Why does he hate me so much?

[Annieoz]

Horrible long story short - my DH had an affair with a client for over 13 months. Confessed to me last October (after I twice confronted him about it, but he told me some very plausible lies). He moved out for two weeks to give me space and time to think, I did and wanted him back cos I still loved him. He then told ME it was all over because he 'couldn't live with the guilt and shame of what he'd done'; also told me he still loved the OW. Two days later he came home to say he realised what he was going to lose bla bla, could I have him back.

I did and we were together for 7 weeks. In all that time he would not talk about it unless I asked questions, which of course I did - I had to know all about his affair and why. He started to get very angry over the weeks and eventually packed his bags and moved out on 2nd January - telling me I was not 'moving on'. A week later I found an email from him to her declaring "his undying love, please don't finish with me, the last 7 weeks have been hell, she doesn't know what he's gone through back with me and he will never love another like her, he is prepared to walk away from everyone and everything he's ever loved to be with her". She had told him she would never leave her partner of 20 years for him, but the stupid man obviously thought he would be the one (he was her fourth affair!).

He has since treated me with such disdain, hatred and loathing that I am beginning to believe all the horrible things he's said about me - compared to her.

WHY??? After all he's done to me and my daughter, how on earth can he behave in such a callous, uncaring way? I have started divorce proceedings.

He has now lost another job because of the OW - who has completely finished with him (almost as soon as he told her he'd walked out on his family . . . ).

Someone has told me this is called 'guilt transference'. I know deep down I don't deserve any of it, but it's driving me to despair.

Has anyone else experienced this and how did you cope with it. I've just finished a 6 week counselling session and it's not really helped.

On Saturday I got so mad because of something one of his family members told my daughter that I lost it and ended up trashing a lot of my bedroom I'm so ashamed at this but I feel just SO angry and impotent, frustrated and pissed off by his attitude. I've never done anything to him other than stupidly love him.

Please can someone help me to get over this, or at least deal with it?

I am very unskilled to answer this but didn't like seeing it unanswered.

Yes he is transferring his guilt to you. Six weeks CBT (was that what it was?) is not really going to help, it only deals with surface symptoms, an you have a lot more to deal with.

He is blaming you for what he has done. You need to get very strong, get all your resources together and not engage with any bull he gives you. I know it is tough. I wish you all the luck in the world. Probably the CAB and a solicitor can do it on your behalf.

Very sorry to hear about your current situation and cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.

Not sure what to advise but bumping so that someone might give you a more helpful response.

i don't think i am the best person to offer advice, but i really believe you need to see his behaviour as the results of his actions and stupidity. in other words, his behaviour and attitude is not a reflection on you and who you are
i really hope he has gone now, because you deserve so much better x

My ex has come out with all sorts of crap since we split. I am both in therapy and training as a psychotherapist and the advice they give me again and again is to take back control over my own life and don't engage.
Get your legal advice and CAB advice and refuse to enter into any discussion with him. He is trying to justify his behaviour and your engagement is making you doubt yourself. Have you got RL support?

It is horrible and I don't think there is anything anyone can say or do to make it much better.

But I will say, it does get better, but when you are in the middle of it, it is easy to despair and think you will always feel this way. You won't, and you need to hang on to that.

But I won't lie and tell you it is a quick process, because I don't think it ever is. your anger and grief will probably be with you for at least a year, but the time it has you in its grip will gradually lessen. But be prepared to have good days, followed by bad days. Grief isn't a linear process.

Deal with the basics. Eat as well as you can. Sleep. Surround yourself with people who love you, if you can. Carry on with counselling if you can, because often talking about it helps.

Know that you are not alone; it is not because you are horrible and unloveable that this has been done to you, you have been unlucky but hopefully this emotionally bankrupt wanker is now part of your past and you can look forward to a much better future.

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through.
I don't have any answers for you. I think that maybe you are going to have to put it down to him being a bastard.
He is treating you badly. For no reason. You don't deserve it.

It sounds like you need to vent. Holding it all in is why you trashed your room.
Write a list of all the bad things he did to you.
You can post it here and we will all trash him.
Or you can keep it to yourself.
But you do need to recognise that there is no valid reason for this.
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will get past this, and you will be a smarter person for it.