Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friday is D-Day for my marriage - Apparently!

29 replies

EmmaKateLouise · 24/03/2010 13:36

My husband as not been happy for a few months now but he can't (won't?) say why. He says he doesn't know how he feels etc etc
Anyway, I've told him he has to think about it and we are going to have "talk" on friday about it!!
We have discussed it a few times before and he always says that if we were to split he would go so the children stayed settled in their house. Fair enough, but problem is... we part own and share our house with HIS parents!! So I'd be left with HIS family!! Yes, I get along with them but that is just ridiculous!
So I know on friday he's going to suggest he leaves for a temp split and see how it goes. I want the children to be happy but I DO NOT want to live with HIS parents without him there!!
Oh god! It's such a mess. I never ever thought it would end up like this.
The worst thing is he has yet to tell me where it's all gone wrong!! I think we struggle sometimes, fight a little but nothing huge. I believe we could weather this storm and come out stronger on the other side. He has changed and now isn't happy. Why can't things just go back to how they were?!?!
Sorry, just need to write it down and maybe realise I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Aviendha · 24/03/2010 14:20

So sorry

Perhaps you could seek advice so you know exactly where you stand before Friday?

You might feel you are on firmer ground if you have talked it threw with a soliciter.

skinnyhinny · 24/03/2010 15:18

Hmm that's a tricky one. I know he says he doesn't want to make the kids leave their home but is there not somewhere you could go instead?

kickassangel · 24/03/2010 15:55

hmm, it sounds like he likes the idea of family life, but not the effort it requires of him - you can all live happily together, and he will pop in for visits? maybe i'm being harsh.

why don't you suggest that you move out, get a flat v close by, & he can stay with his parents & kids. After all, if it's the marriage he isn't happy with, that would resolve the issue. my bet is, that it's also the pressure of kids, parents, house etc. well, tough. he can't walk away from that responsibility & needs to grow up & accept it.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/03/2010 16:01

Go and get some legal advice before Friday so that you know exactly where you stand. And if he suggests something that is the opposite of the advice you have been given and doesn't suit you, you will know that he is trying to pull some kind of fast one over you.
AS KAA says, it sounds like he basically wants his 'family' in a box - with you doing all the hard domestic work and him getting to pop in and be fussed over by the DC and probably get a meal cooked for him etc, when he wants, while he spends the rest of his time doing exactly what he wants. WHich may well include pursuing other women for sex.

mathanxiety · 24/03/2010 17:11

What SGB says.

Or would you all benefit by moving out and away from his parents? That strikes me as a recipe for an attitude of permanent childhood and childishness on the part of your H.

ItsGraceAgain · 24/03/2010 19:39

Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Just to boot you while you're down I wouldn't be overly surprised if he's started seeing someone else, or is thinking of it. What it boils down to is that he wants you, DCs & parents all sitting nicely at home, waiting for him to try something new before deciding whether to stick with what he's got - or not

I think you need to point out that he's already made this decision & he either sticks to his choice or bails out. I also think you should check out your financial & legal options ... and discuss it with his parents.

This is just not on. I'm sorry he's acting like an idiot, please don't think you have to play it his way!
Good luck.

PrettyFeckinVacant · 24/03/2010 20:51

I'm afraid I agree with Grace

My H was just like this. Feeling sorry for himself, saying he wasn't happy but not being too specific about why.

Turns out the reason why was a 29 yr old hungarian

I truly hope that isn't the same for you.

lucky1979 · 25/03/2010 08:56

He's being very arrogant, expecting you to wait until Friday to hear about what HE has decided will happen with YOUR life. So you'll be dancing to his tune, on his schedule and he sounds like he hasn't even considered the possibility that you might have your own thoughts and opinions. That's not healthy and says to me that he doesn't have any interest in working with you to fix things, as he doesn't consider their being any point hearing your thoughts about the situation.

Get the legal advice, but also have a good think about what options you do have - do you work? Could you and the children rent somewhere? If it becomes a proper seperation following a trial seperation surely you'll have to move out then anyway, might it not be best to bite the bullet and move sooner rather than later? How old are your children?

Just be prepared that if he is swanning in expecting to tell you exactly how it will go, he won't appreciate you having your own ideas and may become unpleasant. Also suspect there is an OW in there somewhere, and part of the reason he wants you to stay where you are is because he can't bring an OW back to his parents house while you're having a trial seperation.

Original poster
EmmaKateLouise · 25/03/2010 09:08

I had it out with my husband yesterday! I was extremely naughty and hacked his facebook, I saw some chat messages he was having with someone (a family "friend") and I let rip with him.

The messages were basically this:

Husband: Why are you not feeling worrying about what you were worrying about before? (note: "friend" has been having problems in her relationship too, but only my husband knows about them, until now! And also lots of stress organising her brothers wedding)
Friend: I don't know why
Husband: I just want to know what makes you tick
Friend: Well you should spend more time with me (not just making out) to get to know me.
Husband: Well that's what I'll do then
Friend: It's the only way as I can't put it into words.

I blew my top at the mention of "not just making out"! I confronted him. We talked/yelled for ages. Eventually he confessed ther was a drunken kiss between them on NYE. We talked about it and he has sworn that that is all that happened. I said I should leave. He begged me not to. We talked a lot again.
We are going to put it behind us and try to move on. I truely believe it was just a drunken kiss and no more and he is going to stop all unneccesary contact with her.
I feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And am surpirsed by how much my intuition was right!
I know it's by no means an ideal situation but I do believe he loves me and I feel safe in the knowledge that he has chosen to be with me. He no longer wants to break up, as he can see how much he is going to lose by doing it. We are going to try and work this out. And if everything fails and he cheats again or something, then I have enough ammunition to blow his family apart, and he knows it!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/03/2010 18:24

oh dear

I don't want to piss on your parade, but how has he "chosen" to be with you ?

I don't expect you want to hear this, but you are being very, very naive

he has been caught, so gone into damage limitation mode

he has told you the minimum he can get away with...do you really believe a drunken kiss is the explanation for that communication between them ?

I don't

your life, of course, but I am sorry to say, I think you will be back here in 6 months (or less) time with yet more "revelations" to deal with

all this angst, and drama, and hurt...and you roll over so easily ?

again, oh dear

I wish you all the luck in the world x

Doha · 25/03/2010 18:35

Anyfucker speaks very wisely-- as always

mathanxiety · 26/03/2010 00:13

EmmaKateLouise, he is still lying to you. And now he knows you have hacked into his FB he will take the cheating underground.

Monty100 · 26/03/2010 00:22

EKL - get yourself out of there. With your dignity intact.

I'm otherwise speechless.

ItsGraceAgain · 26/03/2010 00:42

Oh, oh, AF I'm so glad you said that!!

I was agonising, thinking "if it were my sister ..." (I'd say it); if it were a work colleague .. I prolly wouldn't; just make sure on the Being There front.

I agree, OP. It's up to you and all that. Give us a shout if it all goes tits-up ...

... But it is tits-up. You're not even asking for a full investigation as to how come he feels it's OK to put your entire family set-up in jeopardy, never mind whether it's all right by you. I'm very happy you feel like the weight has gone from your shoulders. But I suspect it's merely shifted.

Stand up for yourself! Please?

SolidGoldBrass · 26/03/2010 09:46

I don't like the sound of this, either. He's manoevering you into the position where, every time you don't feel like sucking his cock, or you're a bit late with dinner or haven't ironed the right shirt or something, he will start wistfully looking off into the distance and saying things like 'There;s something missing in my life, I don't know if I really love you', then sit back and watch you work yourself into a frenzy trying to please him.
If ever you';re in a situation where a partner is threatening to leave and fannying around about when The Decision Will Be Made, the only thing to do is make the decision for him/her and say 'Go, then, because I only want a partner who is with me 100% willingly and I've had enough of your dithering.'

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/03/2010 09:47

Emma probably like others, when I read your first post, my first thought was "there is an OW".

Your language is very revealing. You described yourself as "very naughty" for looking at his Facebook. That's not "naughty" - that's eminenently sensible given that you were waiting for a death knell on your marriage and you couldn't understand why.

Come on, you don't really believe this tale do you? Your H has done the classic thing of only admitting to what you can prove. A drunken kiss on New Year's Eve does not induce the sort of moody unhappiness you've been dealing with and it certainly doesn't bring about talks of ending the marriage.

Delaying talking till Friday is also deeply manipulative, controlling behaviour. Sadly it seems as though you are so delighted that he doesn't want to end the marriage, you are prepared to overlook admitted infidelity (even an emotional affair and kissing is infidelity, you know) and move on, without any more digging.

There is a whole load of stuff that you don't know and brushing this under the carpet will never solve your problems.

mathanxiety · 26/03/2010 13:49

Amen, SGB, and WWIFN. He has you where he wants you, EKL.

Aviendha · 26/03/2010 14:55

"Well you should spend more time with me (not just making out) to get to know me."

This doesnt sound singular to me, it sounds plural. To my ear, and on re-reading it again it sounds like a relationship than a NYE snog.

Can I suggest again that you line up your defences and plan your campaign, just in case? Go to the free half hour at the solicitors and get advice. Arm yourself and it will make you feel stronger and help you deal with what may come next. If I am wrong and it never happens you will still be that little bit stronger anyway, which is no bad thing. Especially as you have the complicated situation of living with in laws.

teaandcakeplease · 26/03/2010 15:05

Some marriage counselling with Relate is an idea if he is serious about working things out.

I think he's probably not being entirely honest with you still as well. This book has helped me a lot in the revelation of my husbands affair and maybe worth a read. It was only after I started to read it and realise how little my husband had told me and what I should expect from him that I started to lay down some boundaries etc.

I think the idea of you moving out into a flat or something is a good idea, if you can manage it financially. Not him moving out. Some space would be a good thing right now. Might help to focus his mind a bit more too! But I appreciate it may not be possible though, this must be a very awkward situation for you living with the in laws in this situation

mathanxiety · 26/03/2010 15:34

Aviendha, I think so too. He is very involved with and interested in this woman.

Lemonylemon · 26/03/2010 15:48

He's lying, he's lying, he's lying..... Pants on fire....

I second, third (or however far down the list I am) what AF, SGB, Math, Grace and everyone else has said.

Warning bells are clanging loudly!

AnyFucker · 26/03/2010 16:16

EmmaKateLouise...

are you still around ?

skinnyhinny · 27/03/2010 19:46

So...it's Saturday now...what happened?

TheCrackFox · 27/03/2010 20:02

Drunken kiss? My arse.

He has claimed he still wants to be with you but might be playing for time so his OW is in a position to leave her partner.

Get legal advice now. You may not ever have to use it but knowledge is power. If you are a SAHM look into getting back into work.

On a further note he has proven that he likes toying with your emotions so you really need to look into getting his parents living in a different address. What if he leaves and his parents are infirm? He will be off having his fun whilst you are wiping your DCs bums and his parents. No fucking way.

sayithowitis · 27/03/2010 20:42

Since his parents share ownership of the property with Op and her H, I doubt she can reasonably expect them to move out!

Swipe left for the next trending thread