I just want to have a moan and a rant and rave

[Monadami]

I hate my OH's family, they are a bunch of liberty taking spongers, who think he is responsible for them.

When I met him he was still living with his Mother. It appears when his father was alive, he bank rolled my OH's younger brother, when he died the brother seemed to think my OH should take on that role.

For years my OH paid his brother's Girlfriend's mortgage and paid him thousands for nothing. He also paid alot of his mother's bills and vet bills, even though she has assets worth thousands, which she could sell for an easier life.

His loser brother, who seems to be a Walter Mitty character, thinks he's more than he really is. He has no money, never has, yet has booked a £3K holiday for his family. My OH said he will not be paying for it, but I know he needs to pay off for the holiday before he goes and has only paid £200. He sent my OH a text the other day, claiming his Partner's house was going to be repossessed if they don't pay £400 per week for 8 weeks. That works out roughly to the cost of his holiday, so seems he's trying to scam money from my OH to pay for his unattainable holiday. In 3.5 years, I have never had a holiday with my OH.

Then there's his brother's ex, with whom he has a teenage daughter. About a year ago her daughter, OH's Niece wanted to go on an expensive school trip away. Her mother couldn't afford it, so my OH gave them alot of the money towards the trip. Anyway, the mother met a man and decided to move away, so her daughter was taken out of the school, before the trip. I've since heard she has had the money refunded to her, but has just pocketed it.

When it's the teenage Niece's birthday or at Christmas, her mother will text my OH and demand what she wants from him for her daughter. None of them consider that he may be struggling and he now has his own child to support. They just all take and take and think it's their right. OH couldn't afford much last Christmas, so the niece got nothing. I was so shocked when her mother sent OH a text, with her bank details, so he could pay some money into her account.

I'm contsantly nagging at my OH about him letting them take advantage of him. As far as I'm concerned his main priority should be our son. They all disgust me, always winging how they're broke and can't manage. The thing that annoyed me the most was his brother used my OH's business creditcard to buy porn off the internet and has used it to join a sex dating site, without OH's permission. He's always using the business card for his own use, when it's only supposed to be used for fuel (he works for OH)

I just wish I could eradicate the lot of them from my life for good.

Rant over, thanks x

What's his take on all of this? Does he resent them, or think it's normal? Do you feel like he and you are on the same team here?

It sounds terrible, poor you.

Hi Tortoise, I think he knows they are all liberty takers and needs to get tough on them, but I guess after years of being their personal ATM machine, he needs to break the habit.

At Christmas, he couldn't really afford to buy our baby anything much and then this woman sends him her daughter's bank details, practically demanding money. She's done this before, as her ex, OH's brother can never afford to pay maintenance for their daughter, so he just tells her OH will give her the money. The blind cheek of them all.

I definitely feel like an outsider and that we are not his priority. He even bought his brother a van recently, yet I have to use public transport with the baby.

Last year a couple of months before baby was born I had problems with OH, plus my Mother died, none of his family gave me any support, it was all for him, yet he was in the wrong. I guess I still feel bitter about the way I feel I was treated by them all.

"He even bought his brother a van recently, yet I have to use public transport with the baby."

Yeah, wow, that is really not alright. I think you need to get tough on him yourself, actually. Do you have joint accounts? Can you be the gatekeeper of the money for a while, so that they have to come through you rather than him?

Er, sorry, did you actually want any advice here? I can do sympathetic listening instead, obviously.

No, Tortoise, we don't have a joint account. Although I'm on Maternity Leave, I fortunately have some income from properties I rent out. I can't say I know much about his finances as he doesn't really tell me much, just that his business is struggling.

I actually wonder if there is something wrong with him, as over the last year or so, he's become an absolute doormat. I try to take control of things, but he gets shirty. For instance, he says he has no money yet he has a property he "rents" out, but the tenant has lived there rent free for 2 years, owing in excess of £20K. Everytime I ask him to contact the tenant, (I emailed him myself earlier) he gets very irate. With a baby, surely he should be more financially responsible?

I think if I was giving someone in my position advice, I'd probably suggest they left, so guess I'm just looking for a virtual shoulder to cry on.

He doesn't sound like a doormat at all. Not if he's getting 'very irate' and 'shirty' at you all the time, and you don't know anything about his finances, and he doesn't help support you while you're on ML.

He sounds like he's taking total advantage of you, actually. And the tenant story sounds really fishy.

As far as finances go, he doesn't directly give me any money. I don't pay any bills and rarely contribute towards anything, except the Sky TV and License. He tends to pay for everything for the baby too, so any money I have coming in, goes towards my personal outgoings, mortgages etc. I do think it's a bit much he's given the layabout brother a Creditcard, but I don't have one. He talks of opening a joint bank account, but it's not happened yet.

I was also very suspicious about his Tenant and did wonder if it was some woman he'd installed in the property, so he could go round for a leg over. I've seen the texts from this tenant where "he" has been asking what OH wants to do about the rental income and what account he should pay arrears into. OH just ignores him, never replies. I did ask him, if the Tenant had something on him or if they had a "special" arrangement and he said no and that he was a sitting tenant when he purchased the property from his friend.

Whenever I tell him he's taking advantage of me and that his family are his main priority, he denies this is true. I keep telling him actions speak louder than words and he needs to shape up.

why dont you just go round to the property and find out if its a he or a she.

also... before Mat leave.. did you contribute financially to the household?

Alarm bells ringing here.

He puts his family's needs before that of you and your DC

He refuses to discuss finances or deal with Tenant.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and ask him to get his priorities staright and offload this toxic family's financial drain.

If he doesn't well as you say actiions speak louder than words.

I would be out the door.

It all sounds awful.
Problem is that people can only be taken advantage off if they allow others to do so.

Why would you pay a mortgage that isn´t in your name?

Sorry, he needs to prioritise.

I wouldn´t want a joint account with him tbh-unless he pays in & you can takeout but don´t pay in iyswim.

Thanks everyone, having a moan has made me feel a bit better.

I didn't ever contribute to the household, except for odds and sods. The house belongs to him, I moved out of my home into his and he would never let me contribute, I guess incase I left I'd have no claim to his property. He denies this though.

I think alot of the problems are down to his Mother, the younger son is very obviously her favourite and even though he's 36 he often goes to her home, sheds tears and moans about how hard his life is. She then goes on at my OH about how her younger son is suffering, so he always felt obliged to help. Also, bearing in mind whilst he lived with his Mum, he never had any major outgoings of his own so bailing them all out all the time wasn't an issue.

The number of times I've spoken to him about this and he claims he's doing nothing for them. A couple of months ago I found an electricity bill, belonging to his Brother's Girlfriend, which was from a debt collection agency. They were to be cut off if it wasn't paid, he said he paid it in lui of his useless brother's wages.

He seems to spend his life in denial and his head in the sand. He won't even admit he bought the brother a brand new van, claiming it's a company pool car. The only person who drives it is his brother, so obviously he bought it for him.

I agree, if I had a joint account with him, I wouldn't put a penny in, he'd probably give his brother a Debitcard for it.

It´s weird-as if they have some sort of hold over him!

Families help out-but this is extreme,isn´t it?

Dothey appreciate the help/attempt to pay back-or are they just taking advantage & laughing at him?

Bizarre in the extreme.

In fact I am highly suspicious about this whole scenario, "£400 per week for 8 weeks" ?! I mean...?!

No good - my dh is like this with his family not to that extreme financially but with everything else - ie for my bd - he got me a phone - ds promptly broke it - so dh got another through hris insurance and gives it to his sister. She's 37.

When here I've come home to find sil going ethrough my wardrobe and later I take something out of the wardrobe and he takes it off me to give to sil!!!!! OMG - even when mil is here - I have her towels - then she has a word with dh and suddenly she's using my bathrobe!!!!

Last year he did loads for mil and sil yet the last time he took ds to the park was in 2008! I'm not joking.

So what I'm saying is that you oh is supporting other people and not you and your child and through this he's paying more attention to them to.

Sort it and sort it now - my marriage is over because of this. If youlet it go on you are bankrolling them too and your resentment will just build.

I know how you feel Giveitago, it does make you incredibly bitter and resentful. Why don't they understand once they meet someone, settle down and have kids the apron strings of their family need to be cut or loosened at the very least and priorities need to change.

Going through your wardrobe is just too much, unbelievable. Did you say anything to her?

His brother has lost him thousands, due to his dishonesty when they were in business together. If his brother can nearly bankrupt him, he'll never change or harden towards them. They are a bunch of selfish freeloaders and as everyone has said, whilst he chooses to let them take the pee, they will continue to do so.

It does seem extreme, but that doesn't mean it isn't happening.

My Dad and two of his siblings constantly bailed out their other siblings who lived with Granny. My Dad used to send them money to pay for house insurance, amongst other things, but when the house burnt down, the insurance money had been pocketed so it was uninsured.

Guess who paid for the rebuilding costs??

I know it isn't in AIBU but YABU to think your son should come more first than his daughter.

I wasn't questioning the veracity of the OP, more the truth of what Monadami is being told IYSWIM

TBH when I first read your op, I thought it was going to be one of those joke threads where it's about a soap character. His family sound really horrible. I don't think I could put up with this. He really needs to start being firm with them and let them take responsibility for themselves.

i think it is the niece not the daughter but yes is confusing!

if you not married then his money is his...you say you earn money from properties etc for yourself and that your OH pays for everything for the baby ie your child together.

yes he "he should be more financially responsible" but he isnt and you cannot change him. you can decide how to deal with this though - if you stay together keep your own income separate?

maybe the van for brother was for work stuff? any reason why your income cannot buy you your own car?

i dont think it is necessarily all "right" what he does - but I do think that you unlikely to be able to change habits of a lifetime and you cant change the blood family ties either.

up to you to decide whether to put up or not....

what are your OH's good points?
why do you want to stay with him?

it doesnt sound a happy household if you "constantly nagging" and want to eradicate his family... however bad they are they are his (extended) family.... i think you are right in that "he'll never change or harden towards them"... so you ahve to decide what your decision is: to continue closely involved in this family or to lessen the ties and leave: but you will still be connected thru your child.

i'm going to stick my oar in here and probably get jumped upon.

but so far as i can tell... before you went on maternity leave... you lived in dp house, not contributing financially. but using the services and living rent free.

i understand he refused you paying anything.

however... doesn't explain why you haven't been on holiday or enjoyed other luxuries.... you have the rent from your property which you keep entirely to yourself.

your dp is not responsible for your keep either.

same as not responsible for his family.

this is different i suppose now you have ds and on maternity leave.

but... previous when you were working (i am assuming you were working).. and not contributing... it's a bit of a case of people in glass houses.

you didn't have a right to nag about it then .

ok.. you weren't getting him to pay for you elect bill etc... but he was essentially paying your rent as he was letting you stay in his house without any financial input (not sure if that makes sense. hope it does)

agree it's not on what his family are doing.

but if you want a holiday. fund it yourself and go with ds..... or treat your dp in return for him refusing to allow you to contribute towards your household??

i do hope when he was refusing to take any money from you... that you would go out and buy weekly shop from your income/ take dp for dinner.

As I said previously Special Juice. He would not let me contribute to his bills, he refused point blank. He's old fashioned in the sense he believes the man should be the provider. I pay for the Sky TV, TV Licence, Insurance and regular food shopping. All the furiture in his house belongs to me, as he came stright from Mummy's home. Only 2 weeks ago I bought a 42 inch Plasma, because he wanted one.

Lots of other things have happened with my OH and as for taking him on holiday, 2 years ago, for his 39th Birthday I took him for a very expensive weekend away in Amsterdam,stayed at a 5 star hotel. Suffice to say, it was my birthday last week and I got nothing from him.

The fact I live in his house and I'm an unpaid servant, he is incredibly untidy and I usually don't get to relax until after midnight. He no longer helps with the baby, everything is left for me to do, I feel exhausted and depressed, so why the hell would I want to spend what little money I have taking him to dinner.

I'm sorry, but as far as I am concerned, I have his child and look after his house so no reason why he shouldn't support me, it's supposed to be a partnership. My days are 14+ hours long, whilst he works 4 hours per day, why the hell should I contribute, take him on holiday, out to dinner or anything else.

"it was my birthday last week and i got nothing from him"

point 1 - what you give him(and how expensive it was).. is up to you. as we give people gifts to show them how much they love/value/like them. not just becuase we expect a similarly expensive gift on return on our birthday.

you bought a 42 inch plasma "because he wanted one" ... yes, i'm sure thats only reason you bought it. not that you perhaps wanted it too?

if you dont want to take him to dinner.

then get him to look after baby while you go out for dinner with friends.

then perhaps you wont be spitting quite so much venom at the thought that you are doing the majority of the childcare..and getting out and spending money on doing something for you.

i am afraid... as much as i understand your point of view. and see why you are getting annoyed.

you have known about the situation of your oh supporting his family for years so surely you didn't think it would all just suddenly stop the moment your ds arrived????????? you knew full well the situation before you got pg.

if you weren't happy you should have really sorted this before ds arrived.

but... only thing you can do now is sit down and work out the finances. if you feel the current situation of oh covering all household bills is leaving you short with his other commitments.. then perhaps you need to sit down and seriously consider other options. including oh doing some childcare and you working since he only works 4 hrs a day.

but i really cant feel any sympathy for you.

you sound very spoilt and selfish from your posts.

also... your not exactly on the breadline if you can afford 5 star hotels and sky tv

Unfortunately, I thought he was someone different. It's only when I was 7 months pregnant I found out what he was really like.

you've made your point Specialjuice, don't bother anymore, not looking for your sympathy or opinion, just posted because like everyone else on here it's just nice to write down your feelings sometimes, especially when you have no one else to turn to.

I feel like having another moan regarding this situation. Oh and not looking for your sympathy or anything Specialjuice.

It appears my OH has been unwittingly paying for his brother's £3K holiday. OH attempted to pay his mortgage the other day only to find there were insufficient funds. He checked his business bank account to find his brother had been withdrawing about £100 every other day and has been doing so for weeks. Well he was furious (even though I've been telling him this for months) he was screaming and swearing at his brother down the phone and after agreed he needed to be harder with his family. (I'll believe it when I see it)

I also made him contact his tenant who has been living in his flat rent free for 2 years and owes in excess of £20k. The tenant has agreed to repay as much as he can and has promised to pay £6K by the end of the week. I can't believe OH has actively been avoiding this guy, almost as if he's scared to confront him (incidentally, I now believe the Tenant is a man, as I heard him on the phone, unless it's a very gruff sounding woman)

I still don't think he will stand up to his brother and I think he still has the company creditcard and as he has no respect for his older brother, I expect he will glean enough cash to have spending money for his holiday too and to think some have suggested I should be a mug and spend my money when his brother is causing him financial difficulties because he's letting him.

Why are you with this man?? It sounds like you dont like him very much at all And you dont sound very happy at all