would your dp stick up for you?

[RaraAvis]

i'm annoyed at myself for not letting go of this one as it happened last week and it just keeps going round and round my head.
my dh went to see his dad last week and came back very quiet and not saying much. i knew his dad must have said something so i asked him about it, he wouldn't tell me. eventually i got it out of him, his dad had spent the past hour slagging me off. apparently i'm not friendly enough and i dont call him dad so he's not going to have anything to do with me or even visit our new house. i'm 31 weeks pg and he's said he won't come to the hospital or to see his new grandchild, if dh wants him to see him he'll have to come to him without me. and thats just what dh told me! so it's likely he used far more colourful language and there were far more personal attacks.
his dads always been a horrible spiteful man who enjoys hurting people so part of me (the normal not hormonal blubby part!) is thinking yippie i dont have to expose my baby to this horrible man! but the part that keeps getting to me is dh just sat there and let his dad say these things about his wife, mother of his unborn son and actually about his son as well. i know he's in an awful position and my own dad is capable of great vindictivness and spite so i know where he's coming from there too but i would have left. i wouldn't have sat there spineless while my dad slagged him off.
i know i'm probably being unfair, how much can you expect your dp to stick up for you? in the past his friends have upset me and he's said nothing. i gave up a good friend when she wouldnt stop making comments about him yet he can't even get up and leave a room let alone open his mouth when people lay into me?
he's not like this in any other area, if people upset him he's quick enough to lose his temper and shout. i've had to hurry after him so many times after he's shouted and stormed out the door. even had to go back into houses afterwards to collect things he's left because he refuses to.
if you think i'm being unfair dont judge me too harshly, my moods are all over the place since i got pg and i havn't name changed. i just feel really let down.

Honestly, I would expect DH to stick up for me.

In fact, I know he would because it has happened.

When we had been together for about 2 years and were engaged, we went on holiday with two of his friends. I thought we were all getting on fine, but one night I went to bed and DH and one friend stayed up talking.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep, and unknown to them I could hear their conversation through the window. Dh's friend starting saying how he thought I wasn't the one for DH, how I was immature and just not right for him at all.

I was just frozen with the shock of it, it was awful.

I was dreading DH saying something in agreement!

But he didn't. He said "you're totally wrong, she is wonderful, I love her and am totally happy with her". He also pointed out how I had happily taken care of their children while we were on hols, and had done everything to fit in with their holiday.

Anyway, I stormed out there (it was v dramatic) and confronted the friend and said how angry I was that he would say these things behind my back. DH totally agreed and said that we would leave the next day.

It was rather a defining moment in our relationship and made me realise that I could always rely on him, and we have felt like a team ever since then. (And I think I was the right one for him as we have now been together for another 11 years very happily!)

BUT, that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong in your relationship! Some (most?) men don't like confrontation at all.

I would maybe say something to him about it, but also appreciate that he probably feels awful at not sticking up for you. It's a hard thing, to stand up to your parents.

rara could be that he has issues with his father that don't allow him to speak up in these situations
or perhaps he's used to him talking tripe and can see no point in giving him what he wants in the form of an argument
my father sounds like you fil and we were bullied into silence and controlled his ranting by never commenting

until we never saw him again, poisonous old toad!!

leave it, eat chocolate and think of the baby
even though it is horrible for you and dh

My husband doesn't stick up for me when it's his father, but that's because his father is an obnoxious alcoholic bully, and his way of coping is to say 'mmm' a lot and hope he stops talking.

But if your partner is usually happy to be confrontational, and this is the exception, I think you're totally reasonable to be upset.

To be honest, I'd be more upset about this:
"if people upset him he's quick enough to lose his temper and shout. i've had to hurry after him so many times after he's shouted and stormed out the door. even had to go back into houses afterwards to collect things he's left because he refuses to."

I wouldn't be hurrying after him when he acts like that. Nor would I be collecting his stuff for him. That is completely immature, bullying behaviour on his part.

Out of interest, what sorts of remarks was your friend making about your partner that caused the rift?

As your Father in law despises you so much and apparently has no interest in seeing his Grandchild, then I personally would leave him to his bitterness and misery. I don't think children need to be exposed to such malicious influences. Your husband should have definitely defended you against his nasty abusive Father. Wish my OH's Mother would bog off, wouldn't miss her a bit.

I agree with Madam Deathstare.

In answer to your question. I know my DH wouldn't stick up for me . His parents have summoned him to 2 separate 'meetings' to discuss me.
The last time I begged him not to go, but he went anyway.
I wish he would stick up for me though...
Take care of yourself. Sounds like you are better off without him.

i agree it's excellent that my baby won't have to go through all this with him, i'd been worrying about his influence before this so really i should see it as a godsend. i've been concerned about my own father for the same reasons but he's been careful not to rock the boat for the time being, i should just be greatful his dads been so short sighted. i'd prefer it if dh stopped contact too, he only ever gets hurt but i havn't wanted to bring it up as i know if anything happened to his dad and i'd got in the way of a reconciliation he'd never forgive me.
i think madamedeathstar's probably right too, it's just hurtful to know that someone who can so easily explode when they feel its them being attacked in some way will do nothing when it's happening to someone they're supposed to care about.
tortoiseonthehalfshell, i was 16 when dh and i got together, my best friend of the time hated him. he has a long running alcohol and on off drug problem and she thought it'd bring me down. the phrase 'dead in a ditch' came up a lot which luckily hasnt happened in retrospect i think wow at 16 she saw all that coming but at the time i didn't. i thought i could 'fix' him i guess. she then started just slagging him off in general and i stopped seeing her which i regret now. but i do love dh and it's been nearly 6 years.

Right. I was wondering whether she had ever expressed concern about his temper, to be honest.

Is his alcohol abuse ongoing, then?

I would expect DH to stick up for me and he has done on a few occasions. Once he stood up to his DM and let rip about her treatment of me.
DH and DC's are my family--and l would expect or accept no less.

Yes he would/has done.

DH is 'the baby' of his family, his Mum thought I was a bad influence when we first met and started waving a carving knife at me.....it was me DH walked out the door with....leaving his Mum stewing in her own mis-conceptions!

he's 14 years older then me! though it doesn't feel like it!
she didn't know him so she only alluded to his temper, he has a bit of a reputation. his temper is much much improved since he cut down his drinking but it's an on going thing. he's going to get help soon as i really dont want our son growing up seeing it.
i'm surprised so many peoples partners have stuck up for them with family, i was half expecting everyone to say no, with family its best just not to get involved. especially with parents. thats why i havn't said too much to dh, i know he's in a position where he feels he can't do right. the only thing he has said is that his dad can't stand to see him happy, what an awful man.

I didn't ask my DH to stand up for me though...he did it of his own accord.

His Mum was shouting at me...rather than argue with her and upset all of his family (as they were all there in the living room) I just left...and DH followed.

I never asked him to follow me...he just did.

Even now I don't have boundary type discussions with his family...he deals with his lot and I deal with mine, when problems arise.

I don't pressure DH to do anything with regards to his family and he doesn't pressure me...we just do it.

DH cut the apron strings himself.

I think you are making the right decision not getting in the middle of your DH and his family...they are his family to sort out.

Yup, mine stood up for me-only time he´s ever shouted-and it was at his parents.

reality- he's a totally different man now. on these boards you probably hear a lot from people trapped and blinded by abusive relationships but i am not one of them.
i was young, i was niave, i was no doubt in my head playing the part of a doomed juliette when i ended the friendship feeling our love was under attack or something equally ridiculous. that was me acting on my own, he has never tried to influence any friendship i've held. he is still drinking but it is nothing compared to when i first met him and no that isnt good enough, especially with a child on the way but he's getting better all the time and i know he can do it. his temper has also vastly improved with his drinking, i'm not scared of him. the reason i mentioned it is to illustrate my feeling that he would do it for himself if he felt slighted but for me. maybe with all this info you can see why i've taken it so badly, we've come such a long long way together, we should look after each other and stick up for each other. like marshamallow talks about it should be something we don't even think about. yet here we are.

Yes, he has done. One of his sisters has already suggested that we should postpone the wedding - no reasons given - and he just flatly said no, he loved me and he knew we were doing the right thing. I was gobsmacked when he told me - I had no idea there was an issue with this sister at all.

But parents are tricky, especially abusive ones and, as several have said, if he finds it impossible to confront his bullying father, then it would be a difficult situation for him.

And WhyTF should YOU call HIS father "Dad"?

That's ridiculous.

I have a Dad and much as I like my FIL2B I wouldn't call him Dad - that's silly.

Yes, I would expect my DH to stick up for me, but I know other families can work differently, so I can't comment on your DHs approach really, as I don't know the dynamic in his family.

My gran (dad's mum) wasn't too keen on my mum (noone would have been good enough for her son!) Apparently at my Christening they had a house full of people and I was grizzling. Mum and dad were taking turns to see to me, but as mum was doing the food and everything it fell to dad to try to settle me. My gran had a rant about how SHE(mum) should be seeing to the baby and HE should be sitting down having a beer. My dad fetched her coat and drove her straight home, despite her protests, where he told her if she ever spoke about his wife like that again she wouldn't be welcome in his house! She kept her counsel after that..

that was pretty much my reaction to calling him dad, i lived with my step dad for years and still called him by his first name, i didn't even know this was required in his eyes! apparently that makes me an stuck up bitch!

Why would you call your FIL dad? He isn't your dad. Is he just barking or is this a strange regional variation?
I will never expect anyone other than my kids to call me mum.
Yes I would expect my husband to stick up for me, or if he didn't to then stop seeing people who criticise me (constantly, the odd negative comment if I've done something stupid is OK).

Ok I take that you will not be doing as was 'suggested' by the fil.
Keep out of his way. It's his loss.