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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

do i write this email to 'the other woman'?

46 replies

SevernTrentWater · 23/03/2010 15:45

I just broke up with my other half after finding out he's cheating, i was very polite about it and just told him he had been cruel but i forgave him and was moving on. Now, the other woman doesn't know he has a daughter and girlfriend, or at least, she thinks i'm a monster. Do i send her this email about how i don't have anything against her, i forgive him, he's probably a nice guy just hasn't been great to me, explain the saga of how he abandoned me when i was pregnant and how he tried to force me to have an illegal abortion etc (which basically is me screaming bastard i guess) and how he was cheating on both of us essentially, and tell her that i don't want my daughter being told nasty things about me because i'm not a monster and neither is her father, it just hasn't worked out.
Or not?
I feel i NEED to do this for closure, i can't bare the thought of him feeding people a total pack of lies about everything that happened and running gleefully off with this other woman.
Is there a better way of writing it?

OP posts:

Doodlez · 23/03/2010 15:47

Will she have access to / be spending time with your daughter?

If so, I think you're within your rights to ask to meet her for a coffee - get the measure of her face to face and let her accept you for who you really are, not the eegit you ex might be telling her you are.

LynetteScavo · 23/03/2010 15:47

No. You will sound like a loon, even though you aren't.

Karmann · 23/03/2010 15:49

There's a thread on here today called 'the last word'. Although the facts are different the feelings are the same and the general opinion is not to do it. By all means write it down, it will probably help you get it all out but not a good idea to send it. Have a look at the other thread and see if it helps.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 23/03/2010 15:50

She will believe him not you, no matter what you say. Sorry.

Original poster

SevernTrentWater · 23/03/2010 15:50

i definitly don't want to sound like a loon. And yes, she may be my daughters future step mother.

OP posts:

HappyWoman · 23/03/2010 15:54

dont write it - she will not believe you and; he will just say you are not like that ....

if she is to see your dd then i think you could ask to meet her - be polite but dont get drawn into anything.

Write down how you feel and then burn it.

prh47bridge · 23/03/2010 15:57

I agree you should stay away from this. Even if she may be a future step mother, don't get involved unless she asks to meet you. Despite what a lot of parents seem to think, they have no right to vet their ex's future partners just because they may come into contact with, or even become a step parent to, their children.

By all means write the email, but bin it. Don't send it. It is surprising how much closure you can get from writing it all down even if you don't send it.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/03/2010 16:01

STW - I think E mails are the worst sort of communication for an interaction like this - and would prefer the other poster's idea of a coffee and a chat if you could face it.

Go back to your motives for contacting her - and question some of the things you are saying. Have you really forgiven him for his cruelty? Do you really feel no ill will towards a woman who got involved in a relationship with your DP? If you do still feel bitter - to either of them - then I wouldn't contact her just yet.

If you really need closure (and I do understand that) you'll actually achieve more face to face and this also allows you to keep your dignity and appear to be the grown-up in a difficult situation.

MorrisZapp · 23/03/2010 16:36

Think about it all day long but don't do it.

mrsboogie · 23/03/2010 17:10

She won't believe a word of it - how can she if she is to be in a relationship with him?

don't blame you for wanting to do it but it won't achieve what you want.

Later, maybe, meet her and let her see that you are a nice reasonable person who was hurt by this twonk. She will be in your shoes one day...

TheSteelFairy2 · 23/03/2010 18:14

I would want to if only to sow the seeds of doubt in their relationship.

I agree she won't believe you though and he may well twist it into making you look even more of a lunatic than he has already made out.

Maggie00 · 23/03/2010 18:21

No, don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you're all cut up over him. She'll find out about you in good time. You can be the one who had a lucky escape. If you were polite and don't approach his new gf, then he'd have to be a right basturd to slag you off to her.

thesecondcoming · 23/03/2010 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillianGish · 23/03/2010 18:54

Write it down by all means to get it out of your system, but don't send it. She will think you are bonkers and he will use it as evidence that you are! I would try and retain the moral high ground by being calm and reasonable. She will find out about you and your dd in good time and may wonder why he didn't mention it before. Personally I don't think the leopard can ever change its spots so somewhere down the line she will find out for herself what he is like. I would console myself with this thought.

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 19:10

Don't do it.

By all means write it down, but then burn it, it will do you no good to send it to her.

BrassicaBabe · 23/03/2010 20:01

Don't do it. I was on the receiving end of one of those e-mails . I didn't believe a word and thought she was a loon.

10 years on it turned out she was spot on!

Hey-ho

FabIsGettingThere · 23/03/2010 20:04

Def don't send it. It is crazy.

Move on.

Doodlez · 23/03/2010 20:48

prh47bridge - maybe no legal right but I think it's perfectly acceptable to want to meet the woman who will be taking a caring role in your child's life.

Put it like this, if me and DH split, any future GF's would have to meet me before I let them near my DC's. Equally, I would expect DH to want to meet any blokes I might take up with. Frankly, if he didn't want to meet a man who was a part of his children's new life, I'd wonder about his own committment to the kids.

Flame me now.

prh47bridge · 23/03/2010 21:01

I understand completely where you are coming from Doodlez and I'm certainly not going to flame you. However, I've seen far too many people trying to block partner's access to children until they have a chance to vet his/her new GF/BF. It is a source of friction and it makes them look unreasonable.

When my first wife divorce me I never wanted to meet any of her boyfriends. I trusted her to be responsible about who she was introducing to our daughters.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 23/03/2010 22:18

Doodlez, I completely get why you would want that but ime it is not achievable.

kittya · 23/03/2010 22:21

I started the thread The Last Word about a friend of mine and, like here, everyone is saying dont do it. Its tempting but will get you no where.

HighStreetBabe · 23/03/2010 22:23

HOw about you write it, but don't send it?

Speckledeggy · 23/03/2010 22:54

No, don't do it.

I did something similar once (a long time ago) and the OW thought I was a loon. Sad thing is, I wasn't and she too got stung by ex-BF.

The whole episode actually made me feel even worse afterwards (if that was at all possible!).

Hold your head up high and move on content in the knowledge that she will find out what an arse he is in her own good time!

Original poster

SevernTrentWater · 24/03/2010 08:03

not even to let her know that dd and me exist??

i could write,
'i just left him after finding out about you, he's all yours, i've got nothing against you, just encourage him to keep in contact with dd'

or is that still too much.

OP posts:

Original poster

SevernTrentWater · 24/03/2010 08:05

thanks for all your advice guys you stopped me doing something silly!

OP posts:

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