When you're sure it's over but you feel so guilty about the children

[neuroticlady]

I've just been reading the 'defining moment' thread and lots rings true with me. But not many posters say whether they had children or not with their ex.

I have two under two. If it wasn't for them, we would have split by now, without a doubt. We're going to Relate, but I think I know in my heart I don't want to be with him any more. The trouble is, I can't justify leaving him because of the children.

He's faithful, loyal, good with the children. He can also be massively selfish, negative, childish, and in the past has made me feel pretty worthless. (Not any more, since I had my defining moment.)

I feel this overwhelming responsibility to do the right thing by our children (stay) but all my instincts are telling me I will never be happy (so go).

If anyone has come out the other side of this with very young kids, and not lived to regret it, it would be really helpful to hear from you. I don't mean I'll regret it from a personal point of view, but that I broke our family up and will have to take that responsibility on the chin when they're older, if I go.

And just on a practical level, am I insane to think I can cope solo with two under two?

I need to make a decision as living in limbo is horrible and stressful. Thanks.

Neuroticlady, I'm in the process of separating from my DW, after trying and failing to work out a way of staying together following her four year affair.

My children are 11 and 14, so the situation is slightly different. I've posted a similar thread to yours before, which may be helpful:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/877947-We-are-separating-but-I-feel-SO-guilty

Ultimately, although you certainly have a responsibility to do the "right" thing by the children, it's very hard to say what that might be. I have sought advice and thought through the consequences of "staying together for the children", and in the end it also has to be about your happiness too.

None of us can say for certain how things will pan out in the future. Have you told your partner exactly how you feel? Honesty, even in counselling can be hard, but it is essential if you are to resolve your problems.

And, you're bang about the limbo.

I think you are using the dc as an excuse not to do anything when they should be the reason to do something. If they grow up in this environment they will eventually realise that you aren't happy.

And with them being so young, they wont really remember you all living together. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I have no recollection of them being together so the situation was just normal to me.

The important thing is what would make you happy? A happy Mummy is very important to children

please dont stay for the children - they will not thank you for it in the future.
I lost all respect for my parents who i believe did this.
Now my mum is too ill for my dad to leave and my mum well she now needs my dad as her carer!

So my mum is being cared for by a man she does not love and my dad is caring for a woman he would rather not be with.

I can not understand why they did not split up many years ago it is a horrible thing to watch. 2 people living out their years with no love or respect.

neuroticlady - I am in a similar position to you. Not happy, know deep down I want to leave but feel bad about doing it. DD is 15 (his step dd) DS1 is 4 and DS2 is 4 months.
We started relate last night and I can already tell it's not going to help. I will carry on with it though so I can feel I have done everything possible.
I have to stay until the summer as DD is about to sit her gcse's and it doesn't seem right to create upheaval and jeopardise her exams for the sake of putting up with things for a few months.

I agree with the other posters in that staying for the kids is the wrong thing to do. All they'll know is that their Mum wasn't happy - not the life lesson in relationships you want them to learn.

I coped with a 2 week old newborn and a 2 year old. Ironically we had decided to have DC2 to try to "save" the marriage (never a good plan!).

I had a "feeling" ExH was cheating on me but never really had anything concrete (although looking back now the signs were so damn obvious its embarrassing!).

It was such a crap marriage that when he left to be with the OW I physically flooded with relief. DC2 was 2 weeks old and DC1 was 2 years old but I felt strong, in control, relieved and in no doubt whatsoever that I would cope.

Fast forward 9 years and here I am with 2 absolutely wonderful DC's. They have a very, very good relationship with their Dad - who is still with the OW! - and I was just saying to someone the other day that I really do not think the DC's would have grown up to be the well adjusted, sensible, mature, kind, caring, lovely children they are had ExH and I stayed together.

Our DC's are respectful to both me and their Dad (and our partners) and I truly believe they have benefitted more than been disrupted from being part of a "broken home".

Our only "hardship" is financial - but then that isnt really too much of a hardship tbh. Our DC's are fully aware of differences in lifestyles their Dad and I lead - He and his wife earn over £100k betweeen them and have no live in dependants - I earn £14k and obviously am main carer to our DC's. They know that if they go shopping with me its value brands and BOGOF's and with their Dad it is totally different! But they never, ever play one off against the other. (I have been living as though in recession for the last 9 years )

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and I am 24 weeks pregnant - we do not live together and if I am honest I don't think we will anytime soon - I value my independence (and also I am uncertain of the relationship but thats a whole new thread!).

It IS possible to have an amicable divorce, care for young DC's alone and raise them to not be deliquents.

Had my ExH and I stayed together for the sake of our DC's I truly believe we would be a very unhappy family - leaving whilst the DC's were very young was the best thing he could have done.

Sorry, I seem to have waffled on a bit

I posted on the 'defining moment' thread and should have said that I have a six year old son. I am separated now and it is, without a doubt, the best thing for my son.

Part of what makes it easier is that I have a good relationship with my ex and my son has a close relationship with his Dad.

If you can manage an amicable separation and a healthy co-parenting relationship after the fact, everyone will be much better off.