i'm not sure i am brave enough to end my pregnancy.

You can't stay with him because of what people might say.

You need to get on the phone tonight/tomorrow to everyone and anyone who might be able to help as you have one more day and then you have to move out.

What is your H doing to try and find somewhere for you all to live?

I know my parents should be there for me, i almost feel guilty for laying something else on them though.

i feel as though i should be the grown women that i am and sort out my own problems now.

Hi M08 - you sound so very low and are being far too hard on yourself

Look at your gorgeous DD - imagine she was in your situation in 30 years time - would you want her to struggle on her own or would you want her to turn to you?

Everyone, no matter what age they are needs help sometimes.

Ditch the guilt and phone them and your friends and lean on people to help you through this.

MO8 - I have a grown up DD and I can tell you that I will never withdraw support on the basis that she's a grown up now and should be fighting her own battles. That's just not how it works. Don't feel guilty at all - one day you might be helping out your DD when she's older.

Please go and ask your parents for help. People love a project of this kind and they will support you. Take any criticism in stride -- they have a right to their opinions, but don't stay in the situation you're in, tied to someone who will land you and two children on the street, literally, out of fear of what other people might think or say.

And dump the loser. You are far better without him and so are your DCs, unless he commits to long term treatment and change, which has not happened up to now even with family responsibilities and the threat of losing your home staring him in the face.

Don;t feel guilty about dumping the man, bin him straight away and tell everyone you have had to bin him as he is a compulsive gambler. No one will blame you and everyone will be sympathetic, but you have to distance yourself from him. The minute he's gone you will start feeling better.

don't throw any more years away on this man who seems ok to gamble you all out onto the street

your pride is your problem here

admit you made a mistake and ask for help

for your daughter's and your unborn baby's sake, if not for your own

Af is very wise!

Thanks everyone for your comments, believe me this has been exactly the kind of stuff i have needed to hear.

OP I also have a grown up daughter who mostly fights her own battles but I agree with Hassled I will NEVER withdraw support from her so please tell your family.