Need help getting through this...

[scarlotti]

Have posted a few times on here about my marriage. DH does very little - he calls it being laid back, I call it lazy. I wondered if he was passive aggressive and posted this thread WWIFN gave some very insightful advice.
It would seem as though whilst to the outside world I am in control, he is subtly controlling what's going on and likes to make out all the issues are my fault.

We went to relate last night for the first time. He said his lack of financial responsibility was down to the fact I earn more and so he felt he couldn't have any responsibility. He said that he doesn't do things because he feels he can't do them to my standards (I didn't realise my standards were high, you should see the state of the house). He said he would be happy if I stopped moaning. We initially were going to do with sex life issues and he was a bit annoyed that we didn't cover that, and didn't see why unhappiness in the relationship should be addressed first.

She suggested we sit down and work out who's responsible for what, he thinks that's a daft idea but after denigrating it all evening then said we ought to do it - I suspect so that next week he can say he was willing to do it.

I'm not happy but DD is due to do her gcse's this summer so feel I ought to stay until they're over. We have two DS' between us (4 and 4months). I said life is easier when he's not around as then I don't look at him resenting what he's not doing, but get on with it and life is much lighter. He thought that was ridiculous.

Not sure why I'm posting ... some virtual hand holding maybe? Any insightful replies ... although appreciate it's hard to know the ins and outs from my limited posts.
DS2 crying so will have to cut this short.
TIA.

Hope you don't mind me adding a comment here scarlotti. xxx

It strikes me that you're spending a lot of time thinking about the after effects (sp?) of deciding to separate - daughter's exams, finances, son starting school, equity in house etc. I appreciate that this would be monumental in your family's life, but surely all this planning etc should wait and you focus all your energies and thoughts in the interim on working on the relationship and the Relate sessions.

I think most men don't react well to an 'i'm not happy, we need to take a close look at our relationship' situation as they don't cope well with being under scrutiny. Your other half is participating in the sessions though, and his text acceptance of the therapist understanding his issues suggests that he is taking this very seriously and is starting to accept he has faults and there are things he could be doing differently, even if that wasn't his initial response.

Don't give up on it too soon. The counselling could work, you know.

DWB - post away, am grateful for any advice

Whilst I am planning a lot for what might happen, I am also giving the relate sessions my full energies. Sadly dh and I have been here many times before and have been through counselling before, and nothing has changed, so I do need to have some idea of what would need to happen should nothing change.

He does accept he has faults, and that I'm unhappy. It's whether he feels he needs to change that is in question. After the first session he said he'd be happy if I just stopped moaning. He would happily just carry on with the status quo indefinately, from what I can tell, which I would not. He benefits from life as is, as I'm the one doing all the work.

It would be great if the counselling did work but I am still sceptical as to whether his is willing or able to do the work on himself needed to turn this around.
He talks a good talk but his actions say otherwise.

I didn't realise you'd been here before. Last chance saloon then? I agree with other posts about making sure he is aware of this.

I really hope he turns things around. x

PS I've heard people say it's not sensible to end a relationship during the first two years with a new baby. This is something I thought about when DP & I were struggling, mainly due to sleep deprivation and me feeling that I wasn't being given enough help with DS. Do you think this is a factor and could the situation change when your baby is older?

DWB - am sure the sleep thing doesn't help, but there's never been any extra help or support. I just feel it more with a baby as I have less energy to carry everyone. Previous experience after DS1 was born shows that it won't change of it's own accord, will be interesting to see if he changes once he knows for sure the severity of how I feel.

Well we had a good talk last night about things but I feel awful today now.
DH said he felt better for speaking as he'd got a lot off his chest, he feels that he's made lots of changes but that I haven't met him halfway. He thinks that his added confidence from being on the AD's has meant that I am getting more annoyed that we're not doing things my way, and suggested it might not be the benefit that I had hoped.
I said that I didn't want things my way, that I want us to work as a team. I told him I can't carry on like this.
We talked all around this for a while and his conclusion is that maybe his issues of self esteem/self respect etc. are causing problems. He likened it to me buying goods and then finding out they're damaged once I'd thrown away the reciept.
He said he felt guilty for thinking that he might have to do work on himself as it would be costly in both time and money.
It's left me feeling like I've been given a death sentence in some respects.
Why can't I have a DH that has some get up and go, that wants to work as a team and wants to live life. I can't take much more of this, it's all too much for one person to carry. I'm thinking of suggesting a trial separation after DD finishes her gcse's and if he wants to use that to work through his issues with himself then great, but I can't take the added pressure of what his 'working through things' will bring. It's hard enough bringing up 3 dc's with little support, without adding in supporting a grown man through what will no doubt be a very introspective and selfish period.
That sounds awful doesn't it.

We've been here before too, we've had talks where he's got things off his chest and thought he needs to work on things and then nothing happens. Almost as if the getting things off his chest has lightened his load and then he thinks there's nothing to sort iyswim.

scarlotti I think time will tell. Do you feel as though he appreciates the severity of the situation? Unfortunately I think you have to accept that you can't persuade him to be the partner you want and need, as you want him to be an equal, not just someone doing your bidding. If you're happy that he knows how you feel, I think you now need to step back and let him either continue with the status quo or start making things better. When are your daughter's exams?

Sorry that last night has made you feel worse. Hope you have a better day today xx

You're right and that was the conclusion I was coming to this morning. He does understand the severity I think as I said a few times I cannot carry on like this.
He has a session on his own with the counsellor on Tues so will be interesting to see what happens there.
It is now as you say, a waiting game until July as that's when exams are over. If there is any change in the interim then I will re-evaluate then.