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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

the last word

13 replies

kittya · 23/03/2010 11:36

My best friend has been swept away by a guy who we all thought was actually very nice. He said and did all the right things, took her places and generally made her feel special after 5 years on her own with young children. One day, before Christmas he rang and told her that he loved her but he was going away for two weeks and that she might hear some not very nice things about him and that she had to ignore them. She was puzzled, left it a week and text him but the text came back. He had changed his phone number. This guy works away alot and through other mutual friends Ive found out hes slept with about six women in the past couple of months. Friend feels led on and as she cant text or phone she wants to write him a short letter. Trouble is she now knows theres a full family as well. Should she write it? I think not, personally.

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Karmann · 23/03/2010 11:42

It may be of benefit for your friend to write it down to help her get it all out - but not to send it.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/03/2010 11:43

If your friend is saying she was completely unaware he was married and had a family, I'd have some trouble believing that - but it depends how long their relationship was.

How did she meet him and how do your mutual friends know his sexual history over the past few months if no-one knew anything about him before?

kittya · 23/03/2010 11:45

I understand because it was such a mean trick. By all accounts, he does this on a regular basis. Yeah, keeping her away from the postbox might be hard! Ive told her as soon as she posts it she will regret it but I do understand why she feels she has so much to say to him.

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Karmann · 23/03/2010 11:48

Yes I understand why she feels she has so much to say but it will have no affect on the recipient - she will regret sending it and right now she doesn't need anything else to make her feel worse.

kittya · 23/03/2010 11:51

Ive told her it will go over his head because it wont be the first time. They can behave so cowardly, Id rather be dumped in a text then them change their phone number!! I hope I never bump into him!

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prh47bridge · 23/03/2010 13:53

WhenwillIfeelnormal - I actually don't have any trouble believing that. My wife's boyfriend immediately before me got married to someone else whilst still in a relationship with her. She found out by accident about a month or so after discovering she was expecting his child and just after he'd spent a weekend with her. She immediately drove about 350 miles to confront him. That may give you a clue as to how he was able to hide it!

There are still occasionally cases in the news where someone has maintained two families that aren't aware of each other.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/03/2010 14:10

i completely understand why your friend would want to get the last word
she needs to be able to put this horrible man behind her and move on
writing it all down is a great idea as she will doubtlessly be v angry and confused atm and seeing it all in written word form will help her clarity of thought
however this exercise is for her benefit and the letter mustn't be sent to him

kittya · 23/03/2010 14:23

WWIFN, it was easy for him to do it. He is 250 miles away. Mutual friends/colleagues. the nature of his work takes him away a lot and exposes him to lots of socialising, my friend was at one of these events. From what I can gather, every one knows about the way he treats women but no one has ever pulled him up on it. I know this is what my friend is upset about the most. She was married to a man who did exactly the same to her previously. I really, really feel for her and I understand the urge she has completely. I dont think it would matter to him one bit. Blooming annoying.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/03/2010 14:30

oh hell yes it would just flatter his ego even more
point your friend in the direction of baggagereclaim it's a site that deals with issues like this and should help her lots

kittya · 23/03/2010 14:42

I dont know that it would flatter his ego, Id be more worried that he would just get angry with her for imposing on his (warped) family life.

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kittya · 23/03/2010 18:41

but I will point in the direction of that site. Anyway, I have told her that if he has changed his phone number it wont be just because of her, no doubt there will be afew others he wanted to cut out. It is very cruel and very cowardly.

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groundhogs · 24/03/2010 21:17

Jeez, what a total tosser that bloke is. Your poor, poor friend. His poor, poor family.

Why are some people so god damned awful to each other?

kittya · 24/03/2010 22:11

well, who knows? Is it some kind of an addiction? men like that cant like women very much, can they?

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