how to leave an emtionally abusive man when you just can't take any more stress?.

[Lilia87]

Hello again.

I had a thread on here last week about my OH

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/930847-DP-leaving-then-not-leaving-how-to-take-back- control

Well after a stressful week with events too frequent and insane to imagine, I'm throwing him out TODAY.

Here's the jist of it -

Fri night he text me at work asking for money for his friend to get a taxi to ours to keep him company (!) I text back saying that is beyond rude, you NEVER text me to ask how i'm getting on at work , just cs you want something and i hate it. He text back "Are you giving me money or not?" When I came in from work at 9pm and challenged im he said "I just want freedom, I yearn for freedom" I said you have all the freedom you want then and went into living room. I heard his freind telling him he was out of order to say that etc.

Next morning he woke up hungover and I asked him to leave. He went right up into my face angrily shouting "I HATE YOU!!!" whillst I was holding youngest DC and within earshot of my DD (4). Then more nasty things (I can't remember, was in shock). Told me he was saying at his mums and not to bother asking her to look after DC's as usual on a Saturday for my work as he would "tell" her not to! .

Next day his mum called to ask why I didn't get back to her about my overtime (she was going to be watching LO's). I told her what he had said. Apparently he wasn't there, had stormed out of her house telling her she wouldn't see her grandchild again and hadn't been back all night. Turned his phone off.She got taxis to friend's addresses that afternoon to try and find him. Finally found him and he told her he would "come back when I'm ready and I won't beg" WTF????

Anyway she threw him out that night and he came to mine in the rain last night so I let him in on the premise of only for a couple of days until he sorts out somewhere to stay ie-his friends.

I was feeling very ill this morning and was sick so asked him to get off the couch at 9am when I'd been up an hour and feed DS as the baby food smell was making me sick.

He said "Are you incapable or something??" . Told him his behaviour is disgusting beyond belief.
Then in the kitchen he said "I hope you're not pregnant again. You'd better go to the doctor to find out. We both don't want another screaming one like that do we? You'll need to get rid of it" .

I admit at this i was engraged and started screaming at him to get out right now.

He then shouted "You don't even want your own children! I'll take my son and you can see him at weekends if I decide"
"Look at your daughter - you don't even love her! You don't even love your own daughter!" He was smiling, it was very scary.
I'm not sure if she heard. He was in the kitchen and she was eating breakfast in the living room. I'll never forgive myself if she did. My poor DD.

This was the point I went for his eyes with my hands, I'm ashamed to admit but I was enraged and had kept relatively cool and quiet until then cause of the DC.

Then he all of a sudden started crying and begging, saying he doesn't want tolose us etc.

It's over for me. I know that now without a doubt. When he said that in front of DD I knew, even before I knew.

He had the cheek to say (all sorry for himself) "Do you not want me anymore?" "I'll leave you for a few days to give you space then like you want"(excuse me, I want you out of my life forever. I just feel nothing for him anymore but hate - like that 'the moment you knew it was over' thread).

I'm sorry for the length of this post, and please don't go for me, I'm still in shock. I go into shock when he says nasty things and freeze.

I need advice to stop myself getting conned into letting him back in (told you i wouln't put him on the lease AF! deep down i always knew it would come to this - it has taken over a year to gradually get to this). How do I remain strong? What do i say to him?

I don't have any money to change the locks until at least Thursday (payday), but there is a bolt on the door so he couldn't get in if I was. But he could if I go out.

I want him to leave without fuss and more arguing. I cannot take any more. I really can't. I have had numerous panic attacks the past few days because of him. Please help me and advise me what to say to him if he comes back to keep him away and make it clear it's over and not to come back, but without making him kick off.

I called them before a couple of months ago but got scared, couldn't stop crying and hung up .

I'm a bit of a skeptic about therapy, although there have been times in my life I probably needed it! now being one of those times... will ask GP.

makes mental note

lilia, you have to mean it this time

do not ever let him over your threshold again

ever

if you do...you will be very foolish

I would also keep a distance from his mother...he is still her boy after all

she also sounds too involved...he obviously manipulates her too

build a life for yourself and your dc without him in it

you can bet your last penny he will be an absolute cunt regarding access to your ds

but keep everything formal and do not engage in his mind games any longer

please stick to your guns...it isn't too late to salvage your pride and your self-respect

and btw, if any man spoke to me like that in earshot of my kids I would never speak to him again, ever

and I would send my brothers round to take his fucking nuts out by the roots

but you didn't see that

AF that is sound advice.
Lucky you to have brothers like that,wish I did ,I cd use them.
For emotional support obviously.

obviously, pm

btw, I have seen yur input on the narc thread and you have all my sympathies and good wishes x

Lilia, well done for seeing this loser for what he is
but i think you will be fighting a losing battle if you agree to contact without using solicitors. if you didn't have much success with the solicitors you used for your dd, then shop around for a better firm.
and get the locks changed! if you have local authority housing you could ask them for help doing that? if they won't you could ask of their contractors would do it and you could pay them back over a few weeks.
good luck with everything and keep us posted

Thanks everyone. I do mean it this time.

Thankfully he hasn't been back.

Phoned landlord to ask if ok to change locks re- tenancy agreement but they rang out. Will try again tomorrow. I don't mind getting them a set of keys too obviously to compensate. I don't want them thinking I'm a 'problem tenant' so I will try not to give too much away, but it needs sorted so I will tell them more detail if needs must.

His mum is going out tonight so he will stay there. I made it clear enough to him never to come back here and gave his mum the first instalment of his clothes.

I know he's her little boy , and i doubt he'll ever stop manipulating her, but I do believe she will be there for me re-kids, as she is a devoted granny too. However, I myself need to find someone away from him to rely on emotionally.

Thanks xxx I expected to feel lonely tonight, but I just feel peaceful! Going to watch 'One Born Every Every Minute' and have a bath..

oh, your update is very calm and reassuring

all the best to you

keep posting...don't disappear, I expect you will need more support in the coming days/weeks/months x

I know this thread is about a very serious issue and I completely applaud your decision and echo all the other advice (and deffo get the locks changed as soon as you can)but honestly, I did nearly wee myself laughing at your original post...

"I yearn for freedom" ?!!!

Who says that? (Rik Mayall in the young ones? Now that dates me.)

What a posturing prick.

Trust me, one day you will be able to laugh at him.

On the organising contact front, I'd write a letter (keep a copy) totally unemotional, outlining the situation in terms of the practicalities that need to be sorted now that the relationship is over (eg return of belongings, redirection of mail etc)and then saying that you feel it would be in the best interests of the DC's for arrangements for contact to be sorted out by letter only, and that you will consider any face-to-face/phone/email/text approach to be harassment. Then leave the ball in his court.

good advice tanga

Good luck with getting rid of this tosspot, Lilia. Once he's gone and things are more stable, maybe getting yourself some counselling or therapy is a good idea, to take a look at why you have felt you have to put up with crap like this. Were you taught at some point that any man is better than no man at all? Or that it's a woman's destiny to placate and serve and 'manage' an unpleasant man? Neither of these things are true. Being single is great - much, much better than having to tiptoe round some wanky man's ego and be abused. Yes there are nice men out there, but you don't need one and when you fully accept that don't need a man you will be better placed to asses whether a man is worth bothering with or not. Until then, you will go from knobber to knobber - unfortunately women who have been abused sometimes do minimize arseholery - 'my last P beat me, this one is a drunk who nicks money out of my pocket but at least he's not violent.... the one after that doesn;'t drink but he's constantly putting me down, the one after that is charming but has got rid of all my friends and doesn't like me going out of the house... the new one is lovely but he does nothing round the house and wants sex all the time...'

oh my word SGB you just described my string of failures; this was my 20's, one sh1t after another.
Lilia, SGB is spot on. i wish i had had the insight years ago to see this clearly

Thanks all.

I think I may definately need counselling. I had a very traumatic childhood, also lost my mum and the events leading up to it pulled my family apart so I don't really have a family. I suppose I 'yearn' (haha - that word again Tanga! if i don't laugh i will cry) for a family so that's why i have put up with so much shit from men. They have probably spotted this a mile off. And I tend to see the good in people and not the bad.

As if things couldn't get any worse, I have just found 2 small lumps on my jawline (had a benign tumour there when i was younger). think i will go to docs tomorrow. xx

go to gp and put your mind at rest, love x

Morning Lilia,

Just a quick post to say that I'm sure all will be well at the GP today.

You're being very strong! Just keep swimming.

WELL DONE!!

As one who has been there done that and got the t shirt so to say I fully appriciate how difficult it is. I now work in an enviroment where i am face to face everyday with women who have suffered Domestic Abuse for years going from one abusive partner to the next.
It will get easier with time but at times it will feel like an up hill struggle.

If you need to talk at any point or need help understanding anything (the why me thing) The freedom programm is a wonderful. although you may not be ready for years or it might not suit you.

I fully agree with everyone else, womens aid, write to your landlord YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRESED ABOUT.

Talk to your DD about it 4 year olds pick up more than you would think and it important you reasuure her during what might be a confusing and upsetting time for her.

If you need to know where you stand legaly with anything I have acess to a large array of legal books at work and can get almost any information you require.

Well done and stay strong

Lilia You do have a family - your little family unit of 3. This is all you need to concentrate on.

As per SGB's post, I too have been there, done that, got the t-shirt but have got to the point where I've thrown the t-shirt away. I am on my own, have 2 DC's (although my OH died - which is a bit of a bugger, because I'd finally met a decent one!)

You can be happy on your own - you don't need a man to validate your existence and to define who you are. You are you. Put the past behind you, but don't ignore what has happened. Onward and upward. Keep posting on here - we'll all be encouraging you.

Take deep breaths, you're doing brilliantly, you sound like a lovely mum to your DCs.

Thanks Exogenesis. We stayed up late last night (well 9pm for her, midnight for me) and she aked me why made mummy cry in the morning time? argh. I said had hurt mummys feelings and it wasn't very nice to do that to other people, but mummy will always be there for her and look after her etc. She said that's what her nursery 'lady' says to the boys and girls. Don't know if it was the right thing to say though....

Thanks for the offer of legal advice. I may well need it in the near future, but can't think of anything just now.

Thanks LemonyLemon - I know I have the DC's and last night it was great just the 3 of us cuddling. It's just I have no-one for me.

I'm sorry to hear about the death of your OH. xxx

Thank you so much for your encouragement.

He text me saying he will go to counsellors etc but doesn't want it 'on his record' and "you love me do you not?". Doesn't sound like a change of personality, just pissed off he didn't get his own way. Seems to be going right over my head, which is good. Think I must have reached my 'breaking point' the other day - being alone, however hard and painful for me- cannot possibly be worse than being someone elses emotional punchbag.
Didn't answer.
He asked through his mum if he could see the kids tonight. She is bringing them to hers after DD's nursery to see him for couple of hours.

Thanks WhoisAsking couldn't get an appointment for today (usually you can at my surgery) got one for tomorrow lunchtime. Hope it's just a swollen lymph node or cyst - just worries my because of the tumour i had on that same saide before (silently worries)

xxx

Don't let him take the easy way out and communicate through his Mum - make it clear that a sensible, agreed pattern of contact has to be negotiated by letter, and that the adhoc arrangement is VERY temporary. Set a time limit on it. And follow through - if you've written him the letter, do not respond to any other methods of communication. (Particularly wanky texts designed to confuse you. Your feelings are now none of his damn business.)

Hey Lilia.

God, it's just bloody typical isn't it? I bet if you'd have had a sniffle there would have been a plethora of appointments for you to choose from!

I doubt it's anything scary, I bet it's stress related. While you're there, don't forget to ask about some counselling